Disconnect
by Mindylynne
Summary: Erin has been pulling away from Jay, and he doesn't understand why. Will they be able to find their way back to each other? This story is set a month or so after the death of Yates.
1. Chapter 1

Jay eyed Erin through the partially open blinds of the break room. He could see her refilling her coffee cup for the third time that morning. She had been replacing sleep with caffeine it seemed for the last week or two. The dark circles under her eyes were evidence of her lack of sleep. Even during the few nights they had spent together in the last week or so, he was aware of her slipping out of bed in the middle of the night to mindlessly watch TV, only returning to bed in the wee hours of the morning. He had repeatedly asked her if she was okay, getting cursory "I'm good" responses in return. A few times she had admitted she was "working on getting back to normal" or "getting by." Any pressure Jay put on her seemed to result in her backing off from him for a few days.

Jay sighed. He knew she was struggling. It had only been a month or two since the ordeal with Yates. While in some ways his death at Erin's hand could be seen as closure, it had also brought up a lot of emotions and memories that Erin had not really dealt with the first time. He had tried to be there for her, but she had her walls up and would only let him in so far. He could sense her pushing him away. If not physically, then emotionally.

He just wished they could get away from it all. Spend a few days alone just the two of them. A chance to reconnect, enjoy each other's company, and put the stress and pressure of their jobs aside for a few days. Eyeing the calendar on his desk, he tried to ignore the fact that Valentine's Day had come and gone over a month ago. Erin wasn't much for romantic displays and since it had followed only a few days after she had ended Yates' life, Jay had let the day come and go without any observance. He had wanted to though. He had wanted to show her that he cared and wanted to be by her side through even the tough times. Times like now. Instead he had just accepted her announcement that she was going to spend the evening with Burgess, trying to keep their friend's mind off of her recent break up. She had stopped by late in the night after leaving Kim's apartment, but it wasn't the romantic night Jay would have liked to plan. He hadn't envisioned anything too fancy, he knew Erin better than that. He had just thought a nice dinner, a few glasses of wine, some good non-work related conversation, and maybe him giving her the bracelet he had bought her. Instead the jewelry box lay tucked inside his sock drawer, and they drank a few beers before heading to bed. Not really the romantic night he wanted.

March, too, had come and gone with little fanfare. Work had been nonstop, and the cases had been difficult. With winter lingering, days had been long and dark with little to brighten things up. A few late night dinners here and there. A few nights out with the team, and that was about it. With the exception of periodic sex, Jay barely felt like they were even a couple. It wasn't exactly how he imagined their second chance at a relationship would be. He needed a change.

Pushing himself up from his desk, he made his way over to the break room, a quick glance around the squad room ensured that the rest of the team was engaged in work and not paying any attention to the two co-workers. While the team was aware they had an off duty relationship, everyone tried to ignore it the best they could. Erin glanced up as he entered the room and offered up a weak smile. He could see that the emotion didn't quite make it up to her eyes. She offered up the coffee pot, and Jay filled his own cup while Erin set out to doctor up her own drink.

"So…" he began, "I was thinking of taking off for a few days at the beginning of next month." Erin's eyes jumped up to meet his questioningly. "Maybe heading up to the cabin and doing some fishing?" He let his voice rise making it seem like a question. He looked at her expectantly, hoping she would understand he wanted her to join him.

Erin dropped her eyes back to her drink as she stirred the cream and sugar around in the mug. She murmured quietly, "Cool." If she had caught on to his silent invitation, she ignored it.

Leaning his back against the counter he took a quick sip of his hot coffee, almost burning his lips. He gave her a sideways glance. "I was hoping you'd come with me."

He could see her tense a bit, her jaw clenching before she gave him a brief grin, "Wisconsin, again?"

Jay crinkled his eyes at her. "Come on, big fire place, trees, nature. It'll be fun."

Erin made a face and let out a soft laugh. He saw a softening of her eyes for just a brief moment before she gave him a tight smile. "Voight will never give us both time off."

Jay shook his head. "He might. We can ask." He held on to that softness that had briefly crossed her face. He knew there was a part of Erin that wanted to say yes. Wanted to go. Even if they couldn't get Voight to okay it. Just her willing to say yes would mean she was feeling that desire to reconnect with him as well.

Erin shook her head. "No, I don't think it's the right time for me to take off. You know how spring is. All the crazies come out as soon as it warms up. It's a busy time of year for us."

Jay took another sip of his coffee while he tried to think of a way to convince her. "It doesn't have to be Wisconsin. We can go somewhere nicer for a few days." He gave her a hopeful look.

Erin shook her head again, "You should invite Will," she countered. "After all this lawsuit bullshit, he could probably use a break."

Jay nodded slightly and dropped his eyes to study his coffee, "Yeah, maybe." He tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice. He glanced out the window, not wanting to meet her eyes yet. Maybe a weekend away was pushing Erin a bit. She was always so skittish about their relationship. Deciding to try a different approach, he tried another offer. "How about I make a reservation at the Purple Pig for Saturday night? Get dressed up, good food, nice night out?"

Erin couldn't hide the apprehension that skimmed across her face at his request. Jay's heart sank a bit. It confirmed what he already knew. Erin wanted some space. Instead of moving their relationship forward, she was trying to distance herself from him.

Hearing voices outside the break room, Erin's eyes darted towards the squad room where Olinsky and Voight had just returned from interviewing a witness. Seeing it as an out, she gave Jay a quick glance. "Why don't we wait and see how this case shakes out? Might be a long weekend." Noting the hopefulness fading from Jay's face, Erin tried to reassure him with a pat on his arm as she walked out. It felt awkward, even to Erin.

Erin made her way back to her desk as Voight slapped a few photos up on the board and waited for the team to gather around. She noted the slump of Jay's shoulders as he walked back to his desk and dropped into his chair. Almost unwillingly she met his eyes. She could see the frustration on his face. She felt bad, she really did. It had been a difficult few weeks at work, months really. Over the last few months, tension between her Hank had begun to escalate. They seemed to disagree more and more about how to handle and approach cases. The Yates situation had disintegrated their already fragile relationship. Erin didn't like to be told no, and Voight liked having control. At times Erin thought it might be better if she worked in a different unit. At the same time though, she loved her job. It was the only thing that gave her any satisfaction.

While Voight continued to give a rundown of the current case, Erin risked another glance at Jay. His gaze was focused on Hank, and Erin was able to study him for a moment. She knew she was messing things up with him. It had seemed so natural in the fall to reconnect with him and resume their intimate relationship from the year before. There was always a lightness in Jay that she appreciated. Helped keep her out of the darkness that often threatened to envelop her. She found comfort with him, and she liked to think that it was reciprocated. That she was the person he could turn to when things got tough for him as well. They made a great team. Partners in and out of bed.

The last month though, she didn't really want comfort. She felt she needed to get through this on her own. If she kept depending on Jay to keep her from going under, what would happen to her when he wasn't around to lean on? At some point, they wouldn't be partners and might not even be involved anymore, and Erin didn't want to fall apart without Jay. She needed to know that she could handle it all on her own. She was independent and always had been. Depending on Jay too much wasn't healthy. Figuring out all this on her own would make her stronger in the future. If she could get her life together, maybe they could work things out. Maybe then she'd be ready to move forward with Jay.

She was startled from her daydream by Hank barking out assignments. She let out a relieved sigh to hear that Voight wanted her riding out to interview a family member with Antonio. She wasn't too keen on the idea of sitting in a car with Jay for a few hours. He'd be sure to bring up getting away for a few days, or a dinner date, or if she was doing okay… Those kind, hopeful eyes could see right through her flimsy excuses. She just wasn't in the mood for questions and concern. She had to work it out on her own.

She thought about spending a weekend away with Jay. It sounded… stressful. His attention was sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes she loved spending time with him. His sense of humor could have her laughing until tears leaked out of her eyes. Conversation was stimulating, despite spending most of their time together. He liked to talk about random Google facts, current events, and amusing anecdotes of his teen and early years. And of course their physical chemistry was off the charts. But sometimes when they were together, she'd start to feel overwhelmed with guilt. It was like she should not be allowed to have this kind of happiness when there were those in her past that didn't get that chance. Like Nadia.

Erin knew it was self-destructive. She had even made a point of talking with Dr. Charles about it. In his subtle and not so subtle way he had confirmed her self-sabotaging. Every time she told herself she was going to let it go and let Jay in, she tensed up. Even the suggestion of a weekend away. For the briefest moment, she had envisioned them curled up under a pile of warm blankets in front of a blazing fire. As quickly as the image had flashed in her mind, fear had consumed her. She wasn't even exactly sure what she was afraid of. Jay? Getting too serious? Happiness? She'd used Voight as an shield to get out of that situation.

She wasn't quite sure why she balked at dinner this weekend. They'd had dinner together dozens of times, both as a couple and not as a couple. She just didn't want that pressure. To dress up, smile at dinner, pretend like her thoughts were filled with violent images of Nadia and Yate's other victims. Lately she had been consumed with the victims of their cases. The women from the shelter, the teen girl assaulted in her sleep, the drug users. She seemed to see herself in each one, and she felt helpless to help them. A nice night out just felt…false. She just didn't think she could do it, and she didn't want to do that to Jay.

It did pain her to hurt Jay. He meant a lot her. Everything, if she was truthful. He was her future. She just had to make sure that she could get through all this on her own. That way they could have the future together she thought they both wanted. That she would be a woman worthy of someone like Jay. A woman who didn't freak out at romantic dinners and weekend getaways.

 **It's my first new story in ages! Hope you all like it. Since there has been a lack of Linstead on screen, I decided to work it into relationship drama for them. Hopefully I will get a chance to update often. Review please, and let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to all who reviewed and followed the first chapter. Hope you enjoy!**

Jay quietly slipped into Mouse's tech room. His friend was sprawled back in his chair, feet up on the table, sipping on a beer. His eyes were staring mindlessly at the wall of screens that showed different views of the citizens of Chicago. Moving along with their lives unaware or uncaring that their moments were being recorded. Jay allowed himself to get lost in the video feed for a few moments. Cars filled with people zoomed by. Some on their way home from work. A few probably headed out to night jobs. Couples headed out to romantic dinners. Families headed home for the night. There was something mesmerizing about watching the videos. Lights, movement, constant motion. He understood how Mouse could get lost in it. There was something lonely about it though, too. Watching other people live their lives instead of going out and living their own.

"You here to visit, or just to watch?" Mouse's quiet voice broke Jay's train of thought. Jay pulled himself up to sit on the counter next to the video screens. Mouse dropped his feet off the table and rolled over to the small fridge that he kept in the corner and grabbed a beer for Jay. He popped the top and passed it over. They clinked their bottles in a ritual as old as their friendship. Jay took a long pull of the beer. He wasn't quite sure what Voight thought about Mouse's after hours drinking and hanging out in the tech room. He was often here late into the night. Preferring the company of the screens and beer to the bustle of Molly's or some other bar. It wasn't that Mouse didn't like people. He did. It was just sometimes hard for him to think as clearly with so many voices and people around. Jay knew the quiet of this room was an escape for Mouse. He guessed if Voight had a problem with it, he would have put a stop to it long ago. It wasn't like Voight didn't know everything that was going on in his unit. Jay knew firsthand that he seemed to have eyes and ears everywhere.

While Mouse always enjoyed his friend's company, he didn't get it all that often on a Friday night when they were done with a case. Especially not since Jay had started getting more serious with Lindsay. Mouse looked up at where Jay sat, his head down, staring at the bottle in his hand. Clearly something was on his mind. "Problems?"

Jay shrugged a bit. "No…" He shook his head. "I don't know, maybe…"

Mouse nodded knowingly. Since he knew it wasn't work-related, he had to assume the issue was Erin-related. He looked back at the screens. "Problems with your girl?"

Jay let out a little snort. " _My_ girl? If you mean Erin, then yes. I don't really know if she's my girl though."

Mouse threw him a confused look, "I thought you two had worked all that out. You seem awfully 'together' most of the time." Mouse had watched the ups and downs of their relationship from the second he started in Intelligence. It was obvious from the moment he first saw them together that there was something going on. Even when they were 'just partners,' Mouse had known that the two were hiding some serious feelings. When Voight had put the halt on their relationship progressing, Mouse had been witness to Jay's frustration and disappointment. Just as he had seen Jay's worry and fear when Erin had gone down the rabbit hole after Nadia's death. Since they had reconnected last fall, he had caught them in many private moments. A comment here, a touch, a look. While they didn't exactly hide their relationship, they didn't flaunt it at work either. For Jay to be even questioning the relationship, something must have gone wrong. "What happened?"

Jay sighed, "I don't know. I think I messed up."

Mouse raised his eyes in curiosity. "I know you didn't mess around on her…"

"No," Jay quickly interjected. "Nothing like that." He shook his head. "I tried to get her to go on a weekend away with me."

Confusion spread across Mouse's face. "How is that messing up?"

"Exactly!" Jay confirmed. His mouth tightened in frustration. Asking your girlfriend away for the weekend shouldn't cause drama in a normal relationship. It was just that, Erin wasn't…normal. She was intense, cautious, and constantly overthinking things. He understood her baggage, her history. Or at least as much of it as she had shared with him. He knew there was still a lot untold. But as close and intimate as they were with each other, at other times she held him at an arms distance. Getting defensive over certain questions, avoiding particular topics, and straight out shutting him down when he asked her away for a weekend. It did make him question her commitment to their relationship. Was this a temporary thing, or was she in this for the long haul? They had never really discussed where their relationship was headed, but as time passed, Jay was thinking more and more that is was a discussion they might need to have. If she wasn't looking toward the future, it be better for Jay to walk away soon. Truth be told, he was already so in love with the girl. He couldn't imagine what it would feel like, another year down the road if Erin decided she wanted to move on.

Jay shrugged and gave Mouse a hopeless look, "I asked her to come to the cabin in Wisconsin with me for a few days, and she freaked and got all closed off. She's been pulling away for weeks. I thought some time away would help us get closer, but I think it just pushed her away more. She's lost in her head." A sad smile crossed his face, and he shrugged lightly, "I think I'm losing her, and I don't know what to do to stop it."

Mouse nodded a bit of a faraway look crossing his face, "She's got some demons to face."

Jay gave him a sideways look, "We all have demons. I'm trying to be there for her. I _have_ been there for her. She knows if she needs anything, I'd help. She just doesn't seem to want that from me right now ."

"Maybe she wants to get through this on her own. Maybe she doesn't want help."

"But, why?" Jay questioned. "Things were fine between us. I don't get why she just won't talk to me about what she's going through."

Mouse gave him a surprised look. "Really, Jay? Think about some of the things we've seen. The things we did. You want to talk about that with anyone? Have you shared your demons with Erin?" Jay narrowed his eyes in anger at his friend. Mouse knew that the answer to that was a 'no.' Jay didn't even want to talk about it with him, and it was experiences that they had gone through together. Jay had struggled to stay above water when they had first finished their last tours, but had quickly got his act together. They had lost touch for a bit, and when they had reconnected, Jay had already graduated from the academy had been working. They'd get together here and there, and while Mouse had struggled with finding normal, Jay had seemed to leave the past behind and had moved on with life. A job, friends, girlfriends. All things that Mouse struggled to maintain. But Mouse knew that Jay wasn't as fine with their past as he pretended to be. It was evident any time Mouse brought it up. Jay had buried his past, not dealt with it.

"Some of us can't lock things away as neatly as you." Mouse spoke quietly. Not wanting to see the anger in his friend's eyes, Mouse moved his gaze back to the comfort of the screens. "For some of us the ghosts, the memories, are with us every second of the day. We can't bury them or forget about them." He briefly allowed his eyes to meet Jay's. "Sometimes we want to talk about it but just can't. For whatever reason."

Jay leaned back, his head against the wall, and let out a steadying breath. He took another long sip of his beer. He'd come down to vent about Erin to his friend, but instead seemed to have alienated one of the other most important people in his life. He was seriously on a roll today.

He let out a soft sigh. "I just feel like she's letting me go. I don't want to lose her."

Mouse gave him a sad look, "It might not be your choice."

…...

Jay made his way to his car across the darkened parking lot. He'd hung out with Mouse for about an hour. After their tense discussion, they had both just sat with their thoughts for a bit. While Mouse might not agree with how Jay handles things, they were still friends. Even if they didn't talk about their history, it was still there. Nobody knew him better.

He pulled his keys from his pocket and was about to open his car door when he heard a quiet, "Hey."

Glancing up he saw Erin push herself off the wall near his car. He hadn't noticed her leaning against the dark brick wall. She looked cold, as if she had been waiting there a long time. Her hands were buried in her thick jacket pockets, and her lined hood covered her head. She slowly made her way to where he stood next to his car, his key dangling forgotten in his hand.

She kept walking until her body was flush with his. Her eyes were soft and large in her face as she looked up at him. He sucked in a breath as she leaned close, her hands reached sliding up his body to grab the open edges of his jacket. Using it as leverage, she pulled herself up onto her tip toes and brushed her lips across his cheek. Her lips were ice cold. How long had she been waiting for him?

Her husky voice slid across the night air, "Did you have a good visit with Mouse?"

Not really trusting his voice, he just gave a slight nod. She let her hands run up his chest to gently cup his cheeks. Her icy fingers gently tracing his jawline. Her eyes seemed to search his, as if she was looking for some sort of sign. He could see vulnerability all over her face. She lifted herself back up and pressed a kiss to his lips. This time lingering and applying just enough pressure to cause Jay to react and wrap his arms around her jacket encased body. He held her close as the kiss deepened, both trying to erase the memory of their earlier conversations. Finally, they both broke away slightly breathless.

She dropped one of her hands from where it lay fisted in his jacket and grabbed his arm. She tugged on it a bit, sliding her hand into his, and started walking towards her car parked a few spots down from his. "It's late. Let's go home." She looked back at him over her shoulder, "Come home with me."

Her soft voice like music to his ears, the taste of her still lingering on his lips, Jay's feet automatically followed behind her. His mind was racing. He was certain after their interaction in the breakroom earlier that Erin was working her way up to breaking it off with him, but now he didn't know what to think. She'd clearly hung out in the parking lot waiting for him. She wanted him to come home with her. That had to mean something.

Jay didn't really know where they stood, but he knew that this was Erin trying. Trying to be there, in the moment with him. He just hoped it would be enough, for both of them. A serious conversation was looming in their future, and Jay hoped he had the strength to say what he needed to say. He wanted more from Erin, and he hoped she was ready for it.

 **Hope you enjoyed this installment. I have a lot planned for this story. Review and let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

"She just looks so sad, as if I dumped her. She's the one who broke things off. If it's not what she wants, then why…" Jay nursed his beer at Molly's only half listening to Ruzek ramble on about his broken engagement. He really had no advice to give Ruzek about the shambles of his love life. It wasn't as if he was having much luck in that department himself. While he and Erin were still "involved," they weren't exactly the model of a happy couple. Half the time he didn't know whether she wanted to be with him, or if she'd rather he just leave her alone. Some nights she showed up at his place and just curled into him, allowing him to help her shoulder the weight of life bearing down on her. Other times, he could just tell by looking at her, that the last thing she wanted was his comfort or understanding. It seemed he needed a decoding book to decipher the mystery of Erin Lindsay.

Last week he had tried to approach her about a weekend away. She had dismissed that idea quickly. Lately, she hadn't even seemed interested in grabbing a quick dinner or a movie. Basically, they'd sleep together some nights and bump into each other at Molly's on other nights. It wasn't what he wanted. He knew she was working some things out, but as her…partner? Boyfriend? Significant other? He felt she should put more of an effort into maintaining their relationship. He shook his head at that word. Let's be honest, it wasn't a relationship at this point. It was definitely more like a friends with benefits thing. Yet, that's not how it even started. When they had first gotten back together, they had spent every waking hour together it seemed. After the holidays though, things had definitely cooled off. While he knew she was dealing with some issues, he knew he was reaching his breaking point.

Take today for instance. They had been neck high in a case for several days that involved barely legal girls helping to traffic drugs across state lines. Erin had connected with one of the girls, a nineteen year old girl named Liz. She was high and strung out, but Erin saw something in her. Something she wanted to save. Even Voight had tried to get Erin to back off, but Erin had tunnel vision. Sure enough, at the first opportunity, the girl had bailed with her loser boyfriend Marcus. Without Liz's testimony, there just hadn't been enough to hold him. Burgess had been able to catch him by connecting Marcus and the parent of one of the other girls. Liz was in the wind though. Erin had been both angry and frustrated. She had walked out on Jay in the locker room when he'd tried to talk to her. Last he had seen her she had been holed up in Voight's office. After almost an hour, Jay had decided to take off.

Over Ruzek's shoulder, he saw Erin enter Molly's. They had not made any plans for meeting up that night, and he saw her steps falter slightly when she saw him sitting there. He raised his beer at her and nodded, but he couldn't force a smile. Glancing around the establishment, she slowly made her way over.

"Hey, guys." She slid onto the stool next to Jay and gave Adam a quick smile.

Adam greeted her enthusiastically, "Erin!" He leaned forward and whispered, "I'm glad you are here. I need your help." Erin looked questioningly at Jay who just shrugged. "I need you to talk to Kim. Find out if there is anything I can do. It's ridiculous that we aren't together. I love her, and I know she loves me."

Erin sighed and glanced around the room more closely and noticed Kim Burgess in a corner booth in the back. She was with her partner, Roman, and a few other patrolman from the 51st. Erin knew the split had been difficult for both of her friends. There was still a lot of love between them, but Erin didn't understand the whole big push to get married in the first place. They barely knew each other. They'd been dating less than a year, and it had imploded. She stole a quick glance at Jay, just one more reason not to rush into anything.

Jay kept his gaze on his beer as Adam continued to lament his break up. Erin knew she had caused this chasm between them. Normally by now, his hand would have snaked under the table to grab her hand or give her leg a squeeze. His expressive eyes might have danced with laughter at Adam's ridiculousness or silently promised a hint of a romantic night to come. Instead, he sat stiffly, eyes downcast, as he listened to Adam wax lyrically about Kim's kindness, beauty, and their undying love. She had snapped at Jay early after their case had fallen apart, but she had just been upset. Not at him, just at the case.

Abruptly, Jay stood up pushing back his stool noisily, "I'm going to get another round. " He glanced at Erin but didn't quite meet her eyes, "Want a beer?" She nodded and Jay escaped quickly to the bar where Herman presided. Erin let her gaze follow him for a moment before Adam attempted to recapture her attention. He continued to press her to intervene with Kim. While she begged to remain impartial, Erin soon reluctantly rose and headed over to where Kim sat. She had no intention of reporting back to Ruzek, but she did want to check in on her friend. Burgess glanced up from where she was studying the table top and gave Erin a warm smile as she approached. Her drinking buddies had escaped a few steps away to engage in a friendly game of darts. Erin took the empty side of their booth and tried to give a reassuring smile to Kim.

Before Erin could speak, Kim blurted out, "I'm fine." At Erin's surprised look, Kim continued, "If Adam sent you over to check up on me, tell him I'm fine."

Erin nodded, "Good to know, but I was coming over more to check in on my friend." She tossed a quick look over to where Adam sat with hopeful eyes, trying desperately to not look like he was watching them, but failing miserably. "Not really planning on doing that dumbass any favors."

Kim let a soft chuckle out. "Sorry," She looked over Erin's shoulder to where she could see Adam sending her sideways looks from his table near the bar. "I can just see him staring over here, and I just want to try and be normal."

Erin raised her eyebrows at the 'normal' comment. She'd personally like to know what normal was supposed to feel like. She'd had hints of it with Jay. An idea of what a normal relationship might be like, but even that seemed to be unravelling. She shrugged the concern off for the moment, and focused her attention on Kim. "That was a good bust today. We would have lost that guy if you hadn't have noticed the time frame on those phone calls."

Kim blushed slightly, "Thanks, I've been trying to pay more attention to the details on cases."

Erin nodded. "That's the way to do it. More cases are solved from noticing details and computer work than anything else nowadays. You looking to make detective one day?" Erin had only worked a few cases with Kim, but felt the young woman was good police.

Kim shrugged. "I always thought that was the direction I wanted to go, but then after I got…"she faltered a bit and looked down at her beer. "After I got shot, I kind of thought the streets was where I was needed." She looked back at Erin, "But I loved days like today. Working with intelligence gives me the feeling like I am actually putting a stop to something. Making a bigger difference."

"Voight was pretty impressed with you today." Erin smiled when Kim's eyes lit up. "He made a comment that it was Intelligence's loss when you turned it down last year." Erin gave Burgess a sly grin, "Maybe you should tell him you've changed your mind?"

Kim shook her head. "I doubt that'd go over well. Voight doesn't seem the type to give second chances."

Erin's gave grew serious. "You'd be surprised." She thought of her own history with Hank. It was full of second chances. "You should talk to him." Kim nodded contemplatively.

Suddenly Jay appeared at her elbow. He deposited Erin's beer on the table in front of her. She murmured a quick thanks and looked up at him. His eyes didn't meet hers, instead they were fixated on the darts game behind Kim. He gave them both a quick nod and made his way over to where Roman and the other patrolmen were playing. She allowed her eyes to linger on him for a few moments.

When Erin refocused her gaze on Kim, her friend gave her a questioning look, "Trouble in paradise?"

Erin groaned internally. As much as she liked Kim, she didn't actually feel comfortable sharing her personal life with her. "We're good. Just a rough day." Kim seemed to accept that and started to rehash the case. Erin let her rattle on, allowing her mind to wander as she observed Jay mess around and rough house with the guys. He was cracking up at something one of the guys had just said, and she had to smile. His laugh was so infectious. She'd tried to remember the last time the two of them had laughed that hard together. It had probably been weeks, maybe longer. She knew it was her fault though. She missed it. She missed him. Even though they were in the same room, she missed him. Dr. Charles had thrown out the word 'depression' the other day. She had dismissed it, but maybe he was on to something. Maybe there really was something wrong with her. Maybe she'd actually make an appointment with the doc instead of chatting over drinks or coffee every so often. She didn't think she was depressed. Maybe just in a funk, but it was clearly hurting her and Jay's relationship. She felt like she was losing him.

...

The next morning, Erin arrived at work early. Jay had bailed on Molly's only about twenty minutes after she had arrived. They hadn't even really talked. He had claimed he was exhausted and had pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. She had gotten up to leave with him, but he had insisted that she stay, finish her drink, and have a little fun. She had contemplated following him anyways, but the tense look on his face had made her change her mind. She had left soon after. She had decided to try and catch him this morning before work to have a chat. Clear the air a bit. Make sure he knew that she _was_ trying. She was going to meet with Dr. Charles to try and work on her issues.

She was surprised to see his car in the parking lot even before her. A quick look around the empty squad room had led her to the locker room. He glanced up as she entered, he was stowing some of his gear into his locker.

"Morning," he let out a quiet greeting. Erin nodded and made her way past him toward her own locker.

Erin took a deep breath, "I was thinking, maybe, we should talk." Her voice was low, but seemed to echo in the empty room. "About us."

"Uh, huh." Jay quietly agreed. He shut his locker and leaned against it. His eyes watching her as she shoved her bag into her locker. With a definitive click, she shut the door and turned to him. Once he had her attention he replied, "I've been thinking the same thing."

Erin bit her lip slightly, she didn't really know where to start, "Things lately… they've been…" She trailed off, not really knowing how to express what she was thinking.

Jay nodded, "Yeah." He agreed, even without her saying anything.

Erin met his eyes, but couldn't quite interpret the look in his eyes. "What are you thinking?"

Jay sighed and looked away, "I'm thinking that the longer things go on this way, the more likely one of us going to get hurt."

"I don't want to hurt you."

Jay tilted his head slightly, sadness evident all over his face. "I know you don't mean to, but…"

Erin swallowed the lump in her throat. This was it. He was breaking things off with her. She had known he was thinking about it. The faraway looks, the long silences. The look of just disappointment in her that was constantly on his face. She just kept hurting him by pushing him away, and clearly he'd had enough.

Jay continued, "I mean, keeping things just like this in the future…" his voice trailed off, and he looked away.

Erin finished the thought for him, "…then its best things just end right now."

Jay quickly looked back at her. He wasn't expecting her to just end things between them so simply. He was hoping that they could work something out. He had hoped that Erin could see a future for them. While maybe she wasn't ready for weekend getaways, he thought that Erin still was in this relationship. Yes, she had been distant, but she still sought him out. She still gave him those soul searching looks that made him feel like nobody knew him better than Erin. Yes, they were moving at a little bit slower pace than Jay would have liked, but he still thought that they were headed in the same direction. Today's conversation was just supposed to clarify a few things. What their expectations for the future were. What he could do to get her to let him in a bit. He had wanted her to know he was hurt, not that he wanted to end things.

Erin it seemed had decided it would be best just to end it for good.

He let out a quick breath, panic starting to swell in his chest. He didn't want to lose her. Almost involuntarily he reached out and brushed his hand along her arm. Erin quickly took a step back, and his arm dropped limply to his side. She was already out of his reach. He saw her take a deep breath and her face became a mask. His eyes searched hers trying to see if there was doubt in hidden in her eyes. That maybe she really didn't want to end everything they had started to build between them. It might not be perfect, but they had a decent foundation. There was respect, caring, chemistry, and, at least on Jay's end, there was love. As he looked into her eyes though, he saw nothing. They were empty.

"Okay," Jay took a step back himself. He shoved his hands into his pockets to be sure that he wouldn't reach out and try and grab her. "I get it." He leaned his back against his locker, and allowed his gaze to lift to the ceiling. He didn't want to look at her anymore and see the future he wanted, had hoped for. "So where do we go from here?"

Erin was quiet, not really sure. She didn't want this. She wanted a future with Jay. That had been her goal. Her reason for getting her life together. To be with him, to be the woman that he could see a future with. Maybe even a forever with. Where _could_ they go from here? Could they go back to where they started? Before lingering looks, before sweet kisses, and long sweaty nights. Before Bunny, Nadia, and Yates. Before hurt feelings and rejection. Maybe someday… maybe someday they could get back to where they were. Maybe Jay would see her again as someone he might want to be with. Someone he could have a future with.

"Partners?" She gave him a tight smile, "I'll always have your back."

He couldn't help but remember the last time they'd had this conversation. It had been hard a year ago, but now it felt almost impossible. How could he still sit across from her every day in the squad room? How could he ride in the car with her and make small talk? He gave her a quick look, she had reopened her locker and was messing around in her bag, searching for something. He could. He could do it. Because having any part of Erin in his life was better than having no Erin. He would just have to figure out a way to not love her any more.

Jay nodded, "Partners."

 **While I know not everyone loves angst, it seems to be the only thing I am good at writing. I love breaking Linstead apart to see if they can figure out how to find their way back to each other. Both think the other wanted to end things, yet neither really want to be apart. It'll be a journey but I am sure they will find their way back some how. Please review and give me your honest opinion. I feel like its not my best work, but I am trying to grow as a writer.**


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a week since Jay had ended things, and Erin wished she could say that things were starting to get better, but the reality was… it sucked. She understood why he had broken things off. As good as they were together, when he had tried to get too close, she had started to back off. Truth was, he was the most serious relationship she had ever been in. Her early teen years had been filled with unsavory losers like Charlie and Landon. Once she had moved in with the Voight family, most guys had tended to shy away from her. Hank wasn't exactly the most welcoming father figure. Since she was also dealing with the adjustment of a new home and stable family life, she hadn't put dating as a top priority. After high school it was the police academy, patrol, then she was working in intelligence. Since she spent most of her time around cops, and she had vowed never to date a one, there just were not a lot of opportunities to get serious.

She'd had boyfriends, but they tended to run about a three month cycle. She'd meet someone and there'd be a connection. Maybe a month of casual dating. Usually at about month two there would be some sort of discussion about becoming exclusive. Things would be great. They'd be having a lot of fun, and then she'd hit a wall. Almost like clockwork at month three. Either the guy would start hinting at meeting the parents or invites to special events like weddings and holidays would be offered. Invitations that required planning ahead and time. Invitations to events that were two, three months out.

That kind of commitment, would just cause Erin to freeze up. She'd take a long look at the guy she was dating. Was this someone she could see herself with in the future? Could she handle meeting the parents? Could she see herself sitting through an awkward Thanksgiving dinner or a third cousin's wedding? Usually the answer was a clear 'no.' Erin never had regrets about ending things with any of her exes. She never looked back and thought about how she wished she had tried to make the relationship work. She never bemoaned the lack of weddings and holiday dinners with strangers. She never missed the lack of romantic vacations in her dating history.

Until now.

For the last week she had been filled with nothing but regret. At first she had thought that Jay was the exception to the three month rule. After all, they had known each other almost two years. She'd already been his plus one to a few extended family events before they were even dating. He'd accompanied her to an academy friend's wedding as well. Additionally, they'd spent more holidays together than apart. Both avoiding the drama or loneliness that usually accompanied those occasions. So when month three passed, and things kept sailing along smoothly, Erin started to cautiously dream about a future with Jay.

Then, just as soon as those daydreams started to manifest, the reality of life slammed into her. Yates resurfacing in her life had brought back some unresolved issues. Dealing with Yates caused her to rethink her vision of the future. She was reminded of the scum of the Earth that she dealt with every day. It wasn't a shiny future of love, family, and dreams. She had never known anyone that actually lived that dream. There was always going to be murder victims, drug abuse, and violence. She was always going to see her past in the people they dealt with every day. When she saw her past reflected in the eyes of the people they encountered, her ability to see the future became cloudy. The more difficult it became, the more she started to pull away from Jay because she knew that he saw the future clearly. He thought about romantic getaways and looked at sonograms with a smile. He bought ridiculously expensive bracelets that he thought she didn't know about, but had innocently stumbled across when looking for some thick socks to warm her frozen feet. He made casual comments about kids, homes, and retirement. Don't think she didn't know that when he took the second job at the marijuana dispensary, she was well aware he envisioned them living together in his future townhouse or condo. Jay had dreamed of a future with her easily. Or at least he had.

When she had started hesitating, she could see those dreams start to fade. The easy smile that usually lit up Jay's face had often been replaced with looks of disappointment or glances filled with sadness. It was like the dark cloud that always followed Erin around had started to cause a dark shadow on Jay's dreams as well.

But now that things had officially ended, she was faced with the shattered end of all those dreams. She guessed a part of her had hoped he still saw a chance for a future with her. Their conversation in the break room had made it clear though. He didn't see a future with her. She didn't fit into his dream of home and family. She had tried to keep it together in front of him all week. Fortunately, they had been pretty busy. It had been case on top of case this week. They'd barely had time to catch their breaths, let alone dwell on the demise of their relationship. In fact, today had been the first day they had spent more than a half hour in the squad room. She thought it must be some sort of emotional torture to have to sit across from someone you love, who dumped you, all day long.

She was still so in tuned to his movements. She could sense when he was frustrated at the paperwork he was filling out. She could feel his gaze when it would settle on her. The uncomfortable feeling would spread throughout her body when she knew he was watching her. She had lifted her eyes to meet his a few times. Only to be met with an inscrutable look from Jay. His eyes were just so serious when they looked at her. Not to mention so clear, bright, and blue. And his face, even without his trademark grin he was so handsome. He hadn't shaved all week, and his beard was filling out. She was such a sucker for his scruffy look. It made her think of long weekends in bed where they would only emerge for sustenance. He'd go several days without shaving, and she would laugh at his scraggly appearance. She felt the familiar sting of tears as she realized all that was over.

Erin gave herself a mental shake. She had to get her emotions under control. They were at work, and she needed to act professional.

Suddenly the door to Voight's office opened. Kim Burgess stepped out with Hank, a nervous smile on her face. Erin instantly noticed that she was in her regular clothes and not her typical uniform. She recalled their conversation last week, and hoped her suspicions were true.

"Listen up everyone. I'd like to inform you all that Officer Burgess will now be joining Intelligence as a permanent member of this team. Her hard work and dedication the last few months has made her an already valuable asset to this squad, and shown the good work she can do in this department." He gave a stern look around the squad room at everyone gathered. His gaze lingering slightly longer on Ruzek. "I expect that you all make her feel welcome."

The squad erupted in congratulations and welcomes as each member made their way over to hug or shake her hand. Even Ruzek managed an awkward side hug.

Erin got up and gave a quick hug to Kim. "Second chances?" She whispered into her ear. Kim nodded and gave her a small smile. Erin felt Jay move behind her, and she broke the embrace. She stepped aside to allow him to congratulate Burgess.

"Welcome to Intelligence," Jay said. "Just be aware that the coffee up here stinks just as much as the coffee down there." Kim joined Jay in laughter, and Erin watched him greedily. She'd spent the last week avoiding looking at him, and it was nice to be able to watch him without fear of being caught. Especially to hear him laugh. "Bring your own or prepare to add more cream than coffee to your cup."

Hank interjected, "Well maybe her partner will bring her coffee this week while she gets used to the way things work." They all looked over at Voight questioningly. "Jay, I'm partnering you and Burgess up for the time being." He gave a quick look to Erin, "You'll ride with Dawson for now."

Erin froze, her mouth dropping open in surprise. She watched as Hank turned back around and disappeared into his office. Everyone returned to work at their desks except for Erin, Jay and Kim. Jay met Erin's surprised eyes. He too, had a look of shock on his face. They locked eyes for a second, then he just gave a shrug and shook his head towards Voight's closed door. He walked back to his desk.

Kim glanced back and forth between the two and noted the silent conversation. She turned towards Erin and quietly spoke, "I had no idea he planned on partnering me up with Jay."

Erin forced a smile, "No, that's great Kim. It's wonderful." She saw Jay give her a sharp look. "Jay's a great partner. You'll learn a lot from him. Just don't let him drive. He's a horrible driver."

"What?" Jay objected. Kim laughed and made her way to the extra desk in the corner. Olinsky and Dawson had already set to work removing old files and boxes that had accumulated on the surface.

Erin watched them for a minute before allowing her eyes to drift back to Jay. He was studying her, a thoughtful look on his face. Erin pushed down the sadness that suddenly filled her. She felt tears start to sting the back of her eyes a bit. It was going to be a new chapter for the both of them. No longer partners, and no longer romantically involved. Maybe it'd be easier in the long run. A fresh start for both of them. But at this moment, Erin felt a stronger sense of loss than even when they had broken up. Everything had started when they were first partnered up. The camaraderie, the trust, the chemistry, the attraction. Now it truly was all over.

...

Jay paid the barista for the two coffees and made his way back to the car where Burgess sat. Balancing both drinks in one hand, he carefully opened the passenger door and slid into his seat. He passed one of the cups over to his new partner. "One decent cup of coffee, as instructed by our boss."

Kim laughed as she took the proffered cup, "Thanks, partner."

Jay's smile tightened at the word choice. Kim noticed. "I'm really sorry about that. I didn't ask to have Voight split you and Lindsay up. I can ask him to assign me to someone else."

Jay shook his head. "No, no, no. I am happy to have you as a partner. Lucky, in fact. I've seen you work. You are going to do great." He gave her a cocky grin, "And, you are lucky to get me, too. Cause I kick ass!"

Kim rolled her eyes, "Well, I do have it on good authority that you are an excellent partner." Knowing that she was referring to Erin, Jay just made a noncommittal noise.

Kim put the car in gear and started to make their way to the house of one of their victims. Voight wanted them to interview some of the neighbors and get a vibe for the relationship of the husband and wife. When they had made their way out to the car this morning, Burgess had instantly walked over to the driver side door. Jay had made a fuss at first, but just as with Erin, he easily gave it. Truthfully, he was so used to not driving, he didn't even care anymore.

"Is Erin upset that you two split up?"

Jay gave her a quick sideways look. "Did she say something to you?" he sharply questioned. While he knew that Erin and Kim were casual friends, he didn't think Erin had mentioned their split to anyone. Erin wasn't exactly the open book kind of friend. She usually kept things pretty close to the vest. Especially with colleagues.

Kim gave him a quick look, but kept her eyes on the road. "No, I just sensed some tension between you two yesterday. I just thought maybe she was upset you weren't partners anymore."

Jay looked out the window as the streets of Chicago whizzed by. "I think she's okay with it." Jay really didn't know what Erin really thought about it. At first he had thought that maybe she'd requested the change from Voight after they'd broken up. The surprise on her face when Voight had made the announcement made him think that she actually had nothing to do with it. She'd looked as shocked as he had been. All day yesterday she had been giving him long, sad, wide-eyed looks.

Jay had been really disappointed at first. It had been hard enough walking away from her in their personal life. Knowing they were only going to have a minimal professional relationship, filled him with frustration. He had hoped that after a few weeks, maybe a month or two, that they might be able to find their way back to each other. As the day had progressed though, he had realized that maybe it was for the best. In his heart, he knew there was no way that he was going to ever get over Erin while he was still working as her partner every day. This last week had been misery. She looked so sad, and he had felt so bad every time he looked at her. He had even begun to think that maybe she regretted ending things with him. A part of him hoped, that maybe she had changed her mind and was ready to step forward towards their future. That she wanted a future with him. He had contemplated pulling her aside to talk things out a bit more when Voight had made his big announcement.

Now that he'd been partnered with Burgess, he started to think it was maybe for the best if he and Erin weren't partners anymore. Most of the day he had been able to keep Erin off his mind. He'd been able to focus more on his work, than on his personal life. Erin had always made a point that they needed to keep it professional at work. Since all they had now was work, he needed to try and keep his emotions and issues away from the job.

Noting his long silence, Kim decided to press Jay a bit, "Did Erin say anything to you? I mean, she encouraged me to talk to Voight about getting a second chance in Intelligence, but I doubt she thought I'd replace her." Realizing how it sounded she corrected herself, "Not that I am replacing Lindsay, I just am replacing her with you. Well, not _with_ you, but with you as your partner. _Work_ partner. Not partner-partner. I just don't want this to be an issue with-"

"Kim!" Jay stopped her. Burgess looked up at him startled. Jay didn't mean to be rude, but he needed to stop her from rambling on any longer, "We broke up, okay?"

Kim darted her eyes back and forth between the road and Jay. "What? Because of me?"

Jay made a face, "No, like a week ago."

"Oh." Kim refocused her attention on her driving. "I'm sorry. I thought you two were good together."

Jay just shrugged and tuned his attention out the window. She could see sadness all over his face. Kim felt bad for her two friends. Being only a few months out from a broken engagement, she knew the heartache they must both be going through. It still hurt each time she saw Adam. She knew working with him was going to be an emotional challenge, but she couldn't imagine if she'd been partnered with him. Jay probably was relieved to not have to spend hours each day with his ex. Although, Kim thought, she didn't know what had caused the break up. She wanted to ask, but Jay's tense posture made her think that he wasn't interested in dishing about it. It was probably too soon. She suspected from the sad look on his face, that maybe it hadn't been his choice. She knew Erin was pretty tough. She gathered that she had led a difficult life. She had seemed to really care about Jay whenever she saw them together, but Kim knew that sometimes no matter how much you loved someone it didn't mean you could make it work.

 **So, it's kind of hard to write Linstead angst after they show them not acting so angsty last night! Clearly my story is going its own directions now. This chapter was trying to show that they both are regretting that they aren't together anymore. Plus, I just want Burgess in Intelligence. Hope you enjoy! Review if you are enjoying this. If I know people are enjoying it, I end up writing faster!**


	5. Chapter 5

"Seriously, Antonio?"

" _Seriously_ , Erin?" He mocked back. Erin rolled her eyes at his tone.

Erin sighed in frustration. She liked Antonio. She really did. In the past, she had never minded working cases with him here and there. He was pretty intense and took no bullshit, just like her. Maybe that was the problem. They were too much alike. There was no one to play good cop. They both had the bad cop attitude, and they both liked being in charge. With Jay, he had always been quick to diffuse a tense situation. He didn't mind when she was the aggressor in interviews. Or, when he felt like kicking some guy's ass, she felt comfortable holding back and letting him do his thing. Her and Antonio had yet to find their groove. In fact, they spent most of their time bickering like siblings trapped in a car on a two week long vacation.

Erin hoped that in time, they would find that place where their partnership would work and they would stop butting heads. She had noticed that Halstead and Burgess didn't seem to be having that problem. They'd been efficient in the weeks since becoming partners. Voight, who rarely doled out praise, had commented on how well they were working together. This had caused teasing from Atwater, Dawson, and Olinsky. Adam, like Erin, and chosen to avoid much interaction with the two. Erin knew it was just work, but every time Burgess and Jay walked down the stairs together, Erin felt the pang of jealousy. It should be her watching his back each day, not Kim.

Another thing that made it all the more difficult was that Jay seemed to be genuinely happy. The dark cloud that had drifted over him while they were together seemed to have lifted. He laughed, joked, and smiled every day. It made a part of her happy to see him that way, but mostly she just felt a sense of loss. Sometimes when their eyes met, he would give her an odd look, almost wistful. Mostly though, he just avoided her.

Continuing to bicker, Erin and Antonio made their way up the stairs to Intelligence at the end of their shifts. None of their leads had panned out today, and after checking in with Voight, they were going to call it a night. Noting that the squad room was empty except for Voight lingering in his office, they quickly gathered their stuff and were about to head out.

Ruzek suddenly appeared, storming out of the hallway from the locker room. He was clearly pissed off and threw a few files on his desk before childishly kicking his chair against the wall. Erin and Antonio both froze and watched the scene in surprise.

"Hey, bud, you okay?" Antonio cautiously questioned.

Ruzek glanced up, irritation and annoyance all over his face. "Do I look okay?" He bitterly shot out.

Antonio rounded the corner of his desk. "Come on, man. Let's go. You look like you can really use a beer, and I _know_ I do." He began steering Ruzek towards the stairs. Erin smiled slightly. Antonio really was a good guy. Always looking out for everyone. She heard his voice as they made their way down the stairs. "Let me tell you what I've had to deal with this week. Breaking in a new partner is hell!" Erin's mouth dropped open in surprise. _Jerk_! She thought to herself, her annoyance with Antonio returning.

She was just about to follow the guys down the stairs, when she realized she had left her gym bag in her locker. When the day had started, she had hoped that they might get out early today, so she could stop at the gym. Right now though, she, like Antonio and Ruzek, needed a drink more than a work out. She made her way back to the locker room to grab her bag. As she walked through the open door, she gasped and stopped dead in her tracks, unable to believe her eyes. Burgess stood tucked into Jay's chest, his arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. Instantly, Jay and Kim broke from their embrace. Kim ducked her head and moved behind the row of lockers. Jay gave Erin an unreadable look before slipping past her toward the exit.

Erin suddenly had a clear vision of what had enraged Ruzek a few minutes earlier. He, too, had probably stumbled upon this scene. Erin didn't even know what to think. She had known that Jay would probably move on soon. He was the type of guy that was never alone for long. Girls were always showing their interest in him in not so subtle ways. But she had never, NEVER, imagined that he would move on with Kim. Her friend, their friend. His new partner.

It made her rethink their entire connection. Was it even real? Or was Jay just the kind of guy who formed a romantic interest in any woman he spent time with. First with Erin, and then with Kim. Get rid of the old and move the new right in. Her blood boiled. Taking a steadying breath, she moved forward around the corner to where her locker was. Kim sat on the bench there, her face hidden in her hands. _Good,_ thought Erin, _You should be embarrassed to look at me._ Erin made her way to her locker and quickly opened it, pulling her gym bag out before slamming the metal door. The noise echoing in the empty room.

Kim looked up startled. Kim began. "Erin, I-"

Erin interrupted her, "You know what. You have only been in this unit a few weeks, but I thought even you were smarter than this."

Kim's eyes widened in confusion, "What do you-"

Erin jumped in again, "Voight gave you a second chance, and you are just going to throw it all away for a guy."

Kim shook her head, "He started it, Erin. I've tried to be professional." Erin's heart dropped at those words. Jay had initiated it? She didn't know what to think about that. Her heart tightened in her chest.

She shrugged in disgust, "It doesn't matter, Burgess. Think of your reputation. Have a little self-respect. First engaged to Ruzek, then a fling with Roman, now Jay? Your reputation around this district is starting to be an embarrassment to all female officers." Ignoring the shocked look on Kim's face, Erin stormed out of the locker room.

...

Erin barreled into Molly's with only one goal on her mind. Get drunk. She needed to drink enough until the vision of Jay with his arms wrapped around Burgess was permanently erased from her mind. As she waited for Otis to pour her a shot, she surveyed the crowd in Molly's. She saw Ruzek and Dawson deep in conversation at a table. Will and a few of his friends from Chicago Med were talking and laughing loudly at the other end of the bar. Involuntarily, her eyes searched the room for Jay. She didn't know what she would even say to him. Yell at him for moving on. Remind him that he broke _her_ heart. That he was supposed to love _her_. She quickly downed her shot and motioned to Otis for another.

Her senses, always hyperaware when it came to Jay, noticed him moving in the hallway at the back of Molly's that led to the restrooms. In a flash, she had made her way across the bar before he had barely made it two steps out of the hallway.

She poked him in the chest, "You are a dog!" She accused in a harsh tone.

Jay took a step back, surprised by Erin's sudden appearance. She went to poke him in the chest again, and Jay irritated, knocked her hand away, "What the hell?"

Erin looked at his handsome but annoyed face, and felt tears once again well up in her eyes. She hated him at that moment. She hated the power he had over her. She hated that he made her irrational and emotional. That he made her fall in love with him, just to have him leave her. She hated that she couldn't be the woman that he needed her to be.

Her voice broke with anguish, "It hasn't even been a month, Jay. How could you?"

Confusion took over his face, "What the hell are you talking about, Erin?"

She rolled her eyes, "Kim. I saw you two. She said that you were the one pursing her." She shook her head, "I just thought you might have respected what we had enough, that you wouldn't go off and flaunt something with someone else right in my face."

Jay threw his hands up in frustration, "First of all, I have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Nothing is going on with Kim and I. I don't know what she said to you, but we are just partners, that is all."

Erin let out a snort at that, "Yeah, like we were 'just partners' for so long."

Jay ignored her and continued, "Second, you broke up with me. You don't get to have an opinion about who I do or don't date, Erin."

Erin's mouth dropped open in shock, "I broke up with you? You broke up with me."

Jay made a face, his voice dripping with disgust, "Whatever, Erin. Rewrite history if that's what makes you feel better, just stay out of my love life."

Suddenly they were both interrupted by a soft female voice, "Ummm, Jay." Both spun around to face whomever had interrupted them. Erin had no idea who the woman was standing there looking at Jay expectantly. She was tiny, almost waif-like, with delicate features that reminded Erin of a doll. She had long blond hair that fell in soft curls around her shoulders. Erin hated her immediately.

The woman's face looked uncertainly between the two, "Umm, Will just wanted to know if you wanted another round." Her light blue eyes fixed on Jay with a hopeful look. She smiled shyly at him.

Jay gave a tense nod, "Yeah, sure." The woman bit her lip, her eyes darting back and forth between the two, "I'll be there in a sec. I just have to finish... this." Reassured the girl turned and walked back to where Will and his friends were waiting. Erin glared at her as she walk away and wanted to knock the chick down. Erin saw a smirk on Jay's brother's face and decided that she hated all people with the name Halstead.

Erin turned back to face Jay, "Who's _that_?" She heard the jealous and accusing tone in her voice. Her emotions betraying her yet again.

Jay gave her a derisive look, " _That's_ who I am sleeping with, Erin, not Kim." Without another word, he walked around her and made his way back to the bar leaving Erin staring after him, even more broken and devastated than she had been.

...

Jay sat silently fuming as listened to the laughter and conversation that hummed around him. The nerve of Erin barging in here and accusing him of hooking up with Kim. What the hell did she mean when she said that Kim had told her he started it? He had walked in on Adam chewing out Kim in the locker room. Yelling at her that she should have never taken a job in Intelligence. That it wasn't fair to him that he had to see her every day. Ruzek had stormed out of the room, and Jay had comforted a crying Kim with a hug. Yeah, he knew that Erin had walked in and saw it, but he imagined she had either heard Adam's tirade, or at least seen the devastation on Kim's face. Did Erin really think that he would just turn around so soon after their break up and start hooking up with Burgess? Did she really think so little of him?

And what the hell was that comment about him breaking up with her? She had been the one who had ended things. She didn't see a future with them, and thought that thought they should end things now. Shaking his head, Jay drained his beer in one long gulp.

"Wow, it must have been a really rough day." Lily commented looking at him with her big doll-like eyes.

Jay just nodded and didn't respond, motioning Otis for another beer. He didn't know why he told Erin he was sleeping with Lily. Truth was, he had just met her a half hour ago. Will had been hassling him for the last few weeks since he had found out that Jay and Erin had broken up. She was a pharmaceutical rep at the hospital, and apparently best friends with some girl that Will was sometimes seeing. Will had been wanting to set them up for a few weeks, but Jay had told him he wasn't interested. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Erin was no longer a part of his life. When Will had texted him to meet up with him at Molly's after shift, he had hoped that maybe he could pick his brother's brain about what to do with Erin. Instead his brother had ambushed him with a double date.

"Who was that girl?" Lily questioned him lightly. He could see that she was trying to not make a big deal about interrupting the argument between him and Erin. He was pretty sure by the amused look on Will's face that his brother had sent her over to ask if he wanted another drink.

Not really in the mood to play any games, Jay answered. "My ex."

Lily's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh, your ex-girlfriend." She glanced back towards the hallway where she had last seen Erin.

Jay laughed bitterly, "Ex-girlfriend, ex-partner, ex-friend."

Lily gave him an understanding look, "Messy break-up? I just went through one of those myself. Is she, like, stalking you?"

Jay eyed her with annoyance. She was probably a nice girl, but he really had no desire to talk to her. Let alone talk to her about Erin. As irritated as he was at Erin, he didn't want to hear someone else talk shit about her.

"No, she's not _stalking_ me. We work together. We are friends."

Lily looked at him with confusion, "But didn't she,like, follow you here? I thought you said you were 'ex-friends.'"

"Erin has every right to be here. These are her friends and colleagues, too."

Jay threw his brother an annoyed look over Lily's shoulder. He really had no desire to be here tonight. Actually he absolutely wanted to be here, in a bar, drinking a beer, and getting drunk. He just had no desire to make small talk with some flighty judgmental chick, just so Will could make time with her friend. Let alone having to defend Erin when what he really wanted to do was throttle her. Barely giving Lily a glance he stood up and threw down some cash on the bar. Ignoring Will's questioning look, He headed out into the night with one destination in mind. He wanted to talk to Erin. He needed her to explain what she said earlier. Why did she think he was hooking up with Kim, and why on Earth did she claim that Jay had broken up with her? He was determined to get to the bottom of this all.


	6. Chapter 6

Jay paced the hallway outside Erin's apartment. It was after midnight and he'd been lingering outside her door for almost an hour. He had made the assumption that after she'd left Molly's she came home, but that had not been the case, or at least he assumed she hadn't. For the first twenty minutes he had banged on the door thinking she was hiding out inside. He had stopped after her neighbors had opened their door and given him a dirty look. He had irritably flashed his badge, and they had quickly returned to their apartment. Jay drew the conclusion that Erin wasn't home at that point.

Sliding his back down the wall, he propped his elbows up on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. Spending the last hour with nothing but his thoughts had been eye opening. His emotions had ranged from anger, sadness, guilt, frustration, confusion, and concern.

He was still so confused about what had gone down at Molly's with Erin. He'd been sitting there sad and depressed faking polite conversation with Will's friend. Although things for him at work had been slightly better the last two weeks working with Burgess, as soon as he was ever alone with his thoughts, he'd get lost in his memories of the past. He knew of the old saying, 'out of sight, out of mind,' but he thought that saying was bullshit. Not having Erin in his personal or professional life was beyond painful. Her living in the outskirts of his life was much harder than he ever imagined. Yes, he saw her every day, but they didn't talk, they didn't laugh, they didn't share their lives together.

He'd actually enjoyed working with Burgess the last couple weeks. She was upbeat and fun. She was really eager to learn and jumped into cases enthusiastically. They worked hard, laughed a lot, and had no drama. Or at least had no drama until today. Jay couldn't wait to get to the bottom of whatever Kim had told Erin. He didn't understand why Kim had told Erin they were sleeping together, dating, or he was hitting on her, who knows? He was sure she must have had a good reason. Kim didn't seem like the kind of girl to start drama for no reason. Something more must have gone on.

He had no idea why he had blurted out that he was sleeping with that girl, Lily. Erin had been looking at him with such hatred and hurt. It had enraged him. Erin had been the one who hurt him. She pushed him away, she rejected him. Then suddenly she was in his face accusing him of hurting her and disrespecting her. He had just wanted to say something to shut her up. Give him a chance take it all in and make sense of everything she had been yelling at him.

Jay heard the commotion on the stairs before he saw Erin. He could hear the thump, thump, thump of boots, followed by the crash of keys falling to the ground. A curse was then followed by a loud THUD. Then laughter mixed with what could only be described as a sob. When Jay rounded the corner to the top of the stairs, he saw quite the sight. Erin lay horizontal across two stairs, her arm outstretched to where her keys had fallen a few feet away. Her eyes rolled to the top of her head and she looked at him upside down. "Jaaayyyy!" She called out in a sing song voice, a sloppy smile on her face. It was obvious she was drunk.

Jay scrambled down a few steps to her, and propped Erin up on the stairs. He squatted in front of Erin and surveyed her appearance. Her clothes were rumpled and her hair in disarray. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy. It was obvious she had been crying. "Jaaay, Jaaay, Jaay." She loudly chanted. She leaned forward and cupped his cheeks with both palms. "Are you real or am I dreaming again?" Her fingers roamed his face pushing and tapping his eyes, nose, and forehead. "You feel real." Her fingers tapped on his tightly drawn lips. "You're not smiling though. Dream Jay smiles at me. Dream Jay still loves me." A frown drifted across Erin's inebriated face, and she closed her eyes, "I want to see Dream Jay instead."

Jay sighed, not really wanting to think too much about Erin's ramblings. Right now, he just wanted to get her inside her apartment. He grabbed her keys from where they lay a few steps below them, and then bent and scooped Erin up into his arms. She instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck and lay her head on his shoulder. His heart sank at the comforting feeling it gave him, just to have her in his arms for a few moments. He'd just missed her touch that much.

He easily walked up the remaining steps and with just a bit of juggling, managed to unlock her door. Nudging it shut behind him, he bypassed her couch and walked her directly over to her bedroom. He carefully rolled her into her bed, and then just stood over her, not really sure what to even do next.

Erin had her own idea of what to do. She wobbly pulled herself up to her knees and balanced on the edge of the bed. Jay stepped forward to keep her from falling off the edge. She reached out and grabbed his arms to steady herself. Once she had her balance, she still didn't let go. Jay looked down at her upturned face. She was smiling up at him, eyes shining. He couldn't help but smile back at her.

She sighed happily, "It is you! You are here. Niiice Jaaay!" She ran her hands up his chest and reached toward his neck. She wrapped her hand around his neck and before he knew what was happening, she had pulled his head down and crashed her lips into his. Jay was so not expecting the action, and didn't instantly react. Her lips were soft and searching, while her one hand remained firm on his neck, her other hand grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him closer. Almost losing his balance, Jay fell forward, placing both arms out to catch himself on the bed. The movement broke apart their connection and Erin fell backwards, trapped between his arms looking up at him. Her eyes were filled with longing and desire, she arched off the bed to try and recapture his mouth.

He ducked his head to avoid the contact, "No, Erin. Stop."

Confusion filled her eyes, "You are not my Jay," she sadly spoke. "I want my Jay." Her eyes fluttered shut.

His heart twisted and he pushed himself back off the bed to stand over her. She was drunk, and he knew that. People said stupid things when they were drunk. Things they didn't mean. He couldn't take advantage of her, no matter how much he longed for and missed their connection.

She lay still on the bed for a moment, eyes closed, breathing deeply. Suddenly Erin gasped, eyes flew open, and she looked around the room frantically. Faster than he thought she could move, she flew off the bed and sprinted towards the bathroom attached to the bedroom. The sound of retching soon filled the apartment.

"Crap." Jay muttered. He gave her a brief minute before following into the small bathroom. He was happy to see she had made it to the toilet in time. She now lay huddled, tucked into a ball, on the tile floor, her head resting on the cool porcelain edge of her bathtub. Sweat dotted her forehead, and her skin was pale. Her breath was labored as she recovered. He grabbed a washcloth from the shelf and ran it under the faucet until it was wet. He twisted it to get the excess water out, then sat on the edge of the tub next to her. He gently ran the wash cloth across her forehead, cleaning and cooling her skin.

"Thanks," she muttered quietly.

After a few minutes her breathing seemed to have returned to normal. "Let's get you back to bed."

"Nooo," she softly whined, not even bothering to open her eyes.

Jay spoke firmly, "I am not going to let you sleep on the floor of your bathroom." He carefully pulled her up to her feet, making sure she was steady and not about to vomit again before propelling her back into the bedroom. He moved her to sit on the edge of the bed.

Methodically he began the process of undressing her. He pulled off her jacket and her sweater, leaving her in just her tank top. He tried to ignore his body's reaction to seeing her bare skin. Then he dropped to his knees in front of her to unlace her boots and yank them off. He left her alone to allow her to try and stand to shimmy out of her jeans while he went to her dresser drawer to get her some pajamas. With a little maneuvering, he had her changed into some more comfortable sleepwear. She stood next to the bed teetering a bit. He gripped her shoulders gently to try and steady her. She felt so small to him, so fragile. Erin looked up into his face, her eyes still glassy, but this time with tears. "I'm sorry," she softly whispered.

"What are you sorry for?" he quietly whispered back. He really didn't know what she was apologizing for. Was she sorry for being drunk? Sorry for attacking him at Molly's? Or was she sorry that their relationship had ended.

Her eyes filled with pain and anguish. He thought for a second she was going to start crying, "I'm sorry for hurting you."

Jay gave her a serious look. He hated seeing her like this. She seemed so broken and sad. He couldn't help but think that he was responsible for her current state. Whatever she thought was going on with Kim or with Lily, seemed to be enough to push her over the edge. It scared him a bit to see her like this. Remembering last summer when grief had pushed her so far past her limits, that she had almost lost her friends and career.

Jay still had so many unanswered questions, but he knew there was no chance that he was going to get any answers tonight. Gently, he pushed her toward the bed. Pulling down the comforter, he helped get her settled with her pillow. Erin allowed him to maneuver her giving no resistance. Soon she lay with her head on her pillow and a blanket tucked in around her. While he smoothed the blanket gently over her body, she just watched him with serious eyes. He disappeared and returned a few minutes later with a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin. Jay sat on the edge of the bed. He shook a few pills into his hand, and then he held the water out to her. She pulled herself up to swallow the pills before sinking back into her pillows. He set the glass and pill bottle on the nightstand, knowing that Erin would need them again in the morning.

Softly he heard her whisper, "Why are you here?"

Jay met her eyes. "You know why."

Still sitting on the edge of the bed, he studied Erin earnestly. He cared about her. That had never changed, but sitting here watching her self-destruct, was painful. He wanted the Erin he first fell in love with. The Erin who teased him mercilessly, cocked her eyebrow in that all knowing way that she had, broke his balls nonstop about anything and everything. He was afraid their break up had sent her spiraling once again. He hated that he had been too caught up in making sure that he was able to get over their relationship unscathed, that he didn't pay enough attention to how she was dealing with it. The only thing was, he didn't know what to do to try and help her.

While he watched Erin, her eyelids flickered a few times before he could sense her slipping away into sleep. He pulled the blanket a little tighter against her chin. He brushed a few stray hairs away from her face and tucked them behind her ear. Even in sleep she turned toward the warmth of his touch, a content smile skimming across her lips. She was so beautiful.

Jay left the nightstand light on, just in case she had to make another run to the bathroom. Not really wanting to leave her alone, but not trusting himself to sleep next to her in the bed, he made his way back into the living room. He pulled off his jacket and toed off his boots. Then he stretched his long body onto the couch and pulled the throw blanket over his body. At least here he would be able to hear Erin if she needed him.

Despite the late hour, Jay didn't sleep. He had come here for answers to the bizarre accusations Erin had made earlier. While he hadn't gotten answers to those questions, he did learn one disconcerting thing. He was still in love with Erin, and he had no idea what he was going to do about it.

 **Thanks for reading! It's been great to see so many people enjoying this story. I know updates have been fast lately, but I am having a lot of fun writing this story. I wasn't sure how to write drunk Erin, so I did the best I could.**

 **I'm about a chapter or two ahead at this point. After that there will be longer time between updates. Real life and work are going to get in the way. Still, encouragement and reviews tend to help! Let me know what you think. I've got it planned to be about an 18 chapter story, so we are about one third of the way though!**


	7. Chapter 7

Erin sat in the vinyl booth of Jerry's diner, tearing the napkin that sat in front of her into tiny, little pieces. She glanced out the large window that bordered the booth and noted the cloudy day. They looked dark and ominous, rolling to quickly fill the sky. They suited her mood she decided.

Her memory of the night before after leaving Molly's was hazy at best. She remembered arriving home after drinking herself into oblivion at a bar a block from her apartment. She's not sure when Jay arrived, but she remembers him being there. She has flashes of him wiping a cool cloth across her forehead, slipping a t-shirt over her head, and tucking her blanket gently around her. She doesn't remember what they talked about, but she remembers asking him why he was there. His answer is the only thing she can remember him saying all night. "You know why."

Those words were the first that filled her mind when she woke up this morning. Her head was pounding, and she thought she might make a second trip to the porcelain gods, but then she recalled those words from the night before. She saw the water and pill bottle that she knew Jay must have left on her night stand. Wondering if he was still there, she had slowly made her way to the living room, only to see an empty couch. The rumpled blanket told her that he had spent at least part of the night there.

Quickly, Erin had searched for her phone, finding it in the pocket of her abandoned jacket on the floor of her bedroom. A quick scroll through her most recent text and phone calls showed that she was not the one who had invited Jay over last night. She had a terrible idea that maybe she had drunk dialed him and begged him for another chance. At least she knew that he had come over of his own volition. Recalling the girl he had been with the night before, she was surprised he had shown up at all. She searched her memory for what they might have talked about the night before, but once again the only thing she could remember was asking Jay why he was there, and him saying, "You know why."

Now she sat in a booth, nursing a cup of coffee waiting to apologize to someone who most likely should tell her to shove it. Who needs enemies, when you have friends like Erin?

Burgess silently slipped into the seat across from her. She eyed Erin silently and motioned for the waitress. After the waitress filled her cup and topped off Erin's mug, the two friends warily looked at each other.

"Thanks for meeting me," Erin's voice was huskier than normal. After waking up hung over and hoarse, not even two cups of coffee, a few aspirin, and a hot shower had Erin looking remotely like normal. Her skin was pale and had a greenish tinge to it. Her features were taut from lack of sleep and stress. Her hair was pulled into a tight ponytail that seemed to only emphasize her frail and pitiful appearance.

Kim just nodded and sipped her steaming hot coffee, not really knowing what to say. After the harsh words Erin had tossed out at her yesterday, she had been surprised to get a text this morning from Erin requesting to meet for breakfast before work. The cruel words from the night before had been made clearer after receiving a call from Jay early this morning. He had questioned Kim about what she had said to make Erin think they were hooking up. Once she realized that Erin had misunderstood her comments, she had agreed to meet with her, but her feelings were still hurt. Erin's words had been cruel and unkind.

"So," Erin began, "I owe you an apology. I misinterpreted what I saw yesterday and then jumped to some obviously incorrect conclusions. I never should have said what I did to you. If you and Jay," Erin swallowed nervously and gave Kim a weak smile, "actually it doesn't matter what you and Jay do. It's none of my business."

Kim gave Erin an incredulous look. "Erin, do you seriously think Jay and I are fooling around?"

"No, maybe," Erin shook her head, "I don't know." She shrugged and gave Kim a confused look. "I don't know what I think, or feel, or believe anymore."

Kim surveyed Erin, and actually felt pretty bad for her. Not just for her clearly hangover state, but for what she must be going through. As upset and irritated as she was at Adam, she tried to imagine how she would feel if she thought that Erin and him were hooking up. Let alone if she thought she had witnessed it. Even the false image that Kim conjured in her mind of the two of them together filled her with anxiety and hurt. She imagined Erin must have been pretty distraught yesterday.

She leaned forward and met Erin's tortured eyes, "Erin, I would NEVER do anything with Jay. You are a friend of mine, and I thought you knew me better than that. " While Kim and Erin weren't exactly best friends, Erin had always looked out for her. As only a handful of female officers, Erin had given her advice more than just a couple of times. Not to mention after her break up with Adam, Erin had been the one who had told her to put the job above the relationship and to not transfer to another district. Erin had also been the one to convince her to talk to Voight about giving her a second chance in Intelligence. Kim was thrilled over the opportunity and loved the work she had been doing the last few weeks. She had hoped the two would form an even closer friendship working together in Intelligence.

Knowing what Kim was saying was the truth, Erin thoughtfully looked out the window, "I do know that, but…" she sighed. "He just looks so happy lately when he is with you."

Kim laughed lightly, "Well, that's your first mistake."

Erin looked at her sharply, "He's not happy? You guys aren't working out? 'Cause it looks like you are."

"No, he's a real good partner," Erin nodded her agreement on that, and Kim continued, "I just meant that he's not really that happy. I mean he messes around with the guys and stuff at work, but he spends a decent amount of time looking as mopey and sad as you do."

Erin sighed. She didn't really know how that made her feel. A part of her had been glad that he was actually happy, but hearing that maybe he missed her too made her happy, also. It was all so confusing, and she really wished she could remember more of what they must have talked about last night. Why were you at my place last night, Jay? _You know why_.

Kim decided she was over being in the dark. "Tell, you what. I will forgive you, if you explain to me why you broke up when you both clearly aren't over each other."

Erin leaned back and sipped her coffee. It was hard enough to look in the mirror and see the reasons why Jay didn't want to be with her, but she really didn't want to share all her faults with Kim. She bit her lip and eyed Kim. She let out a steadying breath. "He didn't see a future with us."

"I find that hard to believe," Kim sat back and crossed her arms over chest.

"He was always talking about the future. He kept forgetting that I'm not exactly future fantasy spouse material."

Kim crinkled her forehead in confusion. "What is 'future fantasy spouse material'?"

"You know. When you think about years from now, and you imagine watching your kid's school plays, who's by your side? Who's there for you when those kids are sick? Who's sitting next to you at their graduations?" She gave Kim a sad smile, "Who do you see sitting in side-by-side rocking chairs watching the sunset at your Wisconsin retirement home?"

Kim's brow furrowed a bit, "Wisconsin?" She questioned.

Erin shrugged that comment off, "You know what I mean. That future person, that kind of just fits into all the fantasies and dreams you've had of the future."

Kim thought of Adam. She loved him. Still after all these months, there was a lot lingering feelings, but she had ended their engagement. She did understand what Erin meant. The more she had gotten to know Adam, the more he didn't quite fit into all her dreams. Adam was sweet and caring, but he was also impulsive and immature. He didn't seem like the kind of guy to stick by your side through everything. His long list of ex- fiancées was evidence of not being able to follow through on something. She was, however, surprised that Erin couldn't see Jay as her 'dream guy.' He was kind, smart, funny, hard-working, and, let's be honest, great looking. Jay was the kind of guy that fit everyone's dream future. Kim wondered what kind of guy Erin saw in her future if it wasn't a guy like Jay.

"Why can't you see Jay in your future?" she questioned lightly, not wanting to upset Erin too much.

Erin looked at her in surprise, "What? No." She gave Kim a knowing look, "He didn't see me in his future. He said that it hurt to be with me and he wanted something different for his future. I said let's just end it if it wasn't working for him." Her heart hurt just remembering the conversation. She had known when she looked into his disappointed eyes, that he was done trying to make things work with her. Knowing Jay, he probably would have let it drag out for a few more months. Erin just sped the process along. She shook her head at the memory, "He wanted to end it, but he's just too nice, so I did the job for him."

Kim looked at her doubtfully, "Are you sure, Erin? I think maybe you two just had a misunderstanding. I can tell he is still hung up on you." She thought about the times she had seen the two detectives together. Even when she they weren't dating, they had always seemed so connected.

Erin nodded sadly, "He's not hung up on me. He's already moved on." The image of the girl from last night flashed into her mind.

Misunderstanding, Kim jumped in, "I told you, Erin. Jay and I are a nonissue!"

Erin closed her eyes briefly. Blue eyes and long blond hair, danced across her mind. "Not you, there is some other girl. He was with her at Molly's last night. He's sleeping with this girl that is some friend of Will's. I don't know her, but she's pretty." She studied her coffee and muttered under her breath, "She's probably from Wisconsin."

Kim shook her head eyeing Erin's downcast eyes, "I doubt he's really moved on. Maybe you also misunderstood that, too. After all, last night you also thought I was sleeping with Jay. Maybe you are just seeing things that you are afraid of happening."

"Ah, no." Erin quickly replied, "He straight out told me he was sleeping with her. Actually he yelled it at me in the middle of Molly's"

Kim sat contemplatively thinking about how messed up relationships were. Her and Adam. Jay and Erin. "I hate guys," she announced.

Erin gave her a tentative smile, "Do you also hate jealous and emotional friends who overreact to innocent situations?"

Kim shook her head, "Absolutely not. It sounds like Jay's been messing with your head throwing other girls in your face, and that's not your fault. It's been months, but I still don't think I could handle seeing Adam with someone else." She paused briefly. "Truthfully, I don't know if I ever will be okay with that."

Both sad in silence for a few moments, thinking about their exes, lost in memories of the past.

Kim looked back up at Erin, "What you said to me last night, did make me think long and hard about my future here." She looked at Erin seriously, "I vow to never, ever date another cop. Ever!" She reiterated.

Erin lifted her coffee cup, "I hear ya, sister." They clinked their cups together lightly and drank to their common vow.

Simultaneously, both their phones went off. Erin gave it a quick glance and saw that their day was about to start. "Looks like we've got another body in the Herrera case. Let's go."

….

Jay fisted his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. He'd been so out of sorts this morning that he'd forgotten his gloves. Glancing up at the dark clouds overhead, he acknowledged that he'd worn the wrong jacket as well. He was going to be pissed if it started raining before they finished up this crime scene. Of course, he was already pissed off, so not that much would change.

He'd dozed for a few hours this morning on Erin's couch, then after checking on her one last time, he had slipped out of her apartment. His mind was so confused after last night. Seeing her looking so vulnerable had really done a number on him. He tried not to put too much stock into the different things she had rambled on about last night. She had said she was sorry, that she missed him, and she wanted 'her Jay' back. He knew she was wasted out of her mind, but there was a part of him that hoped what she was saying was the truth. That she did still want him in her life.

He'd already been at the station when the call went out about this body and had rode over with Ruzek and Dawson. Adam had immediately started in about the hot chick that he'd seen Jay with the night before. Jay had blown it off, but had noted Dawson eyeing him in the rearview mirror. Since Dawson and Erin were now partnered up, Jay had his suspicions about how much Antonio was looped in on the Erin situation.

The guys stood around the crime scene, surveying the body, allowing the forensic guys to do their thing. After a few minutes, Erin rolled up in the Chrysler. Jay's brow furrowed when he saw Burgess slip out of the passenger seat. Where the hell were those two coming from? He'd called Burgess early this morning on his way home from Erin's to clue her into the fact that Erin had some crazy idea in her head that they were involved. Kim had mumbled that it explained some things, and that she'd see him in a bit. Checking his watch he noted that it had been less than two hours since he'd slipped from Erin's apartment. Eyeing the two woman as they walked toward the scene, they seemed like two best friends. How had Erin and Kim reconciled in such a short time? Rolling his eyes, _women._

As they approached, Kim broke away from Erin and made her way to where Jay stood. He nodded at her and was surprised to have her narrow her eyes at him. "Jerk," he thought he heard her murmur under her breath.

"What?" he questioned, sure that he must have heard her wrong. She just threw him a dirty look before turning her attention toward the body.

"So this is the business partner?" as she spoke, Voight and Olinksy appeared, walking down the stairs of the nearby house. Voight motioned for everyone to gather around. He quickly relayed all the pertinent details of the scene. He rattled off assignments to the team, and then disappeared back into the house.

….

A few hours later Kim and Jay were situated outside of what looked like an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town. They were stationed on the north side of the building while the rest of the team took various positions around the rest of the building. They'd already been settled in for about twenty minutes. With no movement so far, it could end up being a long afternoon.

"What was with the attitude this morning?" Jay questioned Kim. He'd stayed quiet about it throughout the morning, thinking that he was imagining it, but after a few hours, he was sure something was wrong. She'd had nothing but eye rolls, snarky comments, and dirty looks for him. At first he thought maybe she was just in a bad mood, but she'd been treating everyone else just fine. Even Erin, who he thought Kim had an actually reason to be mad at, was excused from the bad attitude. Jay had even spied them in the break room discussing something. When he'd walked in, they'd both clamed up and left the room without even a word. Erin studiously avoiding eye contact, while Kim giving him an annoyed look.

Kim just countered with her own question, "What is going on with you and Erin?"

Jay was startled and looked at her in surprise, "What do you mean? We broke up. You know that."

"Hmmm," she murmured taping her finger thoughtfully on the steering wheel, "Where'd you sleep last night, Halstead?"

Jay pursed his lips and refocused his full attention on the warehouse. "She was drunk. I just stayed to see that she was okay."

Kim gave him a fake smile, "Oh, you took her home from Molly's?" The smile dropped from her face,  
"Because I was under the impression you were on date with some floozy there last night."

Jay gave Kim a sideways glance full of irritation. "I don't know what Erin told you, but she was drunk off her ass last night, so you might not want to trust the source."

Kim let out a snort and rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"You need to drop the attitude with me." Jay returned quickly. "Whatever is happening with me and Erin has nothing to do with you and me. So maybe you should stay out of it." He knew he was sounding like a jerk, but he'd had enough. After Erin's accusations yesterday, her ramblings last night, and Kim's attitude today, he was done with woman. He just wanted to work the job and be left alone. It's always nice to have a partner you could get along with. It was nice to have someone to pass the time with, but it wasn't a necessity. They could sit in silence for the next ten hours for all he cared. He just knew he didn't want to talk about or even think about Erin anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

For the second night in a row, Jay found himself pacing outside Erin's door. This time, he knew she was home. He had seen her car down in the lot, and noted lights on in the windows that he knew belonged to her apartment. The only reason she probably hadn't opened the door was that he hadn't yet found the courage to knock on it. So many different thoughts tumbled through his mind, and he didn't have a clear idea of exactly how he was feeling. Seeing her so vulnerable last night, had confused him even more. Yet at the same time, he was irritated at her openness with Burgess. After all Erin's insistence of professionalism at work, the fact that Erin was sharing all with their colleagues was annoying. Letting his irritation control his emotions, he strode to the door and gave it a few sharp knocks.

Just a few moments passed before he heard footsteps approaching the other side of the door. A slightly longer pause than he would have thought occurred before the door lock was unsecured. He realized that Erin must have hesitated after noticing it was him through the peephole. Slowly though, the door opened. Sure enough the uncertainty was evident all over her face.

"Hey," she cautiously greeted him.

Although he was filled with frustration and irritation, he tried to push the emotions down. He wanted to try and at least make it through the door, and if Erin thought he was here to give her a piece of his mind, she'd probably slam the door in his face.

"Hey," he returned the greeting casually. "We didn't get to, ah, talk, yesterday. You were kind of… um…"

"-wasted," Erin supplied him. Her eyes were narrowed slightly, as she contemplated why exactly Jay was here. They'd avoided each other most of the day. After her outburst last night, their subsequent fight, and his revelation that he was involved with someone new, Erin had no idea how to even be around Jay. A part of her had hoped maybe he was missing her, like she was missing him. Seeing him with his new fling put an end to all those fantasies. Erin had spent a good part of today trying to come to terms with that. She knew things were over between them, but there'd been a lingering part of her that thought somehow they'd find a way to work things out, find their way back to each other. She'd realized that she was going to have to move past this all. Yet, here Jay was, at her doorstep for the second night in a row. It was kind of hard to move on from someone that showed up at your door every night.

Erin opened her door wide enough for Jay to enter, and then closed it behind him. Not really sure where their conversation was going to lead, Jay didn't feel quite comfortable just plopping down on the couch. It wasn't like he was here to watch a game and drink a beer. So instead he perched himself on the arm of the couch, and he surveyed Erin. She had her arms wrapped around her body in what he recognized as her defensive posture, and she eyed him with a questioning look.

"Listen, I wanted to apolo-"

"Last night I was upset abou-"

They both began to talk at the same time, and both stopped after only a few words. Jay laughed slightly, and motioned for Erin to speak first.

"I wanted to apologize for what I accused you and Burgess of last night." She shrugged slightly. "I saw a moment and jumped to an obviously erroneous conclusion. Then I attacked both of you." She met his eyes, "I'm sorry. I already apologized to Kim."

Jay nodded but couldn't keep the irritation out of his voice when he spoke, "That's part of what I want to talk to you about. I'd appreciate if you keep our personal life away from our professional life." Erin's eyes widened in surprise at his tone. "I didn't enjoy getting nothing but attitude from my partner today after you two gossiped about me all morning."

Erin let out a frustrated gasp, "I had breakfast with Kim to apologize for being a jerk yesterday, not to gossip about you."

"Well, somehow she knew I spent the night here last night." Both their eyes darted towards the couch were Jay had slept the night before. "Plus, she seemed privy to an awful lot of information about our break up."

Erin gave Jay a sheepish look, "I am sorry! I just had to apologize to Kim, and we got to talking and some stuff came out."

Jay's irritation flared, "She's my partner, Erin! I need to know that she has my back, not that she's taking sides in some sort of lover's quarrel."

"That wasn't my intention, Jay!"

"Well, keep our personal life away from work and our colleagues."

Erin narrowed her eyes, "Do you mean to tell me that Mouse is out of the loop on what went down between me and you?"

She saw guilt flash across Jay's face, "That's different…" he protested.

"No," Erin shook her head adamantly. "I have to work with Mouse. We are colleagues. I'm sure you've shared all sort of things with him that'd I'd rather he didn't know-"

Jay interrupted, "You don't count on Mouse to watch your back in gunfight. It's not the same."

Both were frustrated and irritated. Erin took a step away from Jay and ran her hands through her hair emotionally. "It was just nice to have a friend. Somebody, anybody, to talk to." She looked at Jay in desperation, "Don't you get it? I lost my boyfriend, partner, and best friend all in one fell swoop. It was just nice, you know. Someone who listened, understood, what I was going through."

Jay felt his anger leave him in one instant at Erin's words. Once again, he was reminded that he hadn't tried to view their break up from her point of view. He could tell she'd been feeling lost. As much as he knew Erin liked to go it alone in all things, to prove that she was Miss Independent, Jay realized, as he had always suspected, that Erin really did need her friends to lean on. With no biological family to support her in her daily life, her work family _was_ her family.

He tried to keep his tone calm before speaking, "I get it, Erin. I know you and Kim are friends, and I want that, encourage it, but Kim and I are trying to develop our partnership. It's still new and I need to trust her. I need to know that she trusts me. Filling her head with…whatever…just …" Jay didn't know how to continue. He looked to Erin, hoping that she was understanding what he was trying to say.

She gave him a sharp nod, but didn't meet his eyes. "I get it." Her gaze was fixed to the side, looking toward the darkened window, She was biting her lip, a habit he knew she had when she was thinking hard about something. Whatever was on her mind she held back though and silence filled the room.

The quiet stretched out awkwardly, and Jay contemplated if Erin wanted him to just leave. He had said what he came to say, and maybe there really was nothing more to say between them. Quietly he straightened and took two steps toward the door.

Suddenly, her quiet voice broke through the silence behind him, "Why were you here last night?" He paused his steps and dropped his head as he thought about the night before. He remembered Erin revealing how much she missed him, that she dreamed of him, that she wanted him back. He remembered her head resting against his shoulders as he carried her. His lips could still feel where hers had brushed softly and searchingly against his. He swallowed thickly before turning slowly back around to face Erin. She was looking at him with soft, questioning eyes. "I don't remember much about last night, but I do remember asking why you were here. You said that I know why, but I don't. I don't get it."

Jay let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. His lips were pressed together in a grim line. "Erin," he began, "I don't want to fight anymore." He knew if he started talking about what had been on his mind, it would just start an argument.

"Neither do I," she quickly interjected.

Jay sighed, "We have to move past this."

Erin nodded sadly, "I know. I just… miss you. I miss us."

Despite his resolve not to get angry, he could feel it bubbling in him at her words. His voice was tight as he replied, "Erin, you pushed me away. You ended our relationship. I get that you miss me, but this is what you wanted. What did you think would happen when you broke up with me?"

Erin's eyes widened a bit and felt her own frustration rise, "You wanted out, Jay. Don't put it all on me!"

"I never said that!"

Erin shook her head, "What am I supposed to think when you say that I do nothing but hurt you?"

Jay threw up his hands in frustration, "I was being honest, Erin! You acted like you didn't want to be with me. You didn't want to spend time with me. We never went out, we didn't talk."

"We talked," Erin muttered.

"Not about the things that were important. Not about what was really bothering you." Jay gave her a pointed look. They talked about work and their friends, but anytime Jay ever tried to get Erin to talk about what was really on her mind, she always shut him down.

Erin didn't like hearing what Jay was saying. She shrugged lightly and ducked her head, "What was the point? It wasn't anything new." Erin felt everyone just wanted her to get over what happened in the last year. That she wasn't supposed to still be upset about Nadia's death. That she should have just moved on by this point. Bringing it up repeatedly seemed like a waste of everyone's time.

Jay reached out and laid his hand on her arm, "I would have listened anyways, Erin."

Erin glanced up and saw his caring eyes. Seeing that caring now, just upset her. He wasn't hers anymore. He had moved on, "You seemed to walk away easy enough."

Jay let his hand drop from her arm in shock. "Seriously, Erin? You are the queen of walking away when it comes to this relationship."

Erin was instantly defensive, "I told you I was trying to work on some things. You just weren't willing wait for me to get to that place I needed to be. I was trying, Jay."

Jay let out a derisive laugh, "Wait for you, Erin? You think I wasn't willing to wait for you?" His voice raised in anger, "I've been waiting for you for two years! I've been waiting or fighting for this relationship since I met you. Waiting for you to realize that I might be worth it. Worth fighting for!"

Erin took a step back, surprised at the anger in Jay's voice, her voice was small when she replied, "I've always known you were worth it."

"Then why didn't you fight for me. For us?" Jay's eyes were pleading. It was all he had ever wanted from Erin. "Why has it always been so easy for you to walk away from me?" Erin had always been able to walk away from him. From the moment they had first realized there was a connection between them, Erin had been able to walk away from him with nary a look back. Time after time, she had claimed professionalism, Voight, the job, but ultimately, it came down to the fact that Erin was able to walk away from him.

Her eyes were wide as she took in his words. She knew it was the truth. She hadn't fought for him, for them. "I didn't know you felt that way. I'm sorry," She looked down in sadness. She'd always known that their break up was her fault. Now she realized just how much he had been hiding from her. No wonder he had wanted out. The apology felt useless to Erin. It was like trying to put a band aid on a bullet hole. The gaping wound of their relationship had caused them to bleed out long ago. Erin realized there really was nothing she could do to bring them back to life.

She met his eyes, and she could see the heart break there, "I'm glad you've moved on. You deserve more."

Jay let out a frustrated groan, "Erin, that's not-"

"No, I mean it. I… I… I love you, but it's not enough. I realize that now!"

"Stop it, Erin! Don't say that. You don't get to say you love me, after all this time." Jay shook his head emotionally. He would have given anything to hear those words from her anytime over the last few months. "You can't play the victim in this relationship."

"I'm not trying to! I'm just trying to say that I understand why you moved on. Why you have someone new. I don't blame you. It was all my fault. It was me. It _is_ me." She wrapped her arms around her body tightly, almost as if she was trying to hold on to the blame.

Jay took a deep steadying breath. "This is going nowhere. We have to move past this. Truthfully, it doesn't matter anymore. We both walked away. We tried, and it didn't work. Arguing about it, talking around in circles is pointless. I don't want to play the blame game anymore."

Erin felt deflated, she didn't know where to go from here. Everything in her life seemed so unsteady. Jay had always been her anchor, and without him, she had seemed to spend the last few weeks floundering. She walked towards the couch and slowly dropped into it. She held her head in her hands and despite her vow not to cry in front of Jay, she felt the tears start to roll down her cheeks. She knew she had to move on from Jay, but he had been a part of her life for so long, that she just couldn't imagine how to get back to normal without him.

Jay watched in sadness as he saw Erin's shoulders shake in silent sobs. Despite their angry history, he could never let Erin suffer. He loved her, no matter the state of their relationship. He shuffled over to the couch, and eased in next to her. He wrapped his arm around her back, and sighed in relief when she leaned into him and buried her head in his chest, letting him offer her comfort. It was so rare for Erin to let anyone see her in such a vulnerable state. Always so strong, with her walls firmly up. He allowed Erin a few minutes to gather her emotions back under control. He gently stroked her back, and pressed a few light kisses to her hair. "I miss you, too," he whispered.

Finally, she pulled away and looked up at him with tear stained cheeks, "Where do we go from here?"

Jay shrugged and leaned back on the couch, "I don't know. We are a mess, Erin."

Slightly embarrassed over her outpouring of emotion, Erin moved away a bit from Jay, and tucked her legs up under her chin. She wiped at her cheeks, trying to remove the evidence of her tears.

"We are unhappy together, but…" He looked back over at her. Instantly the pull was there, he already wanted to take her back into his arms. "We are miserable apart." Their eyes met solemnly. "We have to find a middle ground."

Erin looked over at Jay, "It's hard to avoid you all day long."

He nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I constantly have to stop myself from wanting to tell you something, or share some dumbass thing Ruzek just did."

Erin let out a laugh, "That's like every twenty minutes."

Jay smiled back at her, "I know, right? I don't know how he makes it though the day without getting bitch slapped or shot by everyone he meets. The guy has no filter."

Erin smiled back at him. The smile actually reaching her eyes. Jay's heart warmed at the look. "Friends." He stated simply. "We have to get back to being friends."

A little doubt creeped back into her eyes, "Can we?"

Jay reached out to Erin, and placed his hand along her back. "I think we can. It's where we started. Throughout this whole mess, we were always friends until now. I think that is why it's been so difficult the last few weeks."

Erin eyed him thoughtfully, "So what does that look like. Us as friends?"

Jay rolled his eyes, "I don't know, what it always has looked like. Us hanging out. Grabbing a beer, watching a game," he gave her a nudge with his shoulder, "working out."

Erin gave him a startled look, "What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying I need to work out?"

Jay raised his eyebrows and gave her a teasing look, "I'm not saying that, buuutttt you were kind of in the back the other day when we were chasing down that burglary suspect."

Erin laughed and looked at Jay indignantly, "He had thrown a chair at me!"

Jay shrugged, but smiled, "I don't know about that, but I know I did see Olinksy pass you by, and that guy hasn't broken a sweat since the 90's."

Erin rolled her eyes and gave Jay a punch in the shoulder. He lifted his hand to tap the place where she had hit him. "Is there a fly in here? I think I felt something."

"Whatever. Maybe I've skipped a few workouts."

Jay shifted in his seat to face her more fully. "How about a run? Tomorrow down at the River Walk. We can pound out all this emotional crap with a workout." He raised his eyebrows at her, "Chances are you will be so beat, you won't have the energy to gripe at me about anything. If you can even keep up."

Her competitive spirit took over, "Oh, I can keep up."

"Dare we put a wager on this hidden athletic ability that you claim to have?"

Erin gave him an arrogant look, "I can run. I have no doubt I will be able to keep up. Twenty bucks?"

Jay felt happiness spreading throughout his body. He was right. Their friendship had been a constant over the last two years, and without it, both of them had been sent into a tailspin. Maybe they couldn't get it together as a couple, but maybe somehow they could find their way back to that place where they first started. Friends.

 **Thanks to all who have been reading and reviewing. Several people seem to not really get why Jay and Erin broke up. I thought I'd been making it clear, but I guess it's still confusing to a few people. I tried to explain it again in this section. I guess I need to work on writing the character motivation more clearly. Still it seems as though a few people are reading still and enjoying it. I had planned to continue into the second half of the story, but with quite a few negative comments, I am rethinking that. If I'm writing them too out of character, I might go back to the drawing board, and just start a different story with a different plot. Please continue with the feedback. Positive or negative, it actually does still help me as a writer and will let me know if I'm headed in the right direction or if I just went to far off on a implausible plot.**


	9. Chapter 9

Erin sat on the very edge of the leather couch. Her arms were crossed tightly in front of her. Her knee bounced up and down nervously. Noticing the behavior tick, she mentally forced herself to stop the action. Her eyes darted around the room trying to find something to focus on besides the man across from her.

"You seem nervous, Erin."

She raised her eyebrows in a knowing look, "This isn't really my thing. You know that."

Dr. Charles nodded in acknowledgement. "You have mentioned that before. Yet, you have scheduled three appointments in the last month with me. Although, you cancelled two of them before making it here today." He looked at her thoughtfully. "While talking might not be… how did you phrase it…your thing. It does seem like it is something, maybe, you want to try."

Erin glanced down at her knee again, which had started its bouncing once more. She slammed her hand down on it, as if the physical presence of her hand would stop the nervous habit. "Yeah, I just was thinking. When we've talked over coffee or a drink that it was…I don't know…nice." She gave him a small smile. "You _are_ easy to talk to."

"Yet, you've been here almost twenty minutes and haven't really said anything."

Erin tilted her head thoughtfully, her mouth slightly open as if she was going to speak, but then shut it again. She shrugged, "I'm just not sure what to talk about."

"I get that. Not knowing where to start. Especially if you've got a lot on your mind." Erin nodded in agreement. She definitely had a lot on her mind. Life, lately, had been a roller coaster of emotions. After the heartbreaking end to her and Jay's relationship, she felt she had been in a downward spiral for weeks. The end of their relationship as well as partnership, had left her feeling so lost. Cautiously in the last two weeks, they had tried to reconnect as friends. It was awkward to say the least, but she finally felt like she was moving forward instead of falling backwards. That's how she had ended up here with Dr. Charles. She wanted to feel like she was doing something more proactive in her life. Instead of just sitting around and letting life happen to her, she wanted to do something for herself. Something to make her feel better on her own without Jay, Hank, Kim, or anyone else's involvement.

"I have an idea," Dr. Charles began. "Why don't you tell me about the last two times you made appointments to see me? Something must have been going on to cause you to reach out. If we start there, maybe we can then move forward to now, and then just see where that takes us." He glanced down at a notebook in his hand. "Let's see. It seemed about five weeks ago you called in the evening and made an appointment with me, but my service said you cancelled it the very next day. Didn't want to reschedule. Let's start with that day." He gave Erin an encouraging look, letting her know it was her turn to talk.

Erin let out a soft breath. She had known that he was going to have to talk to Dr. Charles about her break up with Jay. It was a huge part of why she was here. But talking about it, God, had it really been five weeks already, it was still difficult to talk about.

"Umm, yeah, I guess that would have been when I broke up with Jay. It was hard. I was having a difficult time with it."

"Okay, so you wanted to talk about the break up that day. That's why you called me, to talk over what happened?"

Erin shook her head, "No, I actually made the appointment before we broke up. After we broke up, I called back and cancelled it."

Dr. Charles tilted his head in confusion. "You wanted to talk before you broke up but not after? Tell me more about that."

Erin swallowed nervously, but she decided to go ahead and just share. Keeping everything in had done her little good. "Jay and I were having some problems." She corrected herself, "Well, more likely, I was having some problems. I guess I had been pulling away from Jay a bit. I was having a hard time letting myself be happy. It felt… forced…fake."

"Why do you think you shouldn't be happy?"

Erin set her mouth to a firm line, "I know it's illogical. I get that. I know that it is just survivor's guilt, or whatever it's called."

"Yes, I'm familiar with the term." He nodded at Erin. "So let me make sure I understand. The survivor's guilt is from you still feeling to blame for your friend's death. Nadia?"

Erin shook her head, it had taken awhile, but she no longer felt that weight on her shoulders. Yates was to blame and nobody else. "No, I don't blame myself anymore, but…" She gave Dr. Charles a sad look, "I still feel bad about her death. That she didn't get to live the life she dreamed of." Taking a deep breath, she continued. "She had a lot of dreams, and she would have reached them. She was just so determined, and enthusiastic, and hard working. She had really gotten her life together. She was happy. She just did NOT deserve to die." The anguish that she felt whenever she discussed Nadia resurfaced. She dropped her head and studied the pattern on the carpet. Her mind lost in her memories.

The clearing of Dr. Charles's throat brought her back to the present, "So, you were with…Jay, but not really happy with that relationship. Relationships are difficult, I know. Especially if you're with someone not really supportive of what you are going through."

Erin once again shook her head. "No, Jay wasn't like that. He was supportive. _Very_ supportive." She paused briefly, "Is it possible you can be too supportive?" Erin questioned Dr. Charles.

He gave her a thoughtful look, "I would imagine it could feel that way. How did it feel with Jay?"

She shrugged. "Most the time he felt… safe." Her eyes softened, as they often did when she thought of Jay. "He's a great guy. Day or night, he's the kind of guy you can count on. We've been…close for a few years now."

"But you're not a couple anymore?"

Erin licked her lips nervously, "No, we just…" she sighed. "Like I said, I was pulling away and it wasn't fair to him. So we, I, ended it."

"Okay, that can be difficult. Ending a relationship when you still care about someone is never easy. I guess that is why you called me."

Erin made a face, "Not exactly, I called you before we broke up. I was kind of hoping if I worked on a few things with you, that maybe I could figure out a way to make things work with Jay. Give him what he needed."

"What was it that you thought Jay needed?" Dr. Charles asked.

Erin shrugged, "I don't know. I mean, I think he just wanted me, but maybe… a different version of me. Someone who is happier, not as…damaged."

"You see yourself as damaged?"

Erin rolled her eyes, "I know, Doc, you've only heard bits and pieces of my history. But trust me. Damaged goods barely even describes the walking disaster that is me." Erin knew that talking with Dr. Charles would probably be helpful in the long run, but she couldn't really imagine baring all about her upbringing with Bunny. Those were memories that she would prefer to keep buried in the past. It was bad enough that Bunny kept popping up in her life. Reliving those childhood memories, was not something she was prepared to deal with. At least not today.

"How do you think Jay sees you?"

Erin blinked a bit, startled by the question. "I…I…I don't know. I mean I know what he says, but I don't really know if that's how he really feels."

"What does he say?"

Erin thought back to some of the comments that Jay had made over the years, "I guess he sees me as tough? Strong willed. I know he says I am stubborn." Unknowingly a smile drifted across her face, "He says I have a big heart."

"Yet, you don't think that he's truthful with you?"

Erin thought for a moment, "I don't think he lies to me or anything, but I do think he hides things from me. I know he hides how he really feels at times, holds back on what he's really thinking."

Dr. Charles asked for more information, "Why might he hold back from you?"

Erin took a deep breath, and then let it out, "According to Jay, I have a habit of running away. So, I imagine he holds back because he is afraid if he pushes me, I will probably bolt."

"Is he right?"

Erin met his eyes, "Maybe." Erin didn't elaborate.

Sensing that Erin was thinking about clamming back up, he decided to change the topic.

"Why did you cancel the appointment? That first time."

Erin set her jaw and shrugged, "We'd broken up. What was the point?"

Dr. Charles gave an understanding nod, "All right, let's move forward a bit." He glanced back at his notes. "So it seems maybe 3 weeks later, you contacted me again to make another appointment. I actually talked to you that night. Do you remember?"

Sometime in between seeing Kim and Jay together in the locker room and getting wasted that night, she had called Dr. Charles. She had been surprised when she'd reached him, as it was after what she considered normal business hours. She'd asked if she could meet with him some time that week. She had felt so full of anger, sadness, and hopelessness, that she was afraid she might fall down that hole she had found herself in last summer. Out of desperation she had reached out to the doctor. The next day, hungover and facing the reality of what had really gone on, she had once again called his service and cancelled the appointment. He had left her a few messages since then, requesting her to contact him, but she had ignored the messages.

"I had misinterpreted something I saw. I'd been pretty upset about it. When I realized that I had made a mistake, I just thought it wasn't necessary."

"What had you seen?" Dr. Charles asked thoughtfully.

Erin gritted her teeth, and shook her head. "I don't really want to talk about that right now."

"That's definitely up to you," he gave her an encouraging smile. "Maybe we should just talk about today then. I was pleased when you dropped by. I saw your name on my appointment list, but to be honest I wasn't all that sure you'd show up."

Erin's eyes lit up a bit. She may be uncomfortable actually being here and talking about her past and relationships, but she was proud of her decision to come here today. "I want to heal. I want to feel better about myself and be more confident in my actions." She even let a smile flit across her face, "I do want to be happy."

Dr. Charles gave her a returning smile, "Then let's get to work."

….

Erin gasped for breath, and bent over at the waist as soon as she reached the bench that signaled she had completed the five mile run. Her hair had mostly fallen out of its ponytail and lay plastered against face. Her clothes were drenched with sweat, and she considered dropping to the ground to just lay down and die. Jay, breathing heavily, but definitely not looking as close to death as Erin, stood near the bench completing his post run stretches. Erin gave him a dirty look. How dare he look so…healthy, after just running the same distance as her. Eying the concrete ground and the bench, she decided on the bench and collapsed in a heap on top of it.

In his know-it-all voice, Jay warned her, "You're going to get a cramp. You should really stretch."

"I can't stretch. I can't move. I'm too busy dying." Jay chuckled at her drama. He grabbed her hand pulled her up to her feet. Reluctantly she began the process stretching out her legs. Now that she was starting to get her breath back, she actually felt pretty good. Two weeks ago, they had first started their runs any mornings they could squeeze them in. Of course several days a week, work took priority, but this was their sixth run. The first time their goal had only been three miles. Despite her brag to Jay that she could run, she truthfully hadn't worked out or ran in months. Erin had always kept her body trim through random gym workouts. She'd never really been a runner. That first run with Jay had been painful, but when she was done, she had also felt exhilarated. Her blood had been pumping and her muscles screaming, but she had felt good. A bonus had been the rekindling of friendship with Jay. True, running didn't exactly give them opportunity to talk, but maybe that was a good thing. They could spend a little time together, but not actually have to worry about getting into the issues that plagued them.

"You know, there is a half marathon in Highland Park at the end of May. We keep this training up, it might be fun to try it." Jay laughed at the incredulous look Erin threw his way.

"Isn't that like 13 miles? I am dying at 5!"

Jay flashed her a smile, Erin's heart fluttered at the grin, "Well, there is a 10k, but that'd be no challenge at all!"

Erin did the math in her head, "What do you mean, no challenge? That's like 6 miles!"

"Okay, okay, but think about it." He dropped his head to stretch out his back muscles, and Erin thought she saw a bit of a shadow cross his face. Erin knew he really wanted to do the race, and he was disappointed in her refusal. She thought about what she had said to Dr. Charles about Jay often hiding how he really felt from her. Especially when he was afraid the truth might cause her to run away.

"Let's do it!" Erin spontaneously decided. Jay looked up in surprise, and Erin's heart swelled at the obvious joy that her answer brought him. Saying yes was one of her new mottos. She'd been meeting with Dr. Charles, twice a week for the last couple of weeks, too, and one of the commitments she'd made to him was to say yes. It seems like such a simple word, but one that she'd always had a hard time with. Too often, she let herself get lost in her head, thinking about all the possible negative outcomes of her actions, that she would forget to actually live life. Erin had always known that she pushed people away and kept them at arm's length, but she hadn't known how to change that. Saying yes was her attempt at opening her life to others. So far her change of attitude had resulted in a surprisingly relaxing spa day with Burgess, attending a kickass R&B concert with Atwater, and sitting through a painful school play of Antonio's son Diego. And now apparently, she was committing to a half marathon with Jay. While she wouldn't exactly say that her life had been revolutionized, she was…happy. Her days were busy with work, and her free time was filled with friends. She truly thought she was beginning to take steps toward reaching her goal of healing.

In her past, her only outlet had been work. When life got difficult, she threw herself into her work. The only problem was that her job wasn't exactly a positive atmosphere. She loved her job, but it was often long hours, filled with difficult cases and too often filled with unhappy endings. Getting out of that dark place in her mind, and seeing how her colleagues spent their time had been enlightening. Relaxing her body with a massage, being introduced to the R&B scene in Chicago, or even punishing her body on these runs. All had done what she thought was unimaginable. They'd made her feel good. Except the school play. That truly had been torture. Although seeing the love shining in Antonio's eyes as he watched his son and made her heart quiver with envy.

As they walked back towards were they had parked their cars, Jay rattled on about the details of the event. He was also rambling on about the training schedule they'd have to commit to if they were going to put up a decent time. Clearly he had done a bit of research and planning before broaching the topic with her. Erin just nodded absentmindedly as they walked.

Suddenly she had a thought, "Isn't your girlfriend going to mind you spending so much time with me?"

Jay stumbled a bit, and Erin reached out to steady him, "You okay?"

He nodded, a perplexing look on his face, "Yeah, I just…" he glanced back on the path they were walking along. "Must have been a rock."

Erin shrugged, accepting his answer. She continued with her earlier question. "I know you are in a new relationship, and I don't want to cause a problem there. I mean it sounds like we will be training 5 days a week. She might have a problem with that."

Guilt flashed across Jay's face. "Erin, I'm not-"

Erin interrupted him, "I don't expect you to talk to me about it. I just don't want to cause a problem. I mean, she obviously knows about me. I met her that night at Molly's, but I don't want her to be uncomfortable with our friendship." Her eyes flashed concern. She enjoyed this time she was spending with Jay, but she didn't want it to hurt the relationship she knew he was starting up.

"Umm, yeah, don't worry about it. It's cool." Jay brushed the comment off and quickly changed the topic. "So breakfast?"

Glancing at her watch, Erin shook her head. "No, I promised Kim I would meet her this morning. I'm actually going to have to hurry if I am going to shower and get back across town to meet her." She looked back up at Jay with a quick grin. "You should join us."

Jay shook his head, "No, actually, I just remembered I needed to stop by the hospital to talk to Will about something." He had an odd look on his face, and Erin was wondering if she had something to upset him.

Erin gave him a hesitant smile, "Okay then, I guess I'll see you at work later."

Jay nodded distractedly, and then left, heading towards his car. Erin watched him go, and let out a deep breath. She was happier lately. She really was, but she was also still very much in love with Jay. Without the pressure of their relationship, they'd been able to get back to the beginnings of the friendship that they had started years ago. It seemed that no matter what had happened between them, the chemistry was still there. Erin had to constantly remind herself that he was with someone new. She kept thinking that the love she felt for him would dissipate, but she also thought maybe she was just kidding herself. Guys like Jay didn't come around, but once in a lifetime. She'd had two chances with him, and she had blown them both. She had to let him move on, and figure out a way to move on herself. Erin decided that she would bring it up with the doc when she met with him later this week. Glancing at her watch, she realized, she really was going to be late for her breakfast with Burgess if she didn't get going right this minute. Trying to push her mixed emotions regarding Jay out of her mind, she slipped into her car, pumped up the music, and headed home.


	10. Chapter 10

"Okay, I've got like 10 minutes for this absolutely important chat that you need to have that cannot wait." Will gave his brother a slightly irritated look. Jay had texted him half an hour ago, insisting that he needed to talk to Will this morning. Assuming it might be related to some sort of case, Will made the time, but the Emergency Department had been swamped all morning, and he truly didn't have more than just a few minutes.

Jay nodded, "All right, I'll be quick. I need you to get me the number of that Lily girl you had set me up with a few weeks back." He looked at Will with hopeful eyes.

Will's brow furrowed in confusion, "Ohhh-kay, I am going to ignore that you pulled me out of a busy morning of work to talk about your love life, to instead focus on the fact that you want the number of a girl that you blew off, rather rudely, might I add."

Jay had the forthright to actually look a little contrite, "Yeah, I know, but I want to take her out now."

Will narrowed his eyes, "Why?" He knew his brother, and Jay had showed zero interest in Lily that night. He'd been all mopey and depressed for the first half hour. Sending Will annoyed looks for even setting him up on the surprise date. Then after having a heated argument with Erin by the bathrooms, he had returned, seething with anger. He'd hung around for about thirty more minutes before storming out. He hadn't even given Lily a backwards glance.

Jay was clearly uncomfortable with Will questioning him, "I just felt bad about how I treated her. I want to take her out as an apology."

Still confused, and sensing something more was going on, Will continued to push Jay, "Why now? Why feel guilty three weeks later."

Actual guilt flashed across Jay's face. "I just really need to go out with her."

Glancing at the time on his phone, Will shrugged, "Little brother, you might be good at undercover on the job, but you suck at lying in real life. Tell me the truth. I've got like three minutes before I have to be back inside."

Jay pursed his lips in annoyance. Will could be so unpredictable at times. If he told him the truth, he might help him, or he might tell him to get over it. The silence continued with both brothers staring the other down.

Jay broke first, "Fine. I kind of told Erin that Lily was my new girlfriend that night. So she thinks we've been dating this whole time."

Will shrugged his shoulders, "So what? Your ex thinks you have a new girlfriend. Big deal."

"Well, we've been talking-"

Will interrupted, "Not this again." He had caught the tail end of Jay and Erin's first break up, which hadn't been too bad, but firsthand he had seen the distress that Erin put Jay through last summer when she'd quit her job and turned to drinking and drugs. He'd also witnessed the disintegration of their relationship after the murder of Gregory Yates. Jay had been constantly on edge filled with frustration. Will wasn't a relationship expert, but it didn't take one to realize that Jay and Erin just couldn't get things to work.

"We are just friends," Jay stated, although he hoped Will wouldn't see through that lie. As much as Jay wanted to claim that they were just friends, he knew that he might never be able to be just friends with Erin. At least not the way they were back before he had learned what it was like to love Erin. He could laugh with her, tease her, hang out with her, like a friend, but none of that meant a thing to his heart. He couldn't stop loving her. Especially lately. This last week, she had a lightness to her that he couldn't remember seeing in a long time. She smiled frequently, and seemed to be full of life. He'd heard that she'd gone out with a few different members of the team this last week. Dawson had even suckered his new partner into attending his son's school play. But she didn't seem to mind any of it. She smiled, said yes, and seemed to enjoy everything.

Running together had seemed to be therapeutic to both Erin and their relationship. While they didn't have much time to actually talk on their runs, they did chit chat a little before and after. Last week they had even got breakfast. If had been a little quiet, and most the conversation had revolved around the team, but it had still been nice. Erin looked good, too. Color seemed to have returned to her pale face, and a healthy sheen seemed stay on her face all day. He thought she kind of glowed lately. He knew he sounded like a lovelorn loser waxing on about her beauty, but he couldn't help it. She was beautiful to him.

But they had sworn to try and get their friendship back. To put aside their personal feelings for each other and just be friends. And Erin seemed accepting over the fact that Jay was seeing someone new. Except, that was a lie. Jay wasn't seeing someone new. Realizing that Erin was going to get suspicious if he never mentioned or was never seen with his new girlfriend, Jay realized he would have to try and at least take this Lily girl out on a date.

"Snap out of it, bro!" Will waved his hands in front of Jay's face.

"Sorry," Jay muttered, dropping his head with embarrassment at getting caught daydreaming. The knowing look on Will's face made it clear that he knew exactly who Jay had been thinking about. "Look, can I get the number or not?"

Will continued to be a bit ornery, "I don't know. I mean if you are just trying to hook up with Lily to make Erin jealous, that sounds pretty low. I mean, Lily's a nice girl. I don't think she deserves that."

"I'm not trying to make Erin jealous." He shook his head, "I'm just trying to get over her. I have to move on. She just thinks I already have. I think if she knew I still had feelings for her, she'd probably…" Jay actually didn't know how Erin would react. Things had been going so good between them the last week or two. He just didn't want to mess with it. If Erin was fine with him moving on and dating, then Jay was going to do what she wanted. Move on.

Will still looked a little doubtful, "You really think dating Lily is really going to help you get over Erin?"

Jay looked pointedly at Will, "I don't know. Is dating her friend helping you get over Natalie?"

Will narrowed his eyes in annoyance. The two brothers eyed each other, both waiting for the other to break. A dance they had done since they were kids. Earlier Jay had given in, but this time, Will backed down. "Fine. I'll find out if she's still interested. I'm not making any promises though. You were kind of ass that night." Suddenly Will's phone buzzed. "Crap! I've got to jam."

Jay acknowledged that with a nod. "Thanks, Will." He watched his brother take off at a brisk walk back towards the Emergency Department's sliding doors. He let out a deep breath. So, he might have a date this week. He tried to imagine what that might feel like. He had dated a few girls over the last few years in between times when he and Erin had dated. None of them had ever been too serious, since he had known he was pretty hung up on his partner. Now it was different. He didn't have a hope that he and Erin were going to end up together. He had to start looking for someone new. He didn't know if Lily was that girl. He doubted it, but you had to start somewhere.

….

Erin's eyes darted around the crowded restaurant for a moment, before she saw Kim waving her over from a table in the corner. Carefully she wove around the dining room filled with chairs, tables, and waitresses. She shrugged off her jacket and hung it on the back of her chair, before sitting down. She took an elastic band that she had wrapped around her wrist and pulled her hair, which was still damp from her shower, into a messy ponytail.

"Sorry, I'm late. We ran five miles today and it took longer than I had expected."

Kim raised her eyebrows knowingly, "We?" She questioned, although she knew perfectly well who the 'we' Erin had been running with.

Erin shook off the comment, "Knock it off! You know nothing is going on. We are just running."

"Uh hmmm." Kim acknowledged Erin's answer, but hid a smile behind her hand as she studied the menu.

Erin, not fooled, caught her. "Stop it. I've told you before. We are just friends. It is better this way. Trust me. Jay is good right now. He's happy. I want to keep it that way."

Kim threw down the menu and looked at Erin incredulously, "But don't you think the reason he looks happy lately is because he's been spending time with you?"

Erin shook her head no, but allowed the thought to creep into her head. That couldn't be true, could it? "No, all we do is run for a half hour a few days a week. We barely even talk. We just run."

Kim pursed her lips in annoyance. She split her time between Erin and Jay. She worked all day with Jay, working cases, following leads, and learning how to be a detective. He was a good guy, and fun to be around, but he sucked about hiding how he felt about Erin. True, he didn't talk about her, but he was always aware of her. Anytime they were in the squad room and Erin walked in, Kim would notice Jay's posture change slightly. His eyes would watch her movements discreetly.

Erin was no better. When they went to spin class, got a drink together, or just had coffee, Erin would ask subtle questions about Kim's day. Since Kim spent all day with Jay, she ended up talking a lot about Jay. She could tell that Erin ate up every little piece of information about him that she could. Neither of the two were doing a great job of showing indifference.

Erin dropped her head to scan the menu. She muttered quietly, "Kim, he's seeing someone new. I told you that."

Kim gave Erin a doubtful look, "He's never mentioned anything to me." It was true. They'd been partners for over a month now, and despite Erin claiming that Jay had told her he had a new girlfriend, he had never mentioned one. When they casually discuss their weekend plans, Jay never seemed to mention having gone anywhere that sounded date like. He talked about catching games with his brother, hanging with some of his buddies from the academy, or just chilling with Mouse, but a girlfriend never came up.

Erin threw up her hands, "Just stop, please! I'm okay with this. I want Jay to be happy and find someone who makes him happy. Just like I want to be happy."

Kim sighed, "Okay, okay." She gave her a sad smile. "I'm sorry. I just think you guys would be happier together than apart."

Erin shrugged, "We tried. It didn't work."

They paused their conversation as the waitress came by and took their order. After ordering some oatmeal, Kim gave Erin a dirty look when she ordered a large stack of pancakes and a double order of bacon. "I can't believe you are going to eat all that."

Erin laughed, "I'm starving! I ran five miles this morning. I need the fuel."

"You are going to need to run 10 miles a day if you keep eating like that." Kim gave Erin a disgusted look.

"Actually I'm going to need to run 13 miles! Jay convinced me to train for a half marathon with him."

Kim raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Wow! That's intense. You guys are going to have to get serious about this running thing."

Erin nodded, "Yeah. I don't know. He's got a whole training program planned out. Rest days, run days, other stuff, too." She laughed, "He gets like this when he's into something new. He just goes full force into it."

They chit chatted for a few more minutes until their food arrived, and Erin dug in with gusto. Kim watched Erin enviously as she pushed her own oatmeal around in her bowl. "Maybe I should start running with you guys, so I can eat like you."

Kim saw Erin falter for just a sec mid-bite, before turning her attention to Kim. "Yeah, umm, yes. You should come run with us. That's be good." Kim chuckled lightly to herself. Yeah, Erin _really_ wanted Kim tagging on her not-dating running dates.

"Nah, I'm not really a runner. I'm more of a Pilates and yoga kind of girl, with a little bit of spin class thrown in."

Erin gave Kim a quick smile, and dug back into her pancake stack. Kim knew that two of her best friends were destined to get back together. Maybe they needed this time apart to sort a few things out and get their heads on straight, but Kim had no doubt somehow they'd find their way back to each other. Neither was fooling anyone.

 **Author's Note: Thanks for all the positive reviews, readers. It's been so inspiring that I've written a whole bunch of new scenes. Just need to work on stringing them all together. I know some of you might not like some of what is coming up because you want them together ASAP, but I am just not quite ready for them to have their happily ever after just yet. They are going to torture each other awhile longer first.**


	11. Chapter 11

**This is a super long update. I normally don't do chapters quite this long, but I just couldn't find a place I wanted to break it. Consider this a supersized chapter. Enjoy!**

"…..…new longer lasting …. had to discontinue…..the drug trial fell apart."

Jay adjusted slightly in his seat, and he tried to stretch his sore neck, without actually making it too obvious that he was stretching. He blinked rapidly a few times and tried to refocus on what Lily was talking about, but had to stifle a yawn.

Lily stopped talking and raised her eyebrow questioningly. "You….don't care about pharmaceuticals at all do you?"

Realizing he hadn't hid his disinterest as well as he had hoped, he tried to flash her a grin, "If you mean drugs, then yes I do. I just deal more with the suppliers of the illegal variety instead of the legal kind."

She smiled lightly, "Well, I guess it is a fine line between my job and yours. In a different world, I guess you'd be chasing me down and locking me up."

Jay acknowledged her comment with a shrug. He knew she had tried to make the comment sound flirty, but it didn't quite hit its mark. Conversation paused for a moment as the waiter appeared to gather their dishes. After he left, Lily leaned forward with a curious look on her face. "So, you used to have a female partner. What was that like?"

Jay was startled by the question, "Ummm… it was fine, I guess. Why are you asking?"

She gave him an apologetic look, "I just was surprised. I didn't think there were that many female detectives. Did she have problems being taken seriously on the job?"

Jay thought for a second, "Sometimes, but we deal with a lot of scum, and they don't really respect anyone."

Lily shook her head, "No, I mean by other people on the job. I imagine not all guys would want a female partner. Like, maybe they'd think she couldn't do the job as well. Not smart enough, strong enough, you know."

Jay felt some irritation flare up, and he had to defend his partner, "Erin is 100% competent. She's the best partner I ever had. There is no one else I'd ever want to cover my back." They hadn't discussed it, but he assumed Lily recalled the conversation from the night they met about his ex-partner being his ex-girlfriend. He wasn't sure what the point of this line of questioning was.

Her eyes widened in surprise at his strong defense of Erin, "No, that's not what I meant. I was just wondering if she had to deal with a lot of sexist behavior in the police department."

Jay looked at her cautiously, "Well, yeah, I imagine she has. We didn't really talk about it much. She's proven herself in our department, but I imagine that some people probably dismiss her because she's a woman, but they shouldn't. She's great at her job." Truth was colleagues gave him a hard time about having a female partner all the time. Not really any of the guys on their squad, but other officers from other units. As much progress as there had been in recent years for woman on the force, a lot of guys thought they had no business being there. He'd had to talk with more than one guy about shit talking about Erin in the past. She was a good cop, better than a lot of men. He gave her a narrowed eyed look, "Why all the questions about my ex-partner?"

Lily sat back in her chair a thoughtful look on her face, "I'm just curious about women in other male dominated fields. I deal with so many arrogant and chauvinistic doctors in my job, that it can be frustrating." She motioned her to herself, "I don't present as a strong physical presence, so many of these alpha male doctors just dismiss me on sight. It can be tough." She crossed her arms defensively around her waist. "They often times just see me as someone to flirt with and assume because of the blond hair and blue eyes, that I am not that intelligent."

Jay frowned. He had only spent an hour or so with Lily, but it was clear she was smart. Smarter than him when it came to all the science and book stuff. He could tell, just the way she talked about her job, she clearly knew her shit when it came to pharmaceuticals. He had been around enough doctors at Chicago Med, including his own brother, to know that she was right though. Most of the doctors acted like they were God sometimes. It could be annoying and frustrating when you were trying to talk to some suspect. He imagined that it wouldn't be any easier for someone like Lily, trying to do her job.

"I'm sorry," Jay apologized. He wasn't sure what he was apologizing for, maybe for his entire sex?

"Thanks, but I can already tell you aren't a sexist asshole." Lily replied.

Jay laughed, "You can tell that? You barely know me. Maybe I am just hiding it well."

She smiled back at him, "Well, I know she is your ex-girlfriend, but you still talk about your old partner in a very respectful way. I'm guessing that you are pretty much a good guy."

Jay's smile faltered a bit. Now he really did feel like an asshole. After all, he wasn't exactly here tonight because he was truly interested in Lily. It was more as a distraction or to prove a point to himself that he could move on.

He gave Lily an apologetic glance, "I am pretty sure I am committing a major dating faux pas by even talking about my ex-girlfriend on a first date."

Lily acknowledged his comment, but shook her head. "Well, I'm the one who brought her up though." She leaned back a bit in her chair and studied Jay thoughtfully. "You seem like a nice guy. Can I be honest with you?"

A little taken aback by the question, Jay nodded, "Yeah, I generally prefer honesty over lies."

Lily raised her eyebrows a bit and gave him a bit of a doubtful look, "Okay, well. If I am being honest with you, I want to tell you that I am seeing someone right now. Well, kind of."

Jack sucked in a breath. It wasn't that he was into Lily or anything, but he was a little surprised that she was out with him if she was involved with someone else. He stared at her not saying anything. He could tell from the expression on her face, that she wanted to explain a bit more.

"I've been seeing this doctor for about six months. He's a nice guy, not like one of those sexist ones like I mentioned earlier. He listened to me, talked with me, and treated me really respectfully." She lifted her lips into a brief smile as Jay could tell that she was recalling some fond memory. "But I wanted to move forward in our relationship, and he didn't think that was something he could commit to."

Jay felt empathy for Lily. He could see a sad look had drifted across her face. He imagined it was the same look that came across his face whenever he thought about how his and Erin's relationship had fell apart. "Why not?" He asked lightly.

Lily rolled her eyes, "He's a little older, and he says that he is married to his work. Always has been, says he always will be." She shrugged a bit. "He told me I am too young to be tied down to someone that might not ever be ready for marriage or a family. So I walked away, about a week before we met at that bar."

She met Jay's eyes, "He started calling me again this week, and it's just confusing to me. I really thought I was in love with him. Then I thought it was over. Now I don't know what I want. So far I've held out, but I miss him. That's why I said yes to coming out with you tonight. I think to prove to myself that I'm not just sitting around the house waiting for him to come to his senses." She gave a doleful laugh. "Truth is, that is pretty much what I have been doing though." She eyed Jay. "You see like a really nice guy, and I wouldn't want to lead you on, when I am not really looking for something right now."

Jay couldn't help but laugh at the situation. Both of them were lovesick losers dumped by their significant others. If it wasn't so pathetic it would truly be funny. Lily narrowed her eyes at his laughter, "Wasn't really expecting laughter at my sad love life."

Jay shook his head, but kept the smile on his face. "No, I am not laughing at you. Well, not just at you. At both of us." He leaned forward, "Since you have been so honest with me, I am going to return the favor. I may have told my ex that you were my girlfriend about twenty minutes after I met you."

Lily widened her eyes in surprise and let out a little laugh, "Oh."

"Yeah. We were fighting about something stupid that night, and she was just yelling at me and I was frustrated, and just let it fly out. I'm sorry."

Lily shrugged. "It's okay, I guess. I don't know her, so I guess it's no big deal."

Jay nodded, "Yeah, except, now Erin and I have kind of rekindled our friendship, and she still thinks you are and I are dating."

Lily smiled, as she started to realize his problem, "…and you realized that you needed to actually start dating me so that you could continue to say you were dating me."

Jay scrunched up his face as if he was in pain, "Yes. I know. I am an asshole, aren't I?"

"I don't know," Lily replied. "Why do you want her to think we are together?"

Jay eyed her. Lily had been pretty open with her own love life drama, but Jay usually wasn't that revealing about his private life. Even with his friends. Although, maybe it might be easier to talk about it with someone who was completely removed from the situation. "Erin's always had a hard time committing to me. I think she puts the job first, too." His gaze grew thoughtful. "She had a hard year. A good friend of ours was murdered last year, and the killer actually escaped from prison. Erin ended up being the one who killed him. She's had a hard time coming back from all that. Didn't seem to want me to be around while she dealt with it."

Lily's mouth widened in shock as she processed the situation, "Oooh-kay. That makes my issues seem so shallow and stupid."

He leaned forward across the table, changing the tone of his voice. "Here's the thing though. I actually think she has made some progress in dealing with it all since we broke up. She seems different lately. More like the woman I fell in love with two years ago." He threw up his hands in frustration, "It's probably too late for us."

Lily gave him a sympathetic smile, "I am sorry I brought all this up."

Jay shook his head. "Nah, it's cool. I mean. Relationships suck sometimes." He gave her a sad grin, "Actually for us, they seem to suck all the time."

They both sat back quietly, each lost a bit in their own thoughts.

"Wanna go grab a beer?" Lily suddenly asked.

"Huh?" Jay was startled by the question. They had just finished their meal at a pretty nice restaurant. Plus, it was pretty clear that neither were there for the right reasons. Why would she want to go get a drink? He kind of assumed they would just part ways and never talk again.

"Well, clearly, nothing romantic is going to happen between you and I, Jay. You seem like a nice guy, but…we both wish we were here with other people. So, instead of continuing this night as a date, let's go get a beer as friends." She gave him an inviting smile.

Throwing up a hand casually, he answered, "Sure." He actually felt a huge sense of relief wash over him. He wasn't ready to date other women. As much as he knew that he and Erin were over, he really wasn't ready to move on. He needed to time to figure out what exactly had gone wrong before he could move forward with some else. Lily actually seemed like a really nice girl. There wasn't any spark or attraction, but it was kind of nice to talk about it all with someone who didn't feel the need to stay impartial or take sides.

Lily's eyes suddenly lit up, "We could go back to that bar. What was the name? Molly's?" Jay grimaced a bit, and Lily caught the look. "Oh, wait. Will your ex be there?"

Jay thought for a second, then shook his head. "Actually, no. That should be fine. I know she was going to a spin class with my partner Kim."

Lily gave him a strange look. "Your ex-girlfriend who is your ex-partner is out tonight with your current partner?" Jay nodded, and her eyes danced with laughter. "It sounds incestuous."

Jay laughed as he reached for the bill that the waiter had slipped onto the table, "No, but it can be problematic. Let me tell you what happened that night at Molly's when we first met…"

…..

"I can't believe that the instructor was sick." Kim whined as they walked down the sidewalk.

"Well, we could have stayed and done the treadmill or something." Erin countered.

"No, I need someone yelling at me to get my ass going, or I will put no real effort in."

Erin gave Kim a look, "You should have told me that! I would have had no problem yelling at you to get your ass in gear."

Kim grinned at her. "It's not the same."

Erin just laughed as they approached the doors to Molly's. They had met for the eight o'clock spin class as planned, but had been disappointed when they had been told the instructor had called out sick. They'd hung around in the parking lot for almost a half hour talking before agreeing to head over to Molly's to kick back and enjoy a drink. Nights off were so rare in their unit, that they hated to waste it by just going home. Erin pushed open the door to Molly's, and she had barely taken one step forward, before she reversed immediately back out, basically knocking Kim, who had been only a step behind her, down the couple steps that led to the door.

"What the hell, Erin?" Kim yelled, gaining her balance, barely saving herself from taking a tumble onto the sidewalk.

Erin looked at her with panicked eyes, "Jay's in there. With _her!_ "

Kim didn't need any more elaboration to understand the situation. "Do you want to leave?"

Erin's eyes darted around the street corner, as if she was searching for an escape route. "Yes. I want to leave."

Kim nodded, and she put her hand on Erin's back, guiding her towards where they had parked down the street. Erin took two or three more steps before she suddenly came to halt. Kim practically walked into her back.

"Seriously, Erin. You need brake lights."

Erin turned to face Kim, "No. We should go in. I need to be able to do this."

Kim noted the steely set of Erin's jaw and narrowed eyes. "We don't have to do this, Er. He didn't see you, did he?"

Erin shook her head no. "I actually do need to do this. I've said that I am okay with him moving on. Now it's time for me to show it." She gave Kim a wry smile. "If Jay and I are going to be friends, I can't just ignore this part of his life."

Kim looked at her incredulously, "You want to go meet her?"

"Hell, no!" Erin shot back. "But I can go have drink in the same bar as her." Erin took off towards the door, with Kim once again trailing behind her. She forcefully pushed open the door, but averted her eyes instantly as she entered. She flipped a quick turn as soon as she was through the door and was thankful that the first table right inside the entryway was empty. She dropped into the nearest chair with her back to the bar. Despite her quick movements, she had caught another glimpse of the girl whose image had been burned into her head for almost a month. She wasn't sure of her name, but she'd recognize her anywhere. Long curled blonde hair, big eyes, pretty face, and a slight frame. She'd only caught the back of Jay's head, but of course, she'd known it was him. She's followed him through enough doors, that she could distinguish his features in any crowd. Even from behind in a darkened bar.

At a slightly slower pace, Kim slid into the seat across from her. She surveyed the expression on Erin's face. "Are you sure about this?" She cautiously questioned. Erin nodded quickly, but Kim could see the uncertainty in her eyes. "You stay here. I'll go get us some beers."

Kim slowly made her way to the bar. Since the girl didn't know who Kim was, she was able to study her without any recognition. She was surprised that this was the kind of girl Jay would go for. She seemed so…dainty. She looked like the kind of girl who would be at a lady's tea brunch, not at a cop and fire bar. Having only known Jay with Erin, Kim always assumed he was into girls with a little more substance to them. Erin was so tough and kick ass, whereas this girl looked like a strong wind would blow her over.

While Erin could get away with avoiding Jay, Kim knew as his partner, she had no excuse to not at least say hello to him. She slid up to the bar next to the couple, behind his date. She motioned for Herman, who was at the other end of the bar, then swung her gaze over the head of his date and locked eyes with Jay. "Hey, partner," she casually greeted him.

Kim almost laughed at the immediate look of panic that overtook his face. He instantly craned his neck to search the bar for who he knew would be accompanying Kim. His body froze the second he spotted Erin by the door. He slid his eyes back towards Kim with an accusing look, "You were supposed to be going to work out tonight."

Kim raised her eyebrows, "Plans change." She wiggled her eyebrows a bit and jutted her head towards Lily in a silently request at an introduction.

Jay stared hard at Kim for a few moments, before mumbling a greeting, "Kim this is Lily. Lily, this is my partner, Kim."

Lily turned in her seat so she was facing Kim, "Oh, I've heard so much about you. Jay says you are so much fun to work with." She extended her hand in greeting, and Kim shook it reluctantly. She was surprised by the firm handshake, and offered Lily a small smile.

"Nice to meet you." She smiled back, feeling like she was betraying Erin by even being polite to the girl.

Lily glanced between Jay and Kim quickly, "So, Kim, what's it like working with Jay? He says he's like your trainer."

Kim snorted a bit, and Jay gave her annoyed look, "You know what I mean."

Kim rolled her eyes, "Yeah, he's fun to work with. I've got tons of stories to embarrass him about when you have the time."

"You do not!" Jay interjected. Kim just laughed and turned to give her order to Herman who had finally made his way towards their end of the bar. When she turned back towards Jay, he was staring at her intensely. He shook his head a little, and she saw him dart a quick glance over his shoulder to where Erin sat alone at the corner table. He looked back at Kim, she could see the stress in his expression. Kim noticed Lily watching the scene unfolding in front of her with interest, and while Kim didn't mind making Jay feel a little uncomfortable, he was still her partner.

She threw a fake smile at the couple. "Did you two drive over here together?"

Lily's brow furrowed in concern, "Nooo, why?"

"Cause Jay is a horrible driver!" Kim laughed at the outraged look on Jay's face. "You should never let him drive you anywhere. He's been known to get out of a car without even remembering to put in park."

Jay objected, "One time. It happened one time. Jeeze…you can never live things down around here."

Herman arrived with two shots and two bottles of beer for Kim, "Thanks, Herman," she called out. She turned back to Jay and Lily. "Have a nice night, you two." Directing her gaze toward Lily, "It was nice to meet you. I'll make sure to share a few juicy stories next time we meet." She then turned and made her way to the table where Erin sat.

Jay watched her go, his eyes fixed on the back of Erin. He could see her playing on her phone as she waited for Kim. She looked up as Kim arrived and place their drinks on the table. He kept his gaze fixed on the two while they toasted and took their shots. Kim said something that had Erin laughing. His heart flipped a bit as Erin's distinctly husky laugh floated across the noise of the bar and reached his ears. He had to force himself to turn away. As he did, he found himself eye to eye with a very amused looking Lily. He cringed a bit, "Ahh, sorry about that."

Lily chuckled, "Oh, its fine. Trust me. I was just sitting here thinking about what I would do if my ex showed up here while I was out with you. Your reaction is a thousand times more rational than I am sure I would be."

Jay gave her a doubtful look.

"No, seriously, I'd probably either burst into tears or yell and scream at him."

Jay sighed, "Secretly I probably want to do both."

She shook her head, "Well, you are showing great restraint then." She leaned forward letting her voice fall to a whisper, "I guess Molly's was a bad idea."

Darting another quick look over his shoulder, Jay shrugged. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. We are friends. We work together. We have the same friends in common. We hang out in the same places." His eyes grew sad, "We can't pretend that neither of us is going to ever see other people again. I'm just not sure what I should do right now. Do I go say hello, or ignore her?"

Lily bit her lip thoughtfully, "I think that we sit here for about ten minutes and finish our beer. Then I think you should grab my hand and walk me to my car. After that…it's up to you. You can go home, or you come back in and hang with your partner and your weird ex-partner, ex-girlfriend, ex-friend, but now friend again friend."

Jay laughed at her moniker for Erin. He eyed Lily with a smile, "I like you Lily. You're a cool chick."

Lily threw up her hands in agreement, "I know! Now why can't my stupid ex figure that out?"

"Cause we are guys, and we are idiots?" The two shared laughter as they finished off their beers.

…

"I can hear him laughing." Erin pointedly said to Kim. Her body was tense, and all her senses were firmly fixed on the scene occurring across the bar. She didn't need to turn around to know what was happening. Jay had an infectious laugh, and he always was able to get those around him to join in some sort of joke.

Kim glanced around Erin, and acknowledged that Jay was indeed laughing. She looked back at Erin and noted the dejected look on Erin's face. "Does this mean you will stop pretending you are fine with how things are between you and Jay?"

Erin meet her eyes, and Kim's heart sank at the look of utter heartbreak that was evident in Erin's eyes. "I'm sorry, Erin. I didn't mean to upset you."

Erin blinked away the tears that were threatening, "It's okay. I mean, it's not you. It's just… it's not even him. It's just… it's just that…I'm sad." She shrugged. "I want to be the one that he's with. I want to be the girl that he shares his laughter with. I know that it's for the best that we aren't together. I was hurting him, and that wasn't fair to him. But I can't help it. I'm jealous." She lifted her beer and took a long sip, relishing the burn as the liquid ran down her throat.

Kim studied the open vulnerability on Erin's face, "I understand. You know I do." Erin nodded, acknowledging that Kim had been dealing with her own heartbreak lately. "If it makes you feel better, I don't think they are too serious."

Erin slanted her eyes in Kim's direction, "Why do you say that? They've been together for almost a month. That's kind of serious."

"I don't know," Kim scrunched up her face in thought, "It was weird. They seemed like they were just getting to know each other." She laughed it off, "It almost had that awkward first date feel." Suddenly she sat up straight, "Don't look, but they are headed this way."

Erin stiffened and stared intently down at her beer. She heard his low voice call out, "Good night." Involuntarily, her eyes lifted towards the sound. He was holding the door open as his date walked out, his head turned toward their table a tight smile on his face. For just a split second their eyes met. Erin knew she wasn't hiding her emotions very well when she saw the smile fall from his face, and his eyes softened in sadness and remorse. She could see him sigh her name, "Erin?"

She quickly shook her head at him, "G'night" she called out. She willed him with her eyes to leave. She could sense the hesitation in him, before he gave a sharp nod and disappeared out into the dark Chicago night.

…..

Erin shifted her car into park, and turned the key in the ignition to off. She let her head drop back on the head rest, and she closed her eyes in exhaustion. She was emotionally drained. After Jay had left, Kim and Erin had both discussed their exes at length. She was getting tired of talking about Jay though. It was time for her to just be done with it all. Talking and rehashing the same old events over and over was just emotional torture. She'd felt like she was making such progress in recent weeks with her talks with Dr. Charles and making positive choices in her personal life. It was disheartening that just a few moments in bar could derail all that.

She took a deep breath and opened her car door, then reached around in the back seat to grab her bag. As she straightened outside her car, she was startled by the sudden quick approach of someone behind her. Realizing she had made an atypical error of not being aware of her surroundings, she quickly attacked. She swung her bag into where she judged was the assailant's face, then gave him a hard elbow to the stomach.

"Argh," she heard a familiar voice groan, followed by a pain filled, "What the hell, Erin?"

Turing to face her would-be attacker, she came face to face with Jay. Actually it was more like face to top of head, since he was bent over at the waist, nursing the area where her elbow had made intimate contact with his stomach.

"Jay!" she gasped. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. I thought it was a mugger or something."

Jay looked up at her, "I was parked two spots down from you. How could you miss my car? I was worried when you didn't get out of your car. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Remembering the events of the evening, Erin averted her eyes, "I'm fine. I was just distracted." She didn't want to have this conversation with Jay tonight. Actually, she never wanted to have this conversation. She was done talking about it all.

Jay took a side step and angled his head to try and catch her eye. She resisted his effort and looked away. Jay let out a groan of frustration, grabbed her chin with his hand, and held it in place. He gently lifted it until their eyes met. "I'm fine." She repeated stubbornly.

"I would have never gone there if I thought there was a chance you'd be there, Erin. I don't want you mad at me." The look in Jay's eyes was apologetic, and Erin knew that he was being truthful. He really had no intention of throwing another woman in her face. As difficult as it was to know he had moved on, Erin knew he was not a vengeful guy. He wasn't the type of guy to rub something in her face.

"I'm not mad. I'm fine." She repeated one more time, her voice softer this time. His eyes bore into hers, as his hand continued to gently hold her face to meet his eyes. She relished the contact of his hand on her face, as much as she also wished he would let her go.

His eyes searched hers, and Erin had never felt more vulnerable. She felt he could see past her words, and read the truth in her heart. His voice was low when he finally spoke, "Then why do you look so sad."

Without warning, his hand slid around to grasp her neck, and the other reached to cup her cheek. His lips descended to hers, and Erin was powerless to fight it. The contact was electrifying. Their lips fused together in desperation. Weeks of emotion were poured into the kiss, as their lips and tongues met and danced. Jay's hands tangled in Erin's hair, holding her close and still as his lips devoured hers. Erin's hands at first just gripped Jay's shoulders, needing his strong weight to anchor her. Then, unable to resist touching him, her hands soon wandered along the firm planes of his shoulders and chest. Seconds turned to minutes until the need to breathe overtook them both. They broke apart, Jay leaning his forehead against hers, both breathing heavily, eyes closed.

"Why do you have this effect on me?" He whispered softly.

Anger flared into Erin, and she jerked away. Startled by her sudden movement, he released her from his embrace. "What's that supposed to mean?" She snapped. Was he blaming her for this? He was the one who had come to her. He was the one who kissed her!

Confused at her anger, Jay stuttered, "N-nothing. I just can't seem to stay away from you. I don't know what's wrong with me." He took a step back trying to put some distance between them to diffuse the situation. He really had only intended to come to tell Erin that he was sorry he'd been at Molly's with Lily. He had never imagined she would show up. While he had expected to see her eyes flare with anger, it was the sadness in them that had ripped his heart to shreds. As he had walked out the door of Molly's, Erin had looked at him with just such utter heartbreak, that he didn't even know what to do. He'd walked Lily to her car, then debated going back into Molly's or heading to Erin's to wait for her there. Not really wanting to also deal with the ire of his partner, he had opted for Erin's apartment.

When she had finally arrived, the sadness in her eyes had not yet dissipated. Combined with his mixed feelings over their recent closeness, he had just been so overwhelmed with emotion. Looking into her eyes, he had just needed to kiss her. He had wanted to feel that connection once again, despite all their troubles, their fights, and their disappointments.

Needing to break the spell, Jay took a few more steps back. Erin leaned against her car and crossed her arms defensively. "You can't just kiss me, Jay!"

"I know! I know! You just looked so sad." His own eyes held quite a bit of sadness as well. Erin thought she could see a bit of guilt flash in there, too.

Erin looked away in disgust, more at herself than at Jay, "I don't need you to kiss me because I'm sad, Jay. I'm a big girl and can handle this."

"Erin…" Jay began.

"I think you should go," Erin countered. She bent down and began to gather up her belongings that had spilled out of her purse when she had swung it at Jay's face. He silently bent and helped her. As he handed a few items to her, their hands brushed. Erin felt the heat from his touch, and she bristled at her body's betrayal. Standing up quickly, she stuffed everything into her bag. She turned to walk towards her apartment.

Jay reached out and touched her arm, preventing her escape, "I don't want things to be weird between us again."

Erin schooled her face into bland look, trying to hide the rampant emotions that had controlled her all evening, "It won't be. Today was just us being emotional. Getting lost in the past for a moment. We slipped. It happens." She gave him a quick glance. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Running?"

Erin faltered for a second. They were supposed to meet the next morning. A mere seven hours from now. "Umm, yeah. I'll see you at seven." She ducked her head, and she pulled away from his grasp. Jay let her go. He watched as she disappeared into her building. He let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. He had thought it was impossible that their train wreck of a relationship could become more complicated, but somehow it had. Where were they supposed to go from here?

 **Hope you liked this chapter! Thanks for all the recent reviews. I've been having so much fun writing these scenes. Especially with the show on break for this month. I need my doses of Linstead. Thanks for reading and thanks to those who take them time to write a review or PM me.**


	12. Chapter 12

"I'm just over being sad! I need you to tell me how to _not_ be sad anymore!" Erin stated angrily to Dr. Charles. She paced his small office and the plopped herself down on the couch crossing her arms in anger.

His demeanor remained calm as he took in her anger. "You don't really seem so sad right now. You seem more… mad than sad?"

Erin narrowed her eyes at the doc, not caring that he was a medical professional. She was irritated that he just didn't understand. "I'm _mad_ about being _sad_!"

"Oh!" Dr. Charles replied nodding as if it was all so clear to him now.

Erin studied him, unsure if he really understood what she meant or if he was just mocking her. "So fix it! Fix me! Tell me what to do so I am not this sad person that I hate! I have never been like this before. I mean, sure when Nadia died I was sad and grieving, but this…this is…just depressing! I just mope around the house. Mope around work. I know I give off this depressed vibe whenever I am out with my friends. And Jay…" Erin paused for a bit as she thought about how Jay looked at her. His beautiful blue eyes looking at her with remorse, disappointment, and a myriad of other emotions. "He just looks at me like it's so pathetic that I am still pining away for him."

Dr. Charles leveled his eyes at her in that studious way that he had, "Just to clarify, but is all this sadness still as a result of your break up with Jay?"

Erin nodded vehemently.

"But…correct me if I'm wrong, but for a few weeks things were better. You and Jay were getting along again. You mentioned training for a marathon or something?" Erin gave a slight nod, but kind of averted her eyes. "Did something happen?"

Despite her vow that she didn't want to talk about Jay anymore, she knew that Dr. Charles wouldn't likely let her get away with not discussing the person that he very well knew was at the root of some of her issues.

Erin sighed, "Yeah, we kind of got into it the other night."

"About your break up?"

Erin shook her head, "Not really. It was just more about… I don't know…about him not kissing me anymore?" She looked away in embarrassment.

The doctor raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Him kissing you. That's a problem?"

"Yes!" Erin replied angrily, "He has a new girlfriend! He can't go around and kiss me when he has some other girl that he is dating."

"Ahhhh…" Dr. Charles is starting to understand a bit more clearly what the issues was. "So, let me get this straight. He has somebody new, but is still trying to… engage in a relationship with you."

Erin's brow furrowed as she thought about that comment. "Well, I guess so. I mean, I know he is dating this other girl, but I do know that he still has feelings for me." She gave the doctor a frustrated look. "I mean, things are over between us, but we just still have this… chemistry."

"Sexual attraction?" Dr. Charles questioned bluntly.

Erin blushed a bit, "Yes, we have that, but no, that's not what I meant." She sighed as she tried to put it into words. "It's like it doesn't matter if we are fighting. It doesn't matter if we are apart, we just still know what the other one needs. We just have the same sense of humor, enjoy the same things. We know how to be there for each other. When we decide to set all the relationship drama aside, we can instantly be back to being best friends again. And then, yeah, there's the attraction, too. When we get too close, too much in each other's space, it's hard to resist. It's always there."

Dr. Charles looked at her thoughtfully, "Do you want to be back in a relationship with Jay?" He carefully proposed the question.

Erin blinked a few times as she looked at him. She tried to pretend that this was something she had to think about. As if she didn't already know the answer to that question. As if she didn't go back to her actions two months and regret them every day. Instead of pushing him away, she would pull him close and never let go. That she would let him love her and learn to show and share her love with him. Her voice was small when she answered him, "Yes."

"Do you think Jay wants to be back in a relationship with you?"

Erin's mind spun with thoughts of Jay. She imagined Jay laughing at her as she lay collapsed on the park bench after their run. She sees Jay making faces at her behind Ruzek's back as their colleague makes some dumb comment. The image of Jay's new girlfriend flashes though her mind, before being replaced by the memory of Jay pulling her to him and kissing her last night. Then the image transforms into a vision of Jay kissing someone else.

She tries to make her voice void of emotion, "He has a new girlfriend."

"Yet he is still kissing you." Dr. Charles quickly responds.

Erin remembers the passion that quickly overtook them when they kissed. It felt amazing. Their connection instant. Erin shook off the memory, "It doesn't matter anymore. I am moving on. Am I ready to date other guys?" She looked at Dr. Charles expectantly.

He gave her a confused look. "Are you asking me for permission?"

She kind of shrugged a bit, "Well, kind of. Do you think I am in the right state of mind to date? Or am I just going to screw up whoever I date now, too?"

"I think that's only something that you can decide."

"Then I am. I am ready to date. I'm done being sad. I am going to date someone new. One way or another, I _am_ going to be happy."

….

Jay leaned against the fridge and mindlessly allowed his eyes to follow the countdown on the microwave as it approached zero. Once it beeped, he popped the door open and pulled out his leftover Chinese food. Finding the container hotter than he expected, he juggled it lightly in his hands as he made his way to the table. Sitting down, he started to eat his lunch. Most of the team was out for the day investigating their most recent case. He and Burgess had spent the morning reviewing tapes with Mouse. He was glad for the quiet of the break room, which allowed him to be alone with his thoughts. He'd had a lot on his mind over the last four days since the weekend.

He had kissed Erin.

He hadn't been drunk. She hadn't been drunk. He had just kissed her. She had kissed him back. For those few minutes, all the pain and heartbreak of the last few months once again had disappeared. For a moment, he had thought that maybe it would be the moment. The moment when things stopped being so difficult and they just found each other again. But it hadn't been. Erin had walked away. Calling it a slip up. She'd walked away like she usually did. Uninterested in figuring out what it would take for them to work. Not willing to fight for what she wanted. Not wanting to fight for him.

Burgess walked into the breakroom carrying a clipboard, twirling a pen in her hand. "Okay, Atwater says he needs everybody's plus ones today if we want to get onto the VIP list. Actual names, annnd…. If you are not going to use your plus one, I am taking it. I've got a group of girlfriends who are dying over the fact that I am getting into the club for this concert, let alone into the VIP section. Olinsky said I could have his spot and his plus one, but Dawson and Erin both are using theirs."

Jay's eyes flew up from where he had been studying his chow mien, "Wait! What? Who is Erin's plus one?"

Kim looked at Jay, startled. "Umm, no one," she lamely answered, realizing she had made a grave error. Instinctively, her hand slid toward the clipboard that she had placed on the table in between them.

Jay was too fast though, and slammed his hand down on the board and jerked it out of her hands before she could firmly grasp it. Kim leaned across the table to try and grab it to no avail. Jay held it out of her reach easily, angling it so he could read the list of names.

"Who the fuck is Nick West?" he practically bellowed.

Kim stood up and yanked the clipboard out of Jay's hands. Since he already had the information he needed, he let her grab it back. "He's none of your business."

His eyes blazed, "Who is he, Kim?"

"Stay out my love life! Weren't those your words? I'm staying out of this as requested!"

He looked at her imploringly, "You're supposed to be _my_ partner!"

"She's _my_ friend!"

He gave her his most desperate look. His blue eyes pleading. Kim rolled her eyes, "Does that look actually work on women? You look pathetic."

Jay sighed in frustration, "Come on. Who is this Nick West? Just give me something, Kim. It's not like you don't share things about me with Erin." Jay needed to know who this guy was. How had Erin met him? Who was he? Were they involved?

Kim thought about the situation. She still firmly believed that Erin and Jay needed to work things out. She knew sometimes that two people who loved each other couldn't make it work. Adam and her were proof of that, but when she looked at Jay and Erin, she saw two people that she thought could make it work. They just seemed so right for each other. She understood that Jay was hurt by Erin, but she thought it was time he forgave her and gave Erin a second chance. She knew despite her words, that Erin wanted to be with Jay again, despite her current actions. Maybe telling him what was going on would get these two idiots to figure things out.

"Okay, but do not repeat this to Erin. I can't have you going off half-cocked on her because of what I tell you." Jay nods in agreement, his body tense as he prepares himself for the information. "So, I guess seeing you out with Lily on Friday night, just kind of spurred her to move on too. She met some guy on Monday night at the gym, and they got coffee the next day. She mentioned the club concert Saturday night, and invited him as her date. That's it. End of story."

Jay had a suspicion that it was more likely him kissing her the other night that might have spurred Erin to find someone new to date, but if Kim didn't know about that incident, then Jay certainly wasn't going to bring it up. He sat angrily in his seat staring hard at the clipboard that now was back in Kim's hands. He didn't know how to feel about this new development. He couldn't blame Erin, but it still bothered him. A part of him had hoped that when Erin finally felt ready to get back out there, that she'd seek him out. That they'd figure out what went wrong. After all, he thought he had made it pretty clear that he still cared about her. Even the other night when he kissed her. He thought that it was pretty clear he still wanted her, wanted to be with her, but apparently Erin wasn't looking to fix the past. She was looking forward…to someone new.

Trying to end the awkward silence, Kim spun her pen around before tapping it on the clipboard. "So….are you coming to the concert?" There was some doubt in her voice, as if she was questioning whether or not he'd actually want to be there now that he knew that Erin was going to be there with someone else.

Jay narrowed his eyes, "Yes. I'm in." He was definitely going to get a look at this Nick West.

Kim scribbled something on her clipboard. "Okay, then I just need Lily's last name, so I can put her down as your plus one." She looked up at Jay expectantly.

Jay gave her a slightly surprised look.

Kim stared back at him. "You _are_ bringing Lily, right? Or Will?" She questioned.

Jay just stared blankly at her, then he shook his head, "Umm, yeah, Lily is fine. Lily is good. I didn't ask her yet, but I'm sure its fine."

Kim laughed at his off behavior, "Okay, so I just need her last name. Atwater says the VIP list needs full names." Her pen hoovered over the paper on her clipboard, eyes looking expectantly at him.

Once again, Jay just stared blankly at her. Kim tapped her pen on the paper again to try and get his attention, "Jay….last name….Lily?"

An embarrassed look crossed Jay's face, "Ummm…"

"Jay! You _do_ know your girlfriend's last name?" A flush crept up Jay's face, and he searched his mind for the missing piece of information.

"Jay! What the hell is going on?" Kim slammed her hand on the table causing Jay to jump.

Jay gave Kim a look. He knew that sharing this information with Kim could lead to all sorts of trouble for him. "Yeah, I just…I'm drawing a blank, but…um…I think its…." He ran his hand through his hair as he tried to think of a way out of this situation. "I think its…"

"Liar! Don't lie to me, Jay!" Kim glared at him, and she began to put the pieces together. Jay never mentioning that he was dating anyone. Jay still being clearly hung up on Erin. The first date awkwardness between Lily and Jay the night Kim talked to them at Molly's. She shook her head at Jay as she realized the truth, "You are not even dating Lily, are you? Is that even that girl's name."

"Yes!" Jay exclaimed, scrubbing his hands across his face as he realized his half-truths were about to all be revealed. "Her name is Lily."

"And….what exactly is your relationship status with her?" Kim demanded. Jay realized that Kim's interrogation techniques had really improved in the last month. She had a tone to her voice that made her sound like an elementary school principal. You kind of felt obligated to tell her the truth, or she might call your parents.

Jay gave evasion one more chance. "We have gone out on a date or two."

Catching onto the word choice, Kim countered, "Well what is it? One date or two?" Her eyes bore into his.

Jay let out a deflated sigh, "One." He closed his eyes to avoid the onslaught he knew was coming.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Kim practically jumped out of her chair. Her mind racing. "Wait. So that night at Molly's when I met her that was your first date? Oh, Jeez." She slumped back in her chair shaking her head in disgust.

"Not even a real date," Jay mumbled. When Kim just raised her eyebrows for clarification, Jay continued. "We both decided right away that we'd be better off as friends. She's got an ex that she is dealing with, too." Jay gritted his teeth in frustration. He should have known this was all going to blow up in his face eventually. He wished he could go back to that moment at Molly's when Erin was accusing him of hooking up with Kim. Instead of just erupting at her and yelling that he was sleeping with Lily, he should have just gone with the truth. There was no way he was sleeping with anyone else because he was still in love with her.

"Why? Why do all this? Why lie to Erin like this?" Kim let some of her anger go and just tried to understand why Jay would go to such extremes to make Erin think he had a girlfriend.

Jay shrugged, "It didn't start out that way. We were arguing and it just came out." He gave Kim a bitter look, "Recall that this was the same night she accused me and you of hooking up in the locker room. I was pissed at her. I've been in love with her for two years and she dumped me. Then accuses me of being a heartless bastard and screwing her friend." Jay felt himself getting heated all over again. "Maybe I did want to hurt her."

Kim gave him a look that had a bit of sympathy, "But Jay, that was months ago. Why keep the charade going?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. I didn't even realize she thought I was dating someone until last week. I actually thought," he paused and shook his head. He'd actually thought they were making their way back to one another. That starting back as friends was the first step towards getting back to where they once were. He shook his head, "It doesn't matter what I thought."

Jay pushed himself up from the chair. He grabbed his forgotten lunch and walked toward the door, dumping the container into the trashcan as he passed. He paused briefly at the exit, giving Kim a quick glance over his shoulder. "I'll get you Lily's last name by the end of shift."

 **Author's Note: As always, thanks for reading. This is officially the longest story I have ever written, and I still have a lot more story to tell! So excited for all of you who are joining me along the way. I have some fun scenes planned for the 'club concert' coming up. I just can't decide if Kim is the kind of friend who would tell Erin or not. Any input, readers? Review or PM me you thoughts, comments, or questions. I love hearing from my readers.**


	13. Chapter 13

Erin smoothed her form fitting green dress over her hips uncomfortably. She really wasn't a heels and skimpy dress kind of girl, but the club was trendy and stylish, and she was on a first date. She had decided to go all out and do the hair and make-up thing as well as buy a new dress. She stopped by a fashion boutique near her house that she'd driven by daily, but never gone into. At first the hip girls working the store had kind of looked at her as if she were in the wrong location. She had quickly explained her situation, and the salesgirls had been excited about finding her the perfect look. She had ridden their wave of enthusiasm and purchased the emerald green scrap of fabric that called itself a dress. If the way Nick's eyes had roamed her body appreciatively when they had met up at the door of the club was anything to judge by, she had picked a winning outfit. However, she felt exposed with so much leg and skin showing. She'd give anything to have her boots, jeans, and holster back.

Nick cleaned up well, too. Previously, she'd only seen him gym clothes. They'd talked a bit Monday night during their work out. Then she'd met him for a quick coffee on Tuesday. He'd been coming from the gym again that day. Tonight he had arrived wearing a slick button down shirt and slacks. His dark hair styled and face clean shaven. He looked as if he could be on the cover of a magazine, or the hero of an action movie. Erin was pleased, and couldn't deny she was attracted to him. Tall, classic features, with dark brown hair, there was nothing that wasn't gorgeous about him. She'd been kind of surprised when he'd approached her at the gym. She didn't usually attract the GQ type. He'd been charming and funny though, and following her new motto, she had said yes when he'd asked if she wanted to meet for coffee the next day.

Their coffee date had been pretty relaxing. She had been able to get to know a little about him. Nick was in marketing and seemed to work heavily in social media. He was quite the talker, and there was rarely a lull in the conversation. Although, Erin had to admit that he talked a lot about himself, his friends, his family, and his job. Erin didn't mind that much though. It was always awkward when people asked about her family and childhood. While many were fascinated by her job, she usually played it down with people she just met. The dark cases her team worked week in and week out were usually not appropriate coffee bar topics. She usually tried to keep murder, abuse, and crime out of first date conversations.

The coffee date had gone well, and it seemed natural to invite him as her plus one to the concert. It wasn't until she was back at work later that morning that she realized the awkwardness it might entail. Her and Jay both on dates at the same event. It was going to be interesting. A part of Erin was excited to move forward. She kept telling everyone and herself that Jay had moved on and she was happy for him. It was time for her to start believing it. Being excited about her own date was a step in the right direction.

Still, Erin had been unsettled by Jay's kiss the other night. She had not expected to see Jay after they had bumped into him at Molly's. She had assumed he and girlfriend would have ended the night the way Jay and Erin had always ended their nights, wrapped up in each other. Instead, it seemed he had dropped her off, and then gone and waited outside Erin's apartment. When he had shown up apologizing for being out at Molly's, Erin had been so confused. She wanted to be mad at him. She wanted be annoyed with him, but she couldn't. He had looked so sad and worried…about her. What kind of guy worries about how his ex-girlfriend will feel about seeing him with a new girl. Most could careless, or might flaunt it. Not Jay. His blue eyes had looked at her with such caring and understanding like they always did. Those damn expressive eyes. They got her every time.

Before she had even realized what was happening, they had been lost in each other. His lips had stolen her breath, and she had felt so connected once again to Jay. She still remembered how her heart had thumped its rapid pace against her chest, and her fingers had curled into his shirt as he'd pulled her close. Then the contact had been broken. She didn't remember much of what she had said after. She just remembered that she had needed to escape. If she hadn't gotten away quickly, she probably would have burst into tears and begged for him to take her back.

Not being a coward, she had still shown up for running the next day, but their work out had been tense. Little conversation had taken place, and they both had just focused on their pace. Once Jay had tried to bring up the night before, but Erin had shut him down quickly. It had been a mistake, and if they wanted to salvage their friendship, the needed to keep it from happening again. Already Erin was dreading seeing him and his girlfriend tonight. Knowing that she kissed some other girl's boyfriend made Erin so uncomfortable. She'd never been that type of girl. It didn't matter that it was her ex and they had some obviously unresolved issues. It still didn't make the situation acceptable. They'd only been dating about a month. Maybe they weren't exclusive yet?

It really hadn't mattered when she'd seen them arrive. Jay had held the girl's hand as he'd walked her through the crowded dance floor to the VIP area. Lily. That was her name. She'd heard the name slip out when Kim was talking to Antonio about who was coming tonight. It was a pretty name, and it suited her. She was delicate and lovely looking like a flower. Erin hated flowers. They seemed like stupid gifts to give as romantic gestures. Why would you give someone something that would die in a week? Was that supposed to represent the future of the relationship? Love is fleeting and then it dies? As Jay had led Lily through the crowd, Erin had the fleeting thought that she hoped their love would die soon.

Erin was thankful that Jay and Lily had chosen to sit at one of the couches that sat back from the railing. Erin and Nick, on the other hand, stood on the edge of the VIP section. From their vantage point they could look down upon the rest of the club and watch the club-goers move and sway to the music the DJ was pumping out before the concert began. As long as she didn't look behind her, she could try and forget that they were back there. Kissing, holding hands, or whatever they might be doing. Erin's imagination was running wild, and try as she might, she couldn't keep from stealing quick glances over her shoulder.

Every time she looked, she was surprised to see that Jay's attention was wholly focused on her. Slumped back on the couch, his eyes glared in her direction every time she looked his way. It was making her very uncomfortable, and she wasn't quite sure what to do. Nick hadn't noticed yet, but it was only a matter of time. Explaining that you were friends with your ex was one thing, bringing him along on a first date was probably a major mistake. Erin glanced around the VIP lounge for where Jay's girlfriend might be. She located her at the private bar being chatted up by Ruzek. Jay didn't seem to be aware or even care.

Across the area, she noticed Kim standing with the group of girlfriends she had brought. Kim was in the midst of the group, but her eyes were narrowed in on Erin and Jay. Her attention flitting back and forth between the two. Erin gave Kim a shrug. She didn't know what Jay's problem was. Kim just rolled her eyes.

….

Lily slid onto the couch next to Jay and placed the two drinks she carried onto the low table that was in front of them. Jay barely gave her a glance.

"I know this isn't a real date, Jay, but since I know nobody here, it'd be kind of nice if the guy who brought me here actual talked to me."

Jay gave Lily a sideways look, but reluctantly pulled his gaze from the scene that had been playing out in front of him. Across the lounge, at the low wall that separated the raised VIP section from the rest of the club, Erin and her date, Nick West, stood talking and moving to the music. Their heads were close together, as they talked, needing to lean in close to be heard over the thumping music from the music playing down below.

Jay hated Nick West with a passion. Jay could acknowledge that the guy was what most women would say was good looking. Tall, even in comparison to Jay, dark haired, and athletic looking. And handsy. Extremely handsy. Every time Jay glanced their way, he was touching Erin. On the arm, on the back, brushing his hand along her hair or cheek, nudging her with his shoulder. Cupping her face as he leaned in to say something in her ear. He was about ten seconds from stalking over there and throwing the guy over the side of the wall. It was only about an eight foot drop and he doubted Nick West would be hurt, but Jay was certain he'd feel better after.

Noticing he had once again began to stare down the couple at the railing, Lily tapped him on the arm. "You've got to stop throwing daggers at Erin and her date. You are being really obvious." Lily advised him.

Jay shrugged his shoulders in agitation, "I don't care." He really didn't. Maybe if he stared long enough, Erin would get uncomfortable and just leave. Not that he wanted her to leave with Nick. He just wanted one or the other gone. He wanted these feelings gone.

Lily gave him an exasperated look. "You should just go and talk to her."

He snorted in annoyance. "No, she made her choice. I have nothing to say to her." He'd been pissed for the last two days since he'd realized Erin was dating this Nick West. He just somehow felt so betrayed by her. It didn't matter if he wasn't being rational. It didn't matter if he was dating or pretending to be dating, whatever. He still didn't like it.

Yesterday they'd met to run as usual. Looking for an outlet for his annoyance, he had set a blistering pace that was meant to push Erin beyond her capabilities. But Erin was not one to look away from a challenge. She had pushed herself and pushed herself to keep up with Jay. She had succeeded, but just barely. Jay had known he was being immature in trying to punish her, but he couldn't help himself. His emotions seemed to be just beyond his control this week. He thought Erin knew exactly what was going on, too. She had given him a dirty look, but kept her mouth quiet. It seemed she didn't want to talk about what was going on beneath the surface of their friendship either.

Lily let out a frustrated sigh, "You are just as annoying as my ex. You want her, but you don't want to be with her. You want her to be alone, but you don't want her to think that you are alone. Have you ever heard of sending mixed messages?"

Reaching for the drink Lily had placed on the glass table in front of them, Jay lifted it and drained it in one long gulp. He gave one more glance at Erin and her date before focusing his attention on Lily, his voice was contrite. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have invited you. I was kind of caught off guard when I found out she was bring a date and panicked. I didn't mean to put you into an uncomfortable situation."

Lily gave him a brief smile, "It's okay. I mean, it doesn't bother me that you are into her. I just think that if she knew that you and I weren't really dating, that we were just friends, she might…I don't know. Maybe she wouldn't be here with him." She eyed Jay seriously. "That is what you want, right? You want her back."

Jay gave her a miserable look. He gave one more glance at Erin and her date. Nick had his hand resting on the small of Erin's back. Jay narrowed his eyes as he tried to decide if Nick's had was sliding any farther south. Suddenly, he noticed Erin's face glance his way. She tilted her head questioningly at Jay's intense look. Jay quickly turned back to Lily, his eyes burning, "Yeah. I want her back."

Lily nodded in satisfaction. "I knew it." She studied him for a quick moment, before leaning forward and taking both his hands in hers. She leaned close and looked straight into his eyes. "Jay, I know we don't know each other very well. I am hoping after this we can still be friends. But I promise you, I am doing this because I think it is the best thing for you." Without warning, she pulled back and slapped him across the cheek. Hard. Jumping up from the couch, she yelled into his stunned face. "I don't even know why you are with me. You clearly are still in love with _her_!" She dramatically pointed her finger to where a startled Erin stood watching in surprise at the scene unfolding in front of the entire lounge. "I hate you, Jay Halstead!" Looking for a dramatic ending, Lily grabbed her drink from the table and threw it into Jay's shocked face before grabbing her jacket from the couch and running from the VIP section, disappearing into the crowd below.

Jay sputtered in disbelief as the remnants of Lily's drink slid down his face, into his collar, and down the front of his shirt. He brushed off a few stray ice cubes and surveyed the scene in front of him. Most of the crowd gathered in the lounge were staring at him with varying expressions on their faces. Some had that wide-eyed look of embarrassment when witnessing a scene that should be private. Others chuckled slightly behind their drinks. A few gave him sympathetic grimaces. Jay refused to look where Erin stood, and instead rose from his seat on the couch and made his way to the bar.

Wordlessly, Antonio, who had been sitting at the bar behind Jay with his date, handed him a handful of napkins. He shook his head at Jay with all knowing eyes. Although Jay never discussed his personal life with Antonio, he always felt like the detective knew exactly what the status quo with him and Erin was. Dawson's keen eye seemed to be able to read every situation.

"Thanks, man," Jay dabbed at his face, and did his best to sop up the wetness from his shirt. Fortunately, his shirt was dark, and you couldn't see the mess Lily's drink had made.

Suddenly, Jay heard Ruzek's voice from behind, "Oh, man! That was priceless!" He laughed heartily and slapped Jay on the back.

Jay turned to meet Adam's eyes. He gave him a dirty look, "Glad I could entertain you." He replied sarcastically.

Adam ignored him and motioned the bartender over. He ordered a round of shots. When they were poured a few moments later, he raised his glass in a toast, "To crazy women." Jay rolled his eyes, but toasted and took the shot. He actually thought maybe Adam was right. Maybe Lily was crazy. He had no idea what had inspired her to be so dramatic. He allowed his eyes to capture a quick look at Erin, and noticed she was still observing him with interest. Okay, so he knew why Lily did what she did. But he really didn't think it mattered. Erin seemed pretty into the guy she was with. Besides if it wasn't that guy, it was going to be someone else. Erin had made it pretty clear she wasn't interested in rekindling anything with him. After they'd kissed, she couldn't escape quickly enough. Then she just pretended it hadn't happened. Whereas it had done nothing but tear Jay up inside ever since.

A few minutes later, the concert started, and most of the occupants of the VIP lounge made their way to the railing to view the performers below. He was happy that the distraction could take everyone's attention off of him. Jay could care less about the music and was just happy to have the bar mainly to himself. George, his bartender, was becoming a reliable friend. Replacing Jay's drinks as quickly as he could knock them back. The numbness was starting to set in, and Jay was relieved. He didn't want to feel. Anything.

"Hey," her voice was soft, coming unexpectedly from just behind him. Without realizing it, Erin had come up behind him. He spun around to face her. Her face was creased in concern as she studied him. Jay knew Erin thought that he had just been dumped and was showing worry for him in that respect. "How are you?"

Not in the mood for her, he gave her a curt reply, "How do you think I am, Erin?"

Her eyes narrowed, "I was just checking up on you."

"I don't need you to check on me." He snapped. "Go back and hang on your Nick West." His voice dripped with annoyance. He tore his gaze from hers and focused on his drink. Lifting it up, he drained it. Fortunately, the bartender had already dropped off his next one.

Erin's mouth dropped open in surprise at the anger that was coming off Jay in waves, "What's your problem, Jay?"

"I don't have a problem. But you should really have a little more respect. Letting that guy paw you in the middle of the club. Get a room, Erin."

A look of hurt and confusion crossed her face. "I know you just got dumped, but you are being an ass!" She quickly strode away.

Erin fumed with anger as she made her way back to where her date stood. He stood leaning against the low railing watching the scene below. He turned and flashed her a smile when she reached him. He had inquired about who Jay was and why the girl had pointed at her. Erin had just blown it off and stated that they were old partners, and Lily must have misunderstood their friendship. She wasn't sure if Nick had bought it, but he hadn't said anything more. Once everyone had been distracted by the start of the concert, she had stolen over to check on Jay. What a mistake. She knew he was hurting, but he didn't have to take it out on her.

….

Kim sidled up to the bar next to Jay and ordered a drink. "That was quite the scene."

Jay made no comment, and just continued to sip his new drink. His eyes fixed on the mirror that hung behind the bar. Despite the dark and fractured light, if looked carefully, he could catch glimpses of Erin and her date. He knew he was just torturing himself, but he couldn't help it. His eyes burned as saw flashes of the green dress that he knew was Erin's.

"Lily seems like she could be in the running for Best Actress." She turned her back to the bar and leaned her elbows against it, facing the crowded club.

"Yeah, well it was all improvisation. I had no idea of her plan." Jay replied morosely.

"Just because it appears you have ended your 'relationship' doesn't mean I am okay with not telling Erin the truth. You need to come clean with her." Kim hated having any sort of lie between her and Erin. They had become a lot closer in the last month, and Erin had started confiding in her more and more. Kim was well aware that Erin was not the type of girl to trust easily. She didn't want to betray that trust by keeping Jay's 'relationship' with Lily a secret.

Jay rolled his eyes, "What does it matter?"

"It matters."

Jack just shrugged a bit, "Whatever."

"Soon, Jay. Tell her soon or I will." Kim leveled a severe look at Jay before grabbing her drink and walking back to where her friends were. Jay just kept his eyes focused on the mirror, searching for a glimpse of what he desired.

….

"Hey, Got a sec." Erin spun around in surprise. After their short fused exchange a half hour ago, she hadn't expected to talk to Jay again tonight. He grabbed her elbow gently, and guided her a few steps away from where her and Nick stood watching the concert. He leaned in to talk into her ear and to be heard over the loud music. "I need to talk to you. Can you maybe give me a ride home?" Jay's look was serious, and Erin was confused by his demeanor.

"Jay…" She gave him a slightly exasperated look. Erin gave a quick look behind her where Nick stood just a few feet away watching them warily, "I'm on a date."

Jay let his eyes wander briefly behind her, then also darted to the side to where Kim stood with her girlfriends. Erin noticed Kim staring at them with interest. "What's going on?" She questioned.

"Nothing. I just need- wanted to talk to you." Erin knew something was up. Jay's eyes were downcast, and he wouldn't make eye contact with her.

"Jay…"

His eyes flashed, "You know what, never mind!" He turned to walk away.

Erin grabbed his hand as he turned to leave, "Jay-"

"What's going on?" Jay and Erin both turned to face Nick, who had stepped up behind them.

"Nothing." Both replied in unison.

Nick motioned to their joined hands, "You've got your hand on my date, so I kind of think that looks a little like something." His eyes had an arrogant look to them.

Their hands instantly broke apart.

"It's not what you think, man," Jay frowned. "I was just trying to bum a ride from a friend."

Nick stepped closer to Jay, using his slightly larger size to try and intimidate Jay, "Call an Uber, dude. She's busy."

Not one to ever back down and not particularly thinking straight after a night of heavy drinking, Jay stepped up. "Well, _dude_ , I think Erin can speak for herself."

"Knock it off," Trying to diffuse the situation, Erin stepped in between the two men, placing her hands on both their chest to try and increase the physical space between them. Almost always willing to follow Erin's lead, Jay took an immediate step back.

Nick looked at Erin, in irritation. "Half the people you work with are here. He can get his own ride." He threw a degrading look at Jay, "I saw your chick dump you earlier. You can't go sniffing around my girl, just cause you couldn't lock it down with your date."

Turning to face him, Erin's mouth dropped open in shock at Nick's words. He'd been so charming since she'd met him. She couldn't believe the arrogant words spewing from him. "Jay's my friend. I'd appreciate it if you don't talk to him like that."

Jay likewise wasn't going to stand for it. He might be willing to deal with Erin moving on with some stand-up guy, but he certainly wasn't going to watch her spend time with some pompous asshole. He moved in a little closer to Erin protectively.

Not used to being shut down, Nick grabbed Erin's elbow, "Come on. We are missing the concert. Let him find his own way home."

Trying to get in between the two, Jay sidestepped around Erin and place himself in front of her. "You need to take your hands off her."

Nick gave a scornful laugh. "Fine. It's not like she's worth it." He shoved Erin away, and since she wasn't expecting it, she stumbled back into the nearby table.

Enraged, Jay pulled back his arm to punch Nick. Unfortunately, due to his slightly inebriated state, Nick was easily able to evade Jay's punch. Nick quickly followed through with his own punch and landed it squarely on Jay's jaw, following it up with a quick jab to the eye. Unsteady on his feet, Jay stumbled backwards toward the couches. Nick stood smirking at Jay as he leaned unsteadily against the couches. Jay might have responded, but the VIP section suddenly swarmed with security, and the rest of the intelligence team. Erin watched in disbelief as the scene unfolded around her.

Erin let the guys check on Jay, while the security guys cornered Nick. She took a few steps back away from them all. It felt unreal. Just a minute ago, she had been trying to enjoy the night despite the uncomfortable circumstances, and now it looked like a crime scene up here.

Kim stepped away from where she had been checking on Jay, and made her way over to where Erin now sat on a bar stool away from everything.

"How is he?" Erin asked.

Kim shrugged, "Pissed. At himself mainly for letting himself get hit, but I can also say he is not a fan of your new man."

Erin snorted, "Yeah, I'm not really a fan of him myself. I can say without any hesitation that he will not be my new man."

They both watched as Atwater stepped in with security to try and ease the situation without the whole group getting kicked out. As usual, his connections or words worked, and a few seconds later security walked a cocky Nick out. Erin was happy to see him go. She decided she had let his good looks override her good judgement. She had suspected he was a bit egocentric, but she hadn't quiet clued onto his arrogance. Maybe she wasn't really ready to date. Her judgement seemed to be off.

Kim glanced over at her, "Jay's kind of drunk. I guess I'll take him home."

Erin surveyed the room. Kim's friends were standing uncomfortably in the corner. Their attention half way on the scene, and half on the concert still rocking on down below. Erin knew Kim hardly ever got to spend time with them anymore. Especially now that she was in Intelligence. Now that the action was over, Ruzek had already made his way back to the main floor. He'd been hitting on girls and dancing up a storm all night. Antonio stood with Jay right now, but Erin could see his date sitting at the bar nervously. Erin knew they'd only been seeing each other a few weeks. Antonio was pretty private about his personal life, but Erin knew he hadn't found any one to get serious over since the divorce. Atwater had also rejoined Jay and Antonio. Jay seemed to be arguing with them about something. Erin made a split decision, "I'll take him home."

Kim looked at her in surprise. "Seriously? Do you think that is a good idea?"

Erin made a face, "Not like I'm on a date anymore." She slid off the barstool and made her way over to where the boys were. She caught the tail end of their conversation.

"I'm fine, guys. Just get me a cab." Jay was demanding.

Erin interrupted, "I'll take him home." Everyone spun around to look at Erin. Their faces wore matching expressions of shock. Erin ignored everyone and locked eyes with Jay. "You wanted to talk anyways, right?"

Jay looked at her slightly confused. Erin could see that he was still feeling the effects of the alcohol. His eyes were bloodshot, and one of them was swelling slightly. He was going to have a bit of a shiner in the morning. His lip was split, too. Not too bad, but it would be obvious to anyone that he'd been in a drunken fight. Nick's punches might have sobered him up a bit, but Jay had definitely drank more than his share tonight. "Come on, Rocky." She grabbed his arm and hauled him up off the couch. A few security guys stood by and asked if she needed any help. She shook them off, and maneuvered Jay through the club and towards the parking lot. Once out in the cold night air, Jay seemed to sober up even more.

"My car…" he mumbled.

"It will be here tomorrow. We will take mine." She steered him towards where she had parked earlier in the night.

Jay slipped into the passenger side, leaned back, and had closed his eyes before Erin even started the car. She wasn't sure if he was asleep, passed out, or just avoiding talking to her by pretending to sleep. She pulled onto the road, and for a moment hesitated over which way to go. She could head to Jay's house, but then she knew that'd leave him stranded without a car the next morning. He'd have to call a cab or a friend for a ride back to the club. Erin knew that was probably a fine solution, but despite that, her car turned the other way and headed to her place. She told herself that at least that way she could give him a ride the next morning. Plus, it probably wasn't a bad idea to have someone keep an eye on him. Erin recalled the night last month when Jay had taken care of her after she'd drank herself stupid. She guessed it was payback time.

Twenty minutes later, Erin was shaking Jay awake. He looked groggily around. "Your place?" He mumbled. Erin nodded.

Jay slowly got out of the car, his mind fuzzy. Why had Erin brought him here? He hadn't even known what to say when she'd offered the ride home. Everything had happened so fast, and he hadn't even realized what was going on until the guy had connected his fist with Jay's face. He knew he had drank too much, but he couldn't believe all that had gone on. He looked at Erin wearily. She wasn't revealing much with her expression. He just followed her lead and headed towards her apartment. He trailed behind her as they headed up the stairs. He was just glad he could stay upright despite the walls spinning a bit. He eyed Erin ahead of him a few paces. Damn, she looked good. Erin had always looked good to Jay, but all her recent physical activity with running and regular workouts had firmed and toned her up in all the right places. Her dress left nothing hidden, and Jay suddenly understood why Nick hadn't been able to keep his hands off her.

Jay heard Erin curse under her breath, before she stopped abruptly on the stairs. Jay almost ran over her as he was so focused on her backside. She sent him a dirty look, but bent over and removed her high heels. "My feet are screaming at me," she told him. "I hate wearing these things."

Jay tried giving her a smile, "They make your legs look hot though."

Erin furrowed her brow at him, but a small smile still crossed her lips. She turned back around and finished walking up the two flights of stairs. Jay trudged up after her, leaning heavily on the handrail. After what felt like ten minutes, they finally arrived at Erin's doorstep. She quickly unlocked the door, then secured it after they had entered.

Dropping her shoes by the door, she threw her clutch and keys onto the bar and walked around into the kitchen. She rummaged around in the fridge until she came up with a beer. She popped off the top and took a long sip, enjoying the slow burn as the cool liquid went down her throat. She'd had only one drink tonight, preferring to keep her wits about her. After the way things went down, she really needed something to take the edge off. Jay and Lily's scene, her and Jay arguing, Nick and Jay fighting. Scenes from the night kept flashing in her head. It was hard to remember that just four hours ago, she'd been primping in her apartment, kind of excited about her date. How quickly the night had fallen apart.

Jay stood in the middle of her living room a bit unsteadily. He wasn't quite sure what to do. Should he just get settled in to sleep on the couch? Did Erin want to sit down and have that chat? His head hurt just thinking about it. While he was definitely beginning to sober up, he didn't think he was up to the conversation Kim had demanded that he have with Erin.

He wiped his hand across his face, and he could still feel a bit of the sticky residue from the drink that had been thrown at him earlier. "Hey, I know it's an imposition, but do you think I can grab a quick shower. I'm kind of all sticky."

Erin's mind instantly went to an inappropriate place. Damn. Why did he always have this effect on her? She was irritated and confused about him, but then he goes and says words like shower and sticky and her mind instantly goes in the gutter. She tries to not reveal where her mind went, and gives him a quick nod. "Everything's in the same place," she mumbles as he heads toward her bedroom and attached bath.

Erin finishes off her beer until she hears the shower running. She heads into the bedroom, and notices that Jay left the door to the bathroom slightly ajar. Probably in case she needed anything. Erin quickly pulls out some yoga pants and a t-shirt to sleep in. She changes quickly, not wanting to be caught undressed when Jay comes out of the shower. She was slipping the shirt over her head when the shower turned off. She grabbed her dress from where she had thrown it on the bed and walked over to her small walk-in closet. She popped on the light, and threw the dress onto the laundry basket in the corner. Spinning around she let out a gasp when she saw Jay standing at the closet door. He had a towel slung around his hips, securing it only with his hand. Water droplets still clung to his chest and dripped from his hair. Her mouth went dry.

"I was wondering if you still had any of the stuff I left here?"

Erin stared blankly at him, her eyes roaming his chest appreciatively. "Ummm, yeah, I…" her voice trailed off, as she tried to refocus on the question. She shook her head, "Yeah, I think in a drawer in the other room." She lifted her eyes to meet Jay's and she could see some amusement in them. He also looked significantly more sober. She tried to move past Jay, but his tall frame took up the whole space. He looked down at her as she tried to step around him. He side stepped at the same time she did, and they once again bumped into each other.

"Sorry," Jay laughed. He stopped, reached out, and guided her around him.

Erin quickly, took a step back as soon as he touched her. Knowing she was blushing, and embarrassed over her reaction to him, she busied herself looking through some drawers. "Here. Some old boxers and sweats you left here." She tossed them across the room towards him.

"Thanks." He looked at her expectantly. Laughter still danced in his eyes.

"What?" she snapped irritated.

He licked his lips, and his eyes roamed her body, "Nice shirt."

Erin glanced down, and she felt color stain her cheeks as realized that the t-shirt she had grabbed was his. She'd always stolen his shirts while they were dating. They were always so soft, and they had the added bonus of smelling like him. After their break up, she'd needed that connection to him, and had slept in one of shirts almost every night.

Deciding to just avoid the insinuation, Erin spun around and headed into the other room. She could hear Jay's rumble of stifled laughter as she left. He must have got dressed in a flash because it was only moments later that he had followed her back into the living room. His face had lost its smile though as he met her where she leaned against her couch, arms crossed.

He took a deep breath, and then let it out in a rush, "I don't even know where to begin, Erin." He looked at her with serious eyes. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wanted to be okay with it. I really did. I just…" He just shook his head at himself and his own actions. He dropped his eyes.

Erin bit her lip, she knew the feeling. She looked at him, and she gave him a grim smile, "He was an asshole, so I really don't mind."

Jay acknowledged it with tilt of his head. "Yeah, but I should have minded my own business. You can handle yourself."

Erin smiled at the compliment. She always liked how Jay never assumed she couldn't take care of herself in the situations they were put in. Yeah, he was stronger than her, and she would reluctantly admit that he was better with a gun, but she was no slouch. She'd saved his ass on more than one occasion. Their partnership had always been reciprocal.

Giving Jay an understanding look, she examined his features. She ignored the fact that he was still shirtless, and instead focused on his face. His left eye had the start of a bruise, but the swelling was surprisingly minor. She could still see his blue eyes, looking at her that way that he always did lately. Like he wanted to say something to her but was holding back.

Her fingers brushed his cheek just below his blackened eye, "Why did you act like such an idiot?"

His breath caught as her fingertips gently touched his skin. His mind swirled with thoughts. He knew that he had been drinking a lot tonight, but he wasn't feeling drunk anymore. At least not drunk on alcohol. He was intoxicated by Erin's presence, like he always had been. Her bringing him back here, the way she had looked at him in the closet, the way she was looking at him right now.

They were standing so close. Erin could feel his warm breath brushing across her cool cheek. His eyes were looking down at her with such intensity. His voice barely louder than a whisper, "You know why."

She shook her head ever so slightly, her eyes peered up into his, searching. She could see his blue eyes darkening with emotion. They held her gaze. Her voice was soft, "You always say that, but I don't."

He titled his head ever so slightly, "Yes, you do."

Erin doesn't know who moved first, but one second they were staring intently at each other, and the next their lips met. The kiss was slow at first. Jay's lips pulling tenderly at hers, stealing her breath. His lips moving against hers falling into a rhythm they had perfected long ago. Lips grazing hers, teasing them until she opened her mouth and let his tongue in to caress hers. The touch was electric, and Erin could feel her pulse quicken and her body heat up. She craved more. She needed more. All too soon, he released her lips and pulled back enough for their eyes to meet.

His breathing was heavy and his words full of intense emotion. "I want this, Erin. Do you?"

Erin looked up into his desire filled eyes, and knew that the same look was reflected in her eyes. Did she want Jay? She'd always wanted Jay, even when she pushed him away, she still desired him and craved his touch. She knew they should probably talk. There was so much unsaid and unresolved. Trying not to overthink things, and to just go for what she wanted, she nodded to him.

She saw his lips twitch in a smile. He reached up and caressed her cheek with one hand, his thumb gently brushing against her lower lip. He whispered, "Say it."

Knowing the words he wanted, she took a quick breath. "I want this." She looked up into his desire filled face, "I want you. I always do."

The passion exploded as they attacked each other with lips and hands desperate and searching. Jay made quick work of her t-shirt and soon their chests were skin to skin. Erin relished in the feel of his skin, still warm and damp from his hot shower. Her nails trailed pathways down his chest, but soon made their way to his back, and she pulled him even closer. Also not content with their contact, Jay gripped her waist and pulled her up higher, Erin wrapped her legs around his waist. Jay moved them quickly back into the bedroom.

No more words were spoken as they tumbled to the bed. Clothes were pulled off at will, as they desperately sought out bare skin to caress. Jay's touch bordered on desperation. It was as if he needed to touch and kiss every square inch of her body, as if she might change her mind at any moment. His lips trailed pathways across her quickly heating skin.

Erin, too, couldn't get enough of Jay. She tried to kiss or touch every part of his skin. Her hands and lips reacquainted themselves with those spots that she knew drove Jay crazy. Behind his ear, his ribs, the juncture of his hip. His breath grew rapid as she teased him, just as his hands and lips were arousing her.

Time passed as their passions rose and inched higher toward release. Only the night witness as their desire for each other was finally quenched.

 **Okay, that was another long update. I had a really hard time with this chapter. I'm still not all that pleased with how it turned out. I must have rewrote certain parts three or four times. Hopefully some of you will be pleased about their reunion. There is still that conversation that needs to be had though. Hmmm….not sure what Erin's reaction will be, but I imagine it will be interesting.**

 **Thanks again to all who reviewed and read the last chapter. Keep the feedback coming. I am looking for an idea for an undercover operation. Any suggestions? I want something unique.**


	14. Chapter 14

Erin stashed her bag in her locker, and then meandered out of the locker room and headed to the break room. She pretty much had the squad room to herself. Jay had left early in the morning to get home to change for work, so she didn't expect him for another half hour or so. She had seen Hank in his office and given him a quick hello, but nobody else had yet arrived. Glancing quickly at her watch, she figured she had another fifteen or twenty minutes until the rest of the squad started rolling in. She got to work on making the morning coffee, and then just leaned back against the counter thinking as she waited for it to brew. She knew she had a stupid smile on her lips, but she just couldn't hold it back. At this moment, she was happy, blissfully so. It had been a long time since she felt this at ease, and it felt good.

If she had thought Saturday night was great, then Sunday had been amazing. She and Jay hadn't left her apartment all day. Her bones felt a bit like jelly, and her there were aches in muscles she didn't even realize she had, but it had been worth it. They had spent most the day making love and reconnecting in the way that had first connected them two year ago. They'd laughed, they'd teased, and just shared space.

After the long eventful Saturday night, they had both slept late into the morning, awakening well past when the sun was high in the morning sky. When Erin's eyes had fluttered awake, she had slowly become aware of Jay's eyes resting on her. Rolling to her side, she eyed him with sleepy half-mast eyes. Also laying on his side, studying her, he had cautiously questioned her, "Do you regret last night?" She could see he was holding his breath slightly in anticipation of her response.

He had looked so handsome laying there. Not even noticing the bruise under his eye, she just saw Jay. The man who had always been there for her. Even when they were struggling with communicating with each other, she knew that this man would be there for her. Did she regret being with him last night? Deciding not to even answer him, Erin had scooted up next to him, pushed him flat on his back, and straddled him. She then bent down close to him, her hair curtaining them for a moment, eyes connecting. His brightening with desire and excitement as she leaned forward and kissed him senseless.

Another round of lovemaking had caused them to doze off, wrapped up in each other, until hunger had forced them out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Erin had decided she could whip up some brunch. In just his sweats, sitting attractively low on his hips, Jay had sat perched on the end of the breakfast bar while Erin had puttered around the kitchen. She was wearing just his old T-shirt, and knowing that was all she was wearing had driven him crazy. Her hair was messy and tousled from their morning romp. Her eyes were bright with pleasure and happiness. Eventually it had been too much for Jay. Sexy hair, bright eyes, and bare legs. Brunch had been put on pause as they had gone for round three right there in the kitchen.

Brunch had eventually been cooked and eaten, followed by cuddling on the couch to watch a movie or two. At some point a shower had been taken, although Erin's water bill next month was going to show a spike from the amount of time they spent in there. Another nap had occurred, and then they had finally had ordered in some Chinese food, which they had ate cross legged on the floor of her living room.

Late that night, they had lay in bed once again, regretting the end of their lazy Sunday. Her head had rested on his bare chest as he had absentmindedly stroked her bare back. His words had been quiet breaking the comfortable silence they had found themselves in. "Do you think we should talk about us?"

While they had talked throughout the day, they had both purposefully avoided any topics that might cause them to get too serious. Instead they had flirted and teased with words and actions, keeping things light and sexy. Now as real life was encroaching, it seemed Jay wanted to discuss things. Erin knew it was time, but a part of her wanted to hold onto the magic that sparked between them since last night.

She raised herself up on her hands a bit, so she could meet his eyes. "Yeah, I know we should, but," Erin let out a soft sigh. "Can it wait until tomorrow?" She looked at him with pleading eyes. "I just don't want anything to mar my memory of this day." She brushed her lips against his skin and ran her fingers across his belly softly. "It's just been so perfect."

She could feel the quickening of his pulse and his breath hitched a bit. She loved that he was as easily turned on by her as she was by him. His eyes had darkened with desire again, but she also saw a hesitation there. Her brow furrowed, "What's wrong?"

He ran his hands through her hair and pulled her up gently, so that her lips were within his reach. He brushed his lips against hers, and she let out a content sigh. He pulled back just a bit, "There's just a lot that I want to tell you. I've been thinking a lot. About you, me," he paused and looked deeply into her eyes, "us."

Sensing the mood was about to shift, Erin restated her earlier desire, "Not tonight, Jay. We have all the time in the world to talk. I'm not going anywhere." She had pressed her lips back to his, and he had been helpless not to respond.

Now that Monday morning had arrived, and they were about to start their work week, Erin was still filled with that lightness that she knew was love. While they didn't throw the words out last night, she knew that what they felt for each other was love. Their relationship had never just been about sex. It had started as friendship and attraction, but she knew love had been the basis of their connection for a long time.

A noise from the squad room broke her from her reverie, and she quickly glanced up, hoping Jay had already returned from changing into fresh clothes from his apartment. While it had been less than hour since she had been with him, she already missed his touch and attention. She felt a twinge of disappointment when she saw it was just Kim. Noticing Erin in the break room, Kim gave a quick wave and made her way over.

"Good morning!" Kim greeted her sunnily.

Erin gave her a bright smile and returned the greeting, "Good morning. How was your weekend?" She cheerfully asked.

Kim faltered a bit. Her eyes narrowing at Erin's happy tone. "Are you serious?"

Erin blinked a few times in surprise at Kim question, "Yeah, how was your weekend?"

Kim studied Erin more carefully. Her face had a relaxed expression on it that Erin didn't normally have. Especially in the last month. Her eyes were bright and she was hiding a smile. As Kim stared her down, Erin even started to grin, "What?" she laughed.

Kim's mouth dropped open. "You had sex!" She accused.

Erin looked at her in shock, "How can you-" She halted her sentence, when she realized what she was about to say.

"Who was it?" She demanded, glancing around the break room, as if Erin had a man hidden there under the table or in the corner.

Erin just shook her head, and busied herself with refilling her coffee cup. Not to be deterred, Kim stepped around her to examine Erin's smiling face. She didn't really need to though. There was only one person that she knew could have put that smile on Erin.

Kim squealed like kid on Christmas. "I knew it!" She exclaimed. "I knew it was just a matter of time." She sat down in one of the chairs and patted the neighboring seat. "Sit! Tell me all about it."

Erin sat, but gave Kim a dubious look, "You do not want me to tell you about my sex life….with Jay."

Kim crinkled her nose. "Ew, no. I just want you to tell me how it happened."

Erin shrugged, "I don't know. It just happened. We both just stopped denying what we wanted and were honest about wanting to be together."

Kim bit her lip thoughtfully, "And you are both okay with everything?" She was glad to hear that they both had been honest about everything, but Kim was surprised that everything had been resolved quite so simply.

Nodding, Erin gave Kim a reassuring smile. "Things are good. Really good. We both want this." She gave Kim an honest look, "I am not going to hide anything from him this time. If I am scared, I am going to tell him. If I am hurt or angry, he's going to know about it. Maybe we will have to deal with stuff along the way, but I think it's going to be okay." She gave her a soft look, "I actually think it's going to be amazing."

Kim let out a huge sigh of relief, "Finally!" she exclaimed. "It has been driving me crazy with you too denying how much you miss each other. Listening to you both has been exhausting." Erin chuckled a bit at Kim dramatic outburst. Kim continued to rant playfully, "Finally we can all hang out again. No more avoidance, no more lies and half-truths, no more pretending."

Erin tilted her head in confusion for a moment, her eyes still laughing a bit at Kim's dramatics, "What do you mean half-truths and pretending?" A perplexed smile on her face.

Kim faltered a bit, "I… I.. thought you said you guys talked it all out." Her face froze as she noticed Erin's confusion.

Erin gave a half shrug, "Well, we were a little busy to do too much talking, but we agreed to talk it all out this week." Sensing the panic that Kim had fell into, she questioned her more seriously, "What are talking about, Kim?"

Kim looked at her in distress, "Jay, said he'd tell you. I made him promise he'd tell you or I would."

Erin swallowed uncomfortably. What could Jay have been hiding from her? She obviously knew he had been with someone else. It wasn't something she was happy about, but she knew she could accept it in time. They'd both felt that there was no chance they'd ever get back together. They had been apart, and she couldn't really blame him. He had been pretty adamant about wanting to talk last night. Was there something more? Erin looked imploringly at Kim. She was tense and looked distressed, with guilt all over her face. Suddenly Erin had a sickening thought. Had Kim and Jay actually been hooking up all those weeks ago? Had they agreed to not say anything, but now that Erin and Jay were back together they wanted to come clean. Erin's heart filled with dread.

"Tell me the truth, Kim. Now." Her eyes bore into the younger woman. Erin was so fearful of her response. Was her happiness really only going to last a single day?

Loud voices suddenly filled the squad room, and footsteps could be heard making their way up the stairs. Both swung their heads around, and observed Atwater, Ruzek, and Jay all making their way up into the squad room. Seeing an escape, Kim quickly rose and strode out of the break room. The boys were laughing and joking about Jay's black eye as they made their way to their respective desks.

Jay, like Erin had earlier, was looking more relaxed and happier than he had in months. His eyes skimmed over Kim as she approached him, and then narrowed in on Erin over her shoulder. Kim wasn't sure what he saw in Erin's face, but his head snapped back at Kim's in an instant. Not even giving him a chance to speak, Kim grabbed his arm and half dragged him down the hall towards the locker room, ignoring the curious look of the other guys.

Once they were inside, Jay shook off her grip, "What the hell, Kim?"

Kim pushed angrily against his chest, "You said you would tell her, Jay!"

Realizing what the issue was, Jay's lips twisted in irritation, "And I will tell her!"

Kim gave him an annoyed look, "Don't you think it's something she should have known before you two had sex?"

Jay reared back in surprise. He hadn't expect that Erin would run to Kim and share everything that had happened between them. Was nothing private anymore? After all, it had only been an hour since he had left Erin at her apartment!

"I am going to tell her." He let out a sigh, and Jay gave Kim a helpless look, "I did try to bring up some things, but she didn't want to talk."

Kim gave him a look of disbelief. "In the middle of all the hot reunion sex, there just wasn't a moment to tell her, 'oh by the way, I have been lying to you for months!'"

"She didn't want to talk!" Jay repeated, but Kim just rolled her eyes at his excuse. Jay let out an exasperated sigh, "I will tell her. Tonight! I promise."

Suddenly, a raspy voice could be heard from behind the row of lockers. Erin stepped out into their line of vision, hurt, anger, and betrayal all over her face, "How about you both tell me right now."

 **Sorry to leave it as a cliffhanger, but...I just wanted to! Thanks for continued support readers. It's so encouraging every time I read reviews. It makes me type up the next chapter even faster. Hope you enjoyed this one.**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: I had such a hard time with this chapter. Usually I can knock them out in a few hours, but this one took a week. I have a hard time when I try to get a case involved. I am more of a relationship writer than a procedural writer. Hope the case sounds plausible. Enjoy.**

The silence in the locker room was deafening. Erin stared at Jay and Kim expectantly. Her heart was beating out of her chest, eyes wide with both panic and fear. "Just tell me!" She cried. She couldn't believe in just ten minutes she had gone from riding on cloud nine to feeling like a skydiver falling without a parachute. Her mind was racing and the look of guilt on both Jay and Kim's faces made her believe the worst of them both.

Jay and Kim shared a glance, then Kim gestured to Jay. "It's not my story to tell." Kim started to walk out of the room. She wanted to be far away from this conversation. She knew Jay should have come clean with Erin long ago. Things had gotten way out of control, and now Erin was looking at Kim with betrayal in her eyes.

Erin grabbed her arm when she tried to pass, her eyes narrowing at Kim, "So this lie has nothing to do with you?" she questioned doubtfully. Her eyes begging that what she was imagining wasn't the truth.

Kim frowned, "No! I just found out a few days ago. Wait! Did you think…?" Her surprised look turned to shock and disappointment. "I told you I would never in a million years. You couldn't pay me enough." Kim tossed a slightly disgusted look back at Jay. She was disappointed that once again Erin thought that Kim would do something like that to her.

"Hey," Jay interjected, slightly offended that Kim was so disgusted at the thought of being with him. It's not like he was attracted to her either, but still! Both woman turned and threw him dirty looks.

"Can one of you two just tell me what is going on?" She swung her gaze back and forth between the two of them. "Please!" Erin demanded. The thoughts that were racing through her mind were incomprehensible. A part of her kept thinking back to yesterday, to the time she spent with Jay. They way they had been with each other. The way he looked at her with nothing but love. Yet, everything she had overheard and the guilty looks on their faces told her something had happened. Jay was keeping some sort of secret from her.

Everyone's head spun to the door way when they heard a sharp knock. Atwater poked his head through the open door, "Hey, Voight wants everyone in the squad room. We got a hot one." Kim headed quickly towards the exit, not wanting to stick around one minute longer.

Jay approached Erin quickly, gripping her firmly on the shoulders. He looked down at her with serious eyes. He hated seeing the look of hurt and betrayal in her face. "It's really not a big deal. I promise you." He begged her to understand with his eyes, but he could see that damn wall being built back up. "It was just last month when I told you-"

"Lindsay and Halstead! Get your asses out here, now!" Voight bellowed from the other room. Erin pulled out of his grasp, and backed away from him. She shook her head sadly as she walked away. Reluctantly Jay followed her, ducking his head to avoid the glare coming from Voight as they both entered the squad room. He dropped into his chair, and focused his attention on the board. He tried to follow the background information that Voight was giving, but his mind kept wandering back to Erin.

It really wasn't a big deal, he told himself. Erin probably wouldn't even be upset. It actually might be a relief to her that he hadn't slept with someone else. He knows it would definitely bother him if she had slept with another guy. He didn't think she had, but you never know. They were broken up, and she might have. He darted a quick look in her direction, and while her attention was fixed on Voight, the tense set of her shoulders and jaw told him she was anything but relaxed.

"So, we are going to need a team on the inside, a couple, staying at the hotel. They will hopefully lure the suspects in. I'd like to get one of you also on the staff in the bar, but I am not sure if we can swing it without anyone getting suspicious. We know at least one of the crew must be an employee. The rest of us will be stationed at all the points of entry. I'm going to see if Mouse can tap into their surveillance system. I'd try and get us in legitimately, but there is a chance that a security member might be in on this, too."

Antonio spoke up, "How do we guarantee that they will go for our couple?"

Voight made a frustrated face, "We don't know that they will. Two of the last couples that were victims spent time in the hotel restaurant and bar, both together and apart. The first victim, Jenna Festerman, was abducted when returning to her room, after going to the bar for a night cap. She and her husband Johnathan Festerman had reportedly had a public argument in the restaurant. They both then went up to their room and continued to fight. He stayed in the room, while she left. Security cameras showed her drinking heavily before leaving the bar later that night. She disappeared in a blind spot on the security cameras. Ransom phone call was made less than twenty minutes later. Mrs. Festerman has no recollection of what happened. Her unconscious body was found a few blocks away, after the money had been dropped."

Olinksky stepped in, "The second couple had a similar story. Only difference of course, is that Mariann Baldres had a reaction to the knock out drug they used, and died as a result."

Antonio had another question, "You really think that they are going to try it again? Figure they'd be smart enough to think that people would be looking into it."

Voight acknowledged it with a nod. "It's possible but we think they are definitely amateurs. They are demanding low money amounts from the victims. $10,000. The Festerman's had to cash out a retirement account to get the money, but the Baldres were worth closer to 5 million. If these guys had time to do their homework, they would have asked for more than ten grand from them. We think these are spur of the moment snatches. They have a system, and they have been getting away with it so far. We think they will try again if the opportunity arises." He leveled the team with a look. "We are going to dangle a target in front of them they just won't be able to resist."

He turned to Jay. "I want you in as the male target." Jay nodded and stood up from his chair. Kim stood up also, assuming, as his partner, she would be going in as the wife. Voight looked at her contemplatively. "I appreciate the offer, but this one could get complicated. I think you might still be a little green for this one." He directed his gaze to Erin. "Lindsay. I want you in there with Halstead on this one." He narrowed his eyes, "You two shouldn't have an issue pretending to be a couple having difficulties since you have no problem bringing your drama into work." He spun on his heel at that, and disappeared into his office. Olinsky gave Halstead and Lindsay a raised brow look, and followed Voight into his office, shutting the door behind him.

"Oh, man! Burn!" chuckled Ruzek, "Didn't know the old man had it in him." He nudged Jay in the shoulder as he made his way back toward his desk.

Erin and Jay just looked at each other. The last thing they wanted was Voight taking any sort of interest in their love life. That was the whole reason two years ago that they hadn't gotten involved to begin with. It was true that last year, he had relaxed his position on it, but they both very well knew that if things went south, Vought would have no qualms about booting one or both of them out of intelligence. Their look said enough. They needed to talk, but it wasn't going to happen right now. Work was what they needed to focus on right now.

….

By early evening, Mr. and Mrs. Jason Harrison were checked into the five star hotel and making their way up to their suite. Since a bellhop had accompanied them with their luggage, their façade was in full effect. Mr. Harrison was discussing with his wife the meetings he had to attend the next day. Mrs. Erica Harrison was acting as disinterested as any rich unhappily married wife might. She threw off a comment about shopping all day while he was in meetings. Just in case the bellhop was in on the kidnappings, Erin was sure to mention some high-end stores and a well-known jeweler. If this guy was involved, there'd be no doubt that Mrs. Harrison had money to burn.

A few minutes later and Jay was closing the door, and the two were alone in the room. Deciding to ignore Jay for the time being, Erin grabbed the suitcase and began unpacking the evening wear she had planned for tonight. Voight had planned the sting for two nights, just in case they didn't get a bite tonight. Erin had a few outfits for tomorrow as well as all her personal toiletries. With little to unpack, she made quick work of the task. She could feel Jay eyeing her from where he leaned against an arm chair.

Jay watched Erin move around the hotel room with mixed feelings. The hotel room was amazing, well above Jay's paygrade, but it was the kind of place he would love to take Erin. When he had tried to plan a romantic weekend away with Erin, this was the kind of place he had been willing to take her if the cabin up north wasn't an option. He knew this lifestyle hadn't been a part of either one of their upbringings, but it was what he wanted for her. He wanted the best for her. Anything she desired.

Jay thought about how this undercover op might have been different if they hadn't have had a fight this morning as well. Jay could imagine them making good use of the king size bed with its fluffy with comforter and guaranteed high thread count sheets. They were supposed to be a married couple. Jay was down for some method acting. Yesterday had been incredible, and it had pained him to leave Erin this morning. She had offered to drive him to get his car, but Jay had insisted on calling a cab and just meeting her at work. Now he kept thinking that if he had taken her up on her offer, then whatever misunderstanding she had had with Kim might not have even occurred. He knew that he should have explained things to Erin the day before, but she had been adamant about leaving their talk for another day. Now, Jay felt like everything was falling apart.

Jay's cellphone rang, and noting it was Dawson, he answered it. Dawson explained that the team had all taken their positions around the different exits of the hotel. He was informed that they had dinner reservations at 8, and were just to lay low until then. While he talked over some details with Dawson, Erin had made her way to the where the TV was and flipped it on. She then took a position on one of the arm chairs on the opposite side of the living space than where Jay was.

Jay clicked off his phone, then made eye contact with Erin. "We've got a few hours. Dawson says to just hang out until our dinner reservations." Erin nodded, then refocused her attention on the television. She had picked a movie, and she was pretending rapt attention. Jay knew she was just avoiding him. Jay decided to let her have her quiet and made his way to his suitcase. He grabbed his stuff and made his way to the bathroom. "I'm going to shower now, then. That way you can have the bathroom to get ready later." He glanced over at Erin, but she didn't acknowledge his comment. Sighing deeply, he disappeared into the bathroom.

Erin let out a breath when she heard the shower start. She was having a hard time keeping a lid on her emotions. They were on a job, and she knew it was not the time to get into it, but she also could not get her mind off it. She needed to know the truth. Whatever secret Jay was hiding. She remembered in the locker room, Jay had said that it was no big deal. If that was true, why hide the truth?

About twenty minutes later, Jay emerged from the bathroom, hair still damp, and smelling like he always did. Delicious. Erin loved his freshly showered scent. All clean and soap smelling. She resisted the urge to look at him. She heard him walking around the room, a blur of white in her peripheral vision. She did a double take. "What are you wearing?" she exclaimed.

Glad to have her attention, Jay grinned at her, "A robe."

Erin couldn't help but chuckle. Jay was swathed in a luxurious hotel bathrobe that was monogrammed with the hotels initials. He even had bath slippers on his feet. "You look ridiculous."

Jay shrugged, "Maybe, but I think this robe is nice than my suit." He sat down on the couch near Erin, and kicked his slippered feet up onto the glass coffee table.

Erin eyed him with laughter, but just shook her head and then looked away.

Jay rolled his head to look at Erin's profile. "I think we should talk now."

Erin shook her head, not looking at him. "We are working."

Jay glanced at the clock. "We've got at least an hour. This shouldn't take long."

Erin jumped up from the chair and paced over to the window. She looked out at the view that quickly disappearing. The edges of the familiar buildings of Chicago's skyline were blurring as night approached. "Maybe I just don't want to hear what you have to say."

Jay followed her to the window, but didn't touch her. He knew how prickly Erin could be when cornered. "Earlier you just wanted the truth. I want to explain now. Once again, it's not that big of deal."

Reluctantly, Erin turned around to face Jay. She could see how serious he was right now. His eyes had that stern look they sometimes got. Usually there was a hint of laughter always in his eyes. Unless there was something he was angry or worried about. Right now they looked concerned. About how she was going to react. Jay decided to take her silence as consent.

"You know that I love you, right? I mean, we don't say it, but I don't think I've hidden how I feel about you." He stepped in close to her, and Erin sucked in a breath, effected by his words and closeness, like she always was. It didn't seem to matter if they were together, apart, or fighting. When he got in close, she could smell him, see those freckles that spread across his face. She could see those blue eyes that were fringed by dark lashes. His lips that could drive her crazy with softness and firmness. "You know right?"

Erin just looked away, not denying it but not wanting to say it out loud either. She did know that Jay loved her. The way he always looked at her, how he treated her, his touch. She had never doubted that. Even when he had moved on, she had known a part of him still loved her. She felt that he never said anything out of fear of scaring her off. He'd probably been right. She'd never been comfortable with love.

He reached out and brushed a stray hair behind her ear. "I've always loved you, and when you broke things off, that didn't end for me, Erin." He swallowed nervously, and looked away for a moment. "I couldn't move on." He looked back into her eyes, "I didn't move on, Erin."

Erin's brow furrowed in confusion, "What do you mean?"

He let out a sigh, "What I said I meant. I didn't move on. There was nobody else. That's the big secret, Erin. I know it's not that dramatic, but that's it."

"I don't understand," Erin began. What did he mean, he hadn't moved on? "You mean, your heart?" Erin really wasn't understanding why this was a big secret.

Jay looked at her straight on. "Lily. She wasn't real, Erin."

Cocking her eyebrow, Erin gave Jay a concerned look, "Okay, I know this has been an emotional couple days, but Jay, Lily was real. I saw her myself, several times." She didn't know what game Jay was playing, but she was getting tired of this.

Shaking his head, Jay said, "No, I mean Lily is a real person, but she was never my girlfriend, Erin. I barely know her." He decided to just put it all out there. "I met her maybe ten minutes before you met her that night. We never were involved."

Erin took a few steps back from Jay, her mind racing in confusion. "What? I saw you two out on dates, Jay, at Molly's, at the club." She paused a sudden thought hitting her, "I saw her break up with you!"

Jay sucked in his lower lip as he often did when trying to figure out how to say something, "I was confused, Erin. I didn't understand what was going on with us. You were pushing me away, but then there were these moments when we would reconnect. Then you were yelling at me and accusing me of sleeping with Kim. I just… I just… I made it up."

Walking away from Jay, still not quite comprehending what he had said, Erin made her way across the room. She ran her hands through her hair, trying to make sense of what Jay had told her. Suddenly, she spun back around. "It's been over a month, Jay! Why keep it up!"

"I wasn't!" Jay heard the hurt in her voice, but he was sure he could make her understand. "I hadn't given her another thought. I was busy trying to figure out what was going on with us." He strode over to where she now stood. His heart clenched as she took a step back. "I kept hoping you would realize that you still wanted to be with me, Erin. I was waiting for you to realize that you loved me."

Erin could feel tears stinging the back of her eyes. "I thought you had moved on, Jay. I was heartbroken."

Jay shook his head, "I didn't know. I didn't realize you still had feelings for me. I thought you were wanting to move on. You seemed happy that you thought I had someone new." He swallowed "I thought maybe it was time for me to see if there was a chance I'd ever find happiness without you." He reached out and grabbed her hands. "I can't. There is just you."

Erin stared at their joined hands. Her voice was soft as she made a realization, "You wanted to hurt me."

Jay shook his head, "No. I didn't." Erin looked at him in doubt, Jay shook his head again. "Maybe that first night, Erin, but never after." Erin took a few steps back, pulling her hands from his slowly. Jay noting the closed off look in her eyes and let her back away. He looked at her sadly, "Don't run away, Erin. Don't push me away again. Think about yesterday. Think about the last two years. Don't walk away from this."

Her mind swirling, Erin turned her back to him. She needed to think. She needed to process everything that Jay had said.

"Erin, wait."

Erin swung back around. "I can't talk about this right now, Jay. We have a job to do, and right now, I can't….think. I need to think… about work, right now." She locked eyes with him again. With one last sad look, she turned and left to the bathroom to get ready for the night.

Jay watched as she disappeared into the next room. He couldn't help but think that she was going to disappear from his life.

 **Thanks for reading! Please review and let me know what you think.**


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: Sorry it has been so long for an update. Real life has just been extremely busy lately. I plan to get another update this weekend. Maybe even two! Enjoy.**

Jay sat on the hotel couch, leaning forward, his head in his hands. He knew he messed up. The look of utter sadness on Erin's face had told him that he had probably lost her. This time forever. One thing he knew for sure about Erin is that she didn't take betrayal lightly. She saw what he did as betrayal, even though that wasn't what he had intended. He hadn't intended anything! He had resigned himself that they just weren't going to be together. He would have never set up that miserable date with Lily if he thought that Erin still wanted him.

He was however relieved that everything was out in the open now, but he also felt a huge sense of defeat. Over the last few years, they had made such a mess of their relationship over and over again. First when they both pushed down their feelings for each other after Voight noticed their closeness. Then again when they said hell with it and got involved. Once again, they iced their feelings after Voight caught on. Jay thought back of Erin's downward spiral last year. She pushed him away so far he thought she'd be gone forever. She hadn't been back on the job but a few months when they had reunited. This time with Voight's acceptance, it had been only their fault when things fell apart again. Jay still didn't understand why Erin always pushed him away. Anytime she was hurting or dealing with a personal issue, she chose to go it alone than to lean on him for support.

Jay thought back to the weekend. He had just known that this time things were going to be different. He had seen the confidence in Erin over the last months. She had seemed more open with her relationships and feelings over the last month. A lightness to her that made him think she was thinking about the future and not living in the past. After this weekend, he'd had no doubt that the future she wanted was with him. He'd never been happier. It still confounded him that just this morning he had lovingly kissed her good-bye at her doorstep.

Once again though, everything had fallen apart.

The door to the bathroom opened, and Jay couldn't help sucking in a breath as Erin emerged. She looked beautiful. She had curled her hair into soft waves that danced upon her shoulders. Jay didn't understand what kind of magic girls did with their makeup, but whatever Erin had done, it made her eyes look amazing. He tried to avoid letting his eyes run down the length of her, but he couldn't help it. She wore a form fitting black dress that was cut short and tight. As she turned to drop something off at her suitcase, he could see that the dress was backless. Jay groaned inwardly. How on Earth was he supposed to make it through this night with Erin next to him looking like that. Especially remembering that just yesterday he had made love to her for hours.

Feeling Jay's intense focus on her, Erin stopped in her movements and stared at him pointedly.

Jay's eyes had been roaming the long expanse of her legs, wondering how high heels made her legs look like they went on forever, when he realized Erin was giving him an irritated look. He snapped his eyes up. "Sorry," he muttered apologetically. He stood up from where he sat on the couch and made his way over to her. "You look beautiful," he softly spoke.

Erin shook her head and started to walk away. He grasped her arm. "Come on, Erin. Talk to me."

"There is just nothing to say right now." She avoided his eyes. She was hurt and angry, but she knew that she would see hurt and sadness in Jay's eyes, too. She didn't want to see that. Seeing emotion in Jay's eyes had always been her weakness. She tried to pull out his grasp.

His hand held firmly to her arm, "Erin…"

Reluctantly she turned back around to face him. As predicted, his face was filled with regret and longing. His hand released her and slid up to cup her cheek gently. "I'm sorry. So sorry. Please…"

Erin cut him off, "I already told you. I don't want to do this now."

"And I don't want you going in there angry!"

Erin let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm just…hurt." She shrugged. "You hurt me."

Jay gritted his teeth in exasperation, "And you hurt me!"

Erin stepped away, Jay's hands falling away from her arm. "So what? Are we even now? I hurt you. You hurt me. Everything is fine now?" Her voice was rising in anger. She realized it wasn't fair. Erin knew that she had hurt Jay over the last few months. She had been filled with grief and had been having a hard time seeing the good in life. She hadn't wanted to pull Jay into that dark place that she knew she sometimes went to. She had seen the hurt in his face every time she pushed him away. All he'd ever wanted was to be there for her. She knew that. She also knew that he had lied for over a month about dating some imaginary girl. She knew he'd been hurting, but she just couldn't wrap her head around the lie. Not to mention that big dramatic break up scene at the night club. Had that been all for her benefit?

Jay paced the room in agitation. "No, everything is not okay, but it can be. We can chose to move past this, Erin. We can chose each other." He stopped in front of her. He looked at her with nothing but vulnerability in his eyes. "We can chose each other." He repeated. Erin looked up at him. Her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

Suddenly the hotel phone rang loudly into tense room. Erin and Jay both just stared at each other for a moment, startled by the distraction. Jay crossed the room in three quick strides and snatched the receiver up before the second ring could finish.

"Hello," he said.

Dawson's voice responded, "Your reservations were for five minutes ago. Why the hell aren't you guys down there? Get those mics online and get your asses down to the restaurant!"

….

"For the record, I think this is a bad idea." Jay stated ten minutes later as they stood side by side in the elevator, watching the doors slide shut.

"Jay!" Erin exclaimed, motioning to the wire hidden in her bracelet and the one in his belt buckle, wordlessly implying that the team was listening.

Jay just gave her a quick glance, and shrugged. "Exactly! I want it on the record that I don't like the idea of you being bait for a group of kidnappers and murderers."

Pursing her lips and raising her eyebrows, Erin gave Jay an irritated scowl.

He reached for her at that point, his hand gently grabbing the back of her neck and pulling her close. His head dipping down to whisper in her ear to hopefully not be heard by their team listening in through the wires.

"Be careful, Erin." His breath was warm on her sensitive ear; a shiver ran through her. Her awareness of him only increased when his hand, that had been gently resting on her neck, slid languidly down her bare back. Its slow rate telling Erin he was purposefully trying to get a reaction. His next words were so softly spoken, she knew the mic, hidden in her bracelet, couldn't even hear it, "I love you."

Before Erin could even react, his mouth slid across her cheek and was brushing against her own lips that had parted in surprise. Her body's natural response to all things Jay-related kicked in and her lips almost instinctively responded to the pressure of his lips. She got lost in the kiss for just a moment before her mind regained its senses, and she remembered where they were and all that was going on.

Erin pulled back and whispered against his lips, "We can't…"

"I don't care," Jay responded, and he leaned back in to try and recapture her lips.

Erin yanked herself away just as the elevator doors slid open, signaling they had reached the lobby. She hissed, "Well, I do care!"

Jay stood for a moment in the empty elevator as Erin angrily strode out. He guessed they wouldn't have any problem pulling off the unhappily married couple at this rate. He trailed Erin across the lobby and towards the short hallway where he knew the restaurant and bar were located. He lost sight of her briefly as she turned the corner. By the time he reached the entryway, Erin had already spoken to the hostess and was turned toward him tapping her foot impatiently.

"Nice of you to join us," she sarcastically threw out. "We almost missed our reservation." Jay just rolled his eyes, not bothering to respond. He figured a much put upon husband would probably ignore his wife's jabs at this point.

The hostess quickly seated them in the crowded restaurant, and within minutes their waiter had taken their drink order. Whenever any of the restaurant hotel staff were near, they engaged in angry or stilted conversation. It didn't take much effort. The topics of their conversations might have been false, but the emotion and irritation with each other didn't need to be manufactured.

The plan was for them to have an argument at the end of dinner, in which, Erin would stomp off in a huff to the bar, while Jay would head back up to the room. Their hope was that Erin might be approached by one of the staff or someone posing as a guest. They had theorized that someone would try and lure Erin out of the bar. As soon as that happened, the team was ready to pounce. They figured once they got one member of this obviously amateurish crew in custody, they'd easily be able to get the guy to roll over on the rest.

As they finished their meal, several times Jay knew Erin had tried to initiate an argument. Jay kept a stony silence, not quite ready to end the dinner. He had meant what he said in the elevator. He didn't like this plan. He was going to be upstairs 15 floors while Erin was dangled in front of some likely criminals like a prize. He knew that it was important for him to be seen heading back to his room, just in case someone was watching him, but he still didn't like the idea.

He could sense the obvious frustration coming from Erin at Jay's failure to get on board with the plan. Finally she could take it no more. Erin stood up, threw her napkin down. She announced to him loudly enough for half the restaurant to hear, "If you have no interest in me, maybe I will just go find someone who does!"

With that, she strutted across the darkened room to the small bar that was on the opposite side of the room. Jay had stood when she jumped up, and he watched her sadly as she walked away. Only partially was he play acting, he really was distressed to see her walk away. He slowly dropped back into his chair.

Almost sheepishly the waiter returned to the table, "Can I get you anything else, sir?"

Jay lifted his eyes to meet the gaze of the embarrassed waiter, and then he let them drift toward the direction of where Erin now sat at the crowded bar. "Yeah, I think I'd like a bottle of whiskey sent up to room 1502." He grabbed the bill that the waiter had discreetly placed at the edge of the table. Everything was being charged to the room, and therefore the CPD, so Jay scribbled a generous tip and snapped the leather folder shut. He stood and gave one more glance over his shoulder toward Erin, "Make sure my…my wife, gets whatever she needs."

At that, Jay strode from the hotel restaurant and headed towards the elevators. He fought the urge to figure out a way to double back and check on Erin or somehow make his way outside to where the team was sitting surveillance. The four or five minutes it took for him to make his way back to the room were torture. As soon as he made it into his room, he grabbed his suitcase, and pulled out his laptop. He also slid his ear bud out of his pocket, and into his ear. Within in seconds, he could hear the hum of the bar where he knew Erin sat.

"Hey, Mouse. I'm back in the room and online. Can you get me linked into the surveillance feed of the bar?"

Mouse confirmed and in under a minute, he could see the grainy footage of the bar. The quality was pretty low, but he knew that wasn't Mouse's fault. They'd tapped into the already existing security system which didn't have great coverage of the restaurant or bar. Actually the hotel had pretty poor surveillance overall. That was part of the original problem. There were too many blind spots which had allowed both previous victims to be removed from the hotel without witness.

Jay was able to spot Erin easily. Through his earbud, he could hear her talking casually to the bartender. Erin was questioning him about fun nightspots in the area. The bartender was leaning close to Erin, and he was showing clear interest. Erin was reciprocating and flirting with the young man. Jay felt the flare of jealousy. He knew it was just an act, but after watching Erin with her date the other night, those familiar feelings were resurfacing.

Suddenly there was a knocking at the door. "Damn!" Jay muttered. He had forgotten that he had requested a bottle of liquor to be sent up to the room. He slammed the laptop shut, and slid it under the bed pillows. He strode quickly toward the door. His hand was on the handle when he remembered his ear piece. He yanked it out and shoved it into his pocket before swinging the door open.

"Here you go, Mr. Harrison. Is there anything else we can get for you?" Jay angrily grabbed the bottle and slapped a twenty into the workers hand, before slamming the door shut. He didn't care about showing his ire. Mr. Harrison was supposed to be angry at his wife. If this guy went back to the kitchen or bar and spread it around, it just might get back to the right person. The sooner this case was over the better.

He dropped the bottle off on the end table, and then he pulled his laptop back out from its hiding place on the bed. Tapping his foot impatiently, he waited for the connection again. He searched his pockets for his ear piece and popped it back in. Tapping the small button, he waited what felt like an eternity. His ears sought out the sound of Erin's voice. Instead he heard chaos.

 **Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. More to come soon…. Let me know what you think!**


	17. Chapter 17

**I know a few readers are frustrated that I haven't been updating as often as I used to. I have just been really busy at work and haven't been home to write. Rest assured the story is planned out and will be finished eventually. I think I have 20 chapters planned in all. Just keep with me these last few weeks. I will try and get the chapters out quicker, but I don't want to risk quality.**

Jay sprinted down the hall, his heart beating out of his chest as he listened to the frantic shouts of his team. He slammed his hand onto the down button and paced the elevator area. For a moment, he contemplated just heading to the stairs, but he knew he was fifteen stories up. Running down the fifteen flights of stairs would take longer than waiting the twenty seconds for the elevator arrive. Time seemed to slow down as he tried to make sense of the communications he was hearing over the coms.

"She's not here-"

"The front's clear."

"Checking the bathrooms."

"Negative on the parking structure entrance."

"Find her. Now!"

The last transmission was from Voight, and Jay could hear the panic in his voice. Jay beat on the elevator doors, as if he could will the elevator doors to open sooner. Finally after about 45 seconds, but what felt like five minutes, the doors slid open. Jay ran in and was relieved to find the compartment empty. He punched the button to the lobby, and prayed there would be no stops along the way. Updates kept coming across his earpiece, and Jay was filled with dread as each one fulfilled his worst nightmares.

"Bathrooms are clear."

"Kitchens clear."

"Headed to the security office."

"Keep the perimeter tight around the hotel. Nobody leaves this place."

Jay had his hands pressed up against the elevator doors. His head down as he listened to the reports coming from his teammates. Where was Erin? How had they lost her? Minutes earlier she had just been sitting at the bar. Had someone approached her? Had she left? Jay felt the elevator slow to a stop and the second the metal doors started to part, he shouldered his way out and sprinted into the lobby.

Olinksy and Atwater were the first two he saw. Atwater was on his phone communicating the perimeter needs to someone. Olinksy put his hand on Jay's shoulder as soon as he approached.

"What the hell is going on?" Jay yelled. The lobby looked normal. People were crowded around the room, looking worried. It was clear that the patrons of the hotel knew something was going on by the sudden police presence, but they were unsure of what. Jay knew that the perimeter of the hotel was swarming with cops.

"Hey, hey, hey. Calm down. We will find her." Al tried to pacify Jay.

Jay brushed Al's hand off his shoulder in irritation. "What the hell happened?"

Olinsky steered Jay towards the bar and restaurant hallway. "Lindsay was sitting in the bar. She told us over the wire that she was going to head the restroom and for us to see if anyone followed her out or took interest in her leaving." He pointed to the entrance to the restroom. Jay knew it was a blind spot in the hotel surveillance. "We saw her leave the bar, but then we just heard her cry out, and then silence. That's when we entered."

Jay's mouth dropped open in shock. "Someone attacked her?"

Even though he had heard the team clear the restroom he still strode his way over to check the bathrooms, Lindsay's last known location. He pushed through the door marked ladies. There were three stalls and all were empty. There was a maintenance closet, in the corner, and Jay's heart paused for a moment as he approached and ripped open the door. It was empty except for cleaning supplies. He started to head back out, when he suddenly saw a flash of silver under the sink. Jay ducked under the counter and realized it was Erin's bracelet, the one with the mic hidden inside.

Jay ran back into the lobby with bracelet held in front of him like a prize. By this time, Voight had joined Olinsky and the two were arguing with an older man in a suit. Jay thought he was a hotel manager. Not caring, who they were talking to, he interrupted the conversation.

"Hey, this is Erin's mic. I found it under the sink in the woman's restroom."

Voight grabbed the chunky silver bangle from Jay and examined it closely. "It was just lying there?" He questioned Jay.

"Yeah. I don't know if she lost it in a struggle, or if she threw it there on purpose, so we'd know she was last in there."

The hotel manager, who had been standing there quietly stepped forward. "Or an intoxicated young lady dropped it when she was using the restroom."

Jay and Voight leveled him with deadly stares.

He looked immediately contrite, "I'm just saying the bartender said the girl was drunk."

"And I will repeat, she was undercover." Voight's voice was barely civil, and for a second, Jay wondered if Voight was going to give the hotel manager one of his infamous slaps, right there in the lobby of the hotel. Something in Voight's eyes must have caused the manager to see the error of his words. He immediately took a few steps back. Voight took a menacing step towards him.

"It's just that we were….we were…unaware that a police operation was occurring. If we'd kn-known, we could have assisted you in some way." He stuttered.

Voight leveled him with one of those looks that made you question if he was really one of the good guys, "Well, maybe we didn't tell you because we thought _you_ might be a part of it."

"Me?" squeaked the manager, paling slightly.

Voight narrowed his eyes and the weasel-like man. Jay knew they were wasting their time with the manager. They had thoroughly vetted him after the first two kidnappings and cleared him. Voight was just intimidating him because he could, not because it was going to get them any close to finding Erin.

Jay stepped forward. "Voight! We need to find, Lindsay. We don't have time for this."

Voight didn't take his eyes off the man. Jay figured he was contemplating smacking the guy just out of frustration at the whole scenario. Apparently Voight, too, decided it was a waste of time. He gave the man one last look, then turned to face Jay. "Get back up to your room. If they decide to contact us, you need to be there to receive the call!"

"No way," Jay countered. "I'm not sitting in some damn hotel room, when I should be out here searching for Erin!"

"No! You _need_ to do what I say."

Jay threw his hands up in frustration. "There is no way they didn't know this was a set up. A half dozen cops swarmed the lobby a minute after they took Lindsay. If this is a team, at least one of them saw what happened after. They aren't going to call for a ransom, knowing it's a cop."

"Doesn't matter. They might call for a trade or a warning." He took a step forward and allowed a moment to pass between the two men. They were the two most important men in Erin's life. They were the two people who loved Erin unconditionally. They were the ones who would do anything to get her back because _not_ getting Erin back wasn't even an option. "It's the only possible way we know they might communicate with us." Voight stared hard at Jay, and he could tell that he was struggling to keep it together just as much as Jay was.

Gritting his jaw in anger, Jay's head jerked in a nod and headed back to the bank of elevators. Voight watched him go, knowing Jay's concern and anger matched his own. He glanced back at Olinsky. "Get Burgess up there to keep an eye on Jay and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Why don't you get Mouse to set up his stuff in Jay's room as well. Maybe with the two of them there, Halstead might keep his head on his shoulders."

….

Jay paced the hotel room. Burgess and Mouse sat at the small table near the window while he walked back and forth across the room. Mouse had the video feed up and was searching the footage around the time of Erin's disappearance for any clue as to where she may have disappeared to. Jay wanted to be around the hotel searching for Erin, but Voight has insisted that Jay return to the room. Voight was still holding out the hope that the kidnappers might call the room. Jay felt that was not going to happen. If there were several people involved in crew, at least one of them had seen or heard about the cops arriving seconds after the kidnapping.

Jay just didn't understand where Erin had disappeared to. They had covered the parking structure, and they had people stationed at all 4 exterior sides of the hotel. Nobody had left during the time in which Erin had disappeared off screen. The only thing the team could come up with is that Lindsay was still somewhere in the hotel. Somehow the kidnapper had managed to hide Erin away somewhere on the premises.

Officers had been doing a systematic check of all areas of the hotel. Kitchens, maintenance halls, cleaning and laundry areas. So far….nothing. Mouse had been continuing to search for footage and to track the movements of anyone who was in the hotel lobby at that time. Unfortunately, there was a lot of people. A tour bus had arrived about fifteen minutes before it all went down, and the lobby had been full of arriving guests, milling around, waiting to be checked in. There was also a wedding reception in one of the ballrooms. People had been coming and going all night from the ballroom to the bar.

"How could they have got her out of here?" he questioned for the umpteenth time. He strode back over to where Mouse was scanning footage.

Mouse looked cautiously up at Jay. He knew his friend was hurting. He was scared, too. He couldn't imagine the fall out if something happened to Erin. Voight's daughter, Jay's…girl? The department would never be the same.

He stared intently at the screen. "I don't know. There must be a blind spot, a hallway, somewhere where they dragged her out."

"Where?" Jay demanded. "There just isn't anywhere. She just vanished."

"What if-" Mouse stopped his sentence as soon as the thought popped in his head.

Jay narrowed his eyes, "What if-what?"

Mouse shook his head. It was too horrendous to even imagine.

"Say it, Mouse! Any ideas would help at this point." Jay's eyes were pleading as he looked at his friend.

Mouse allowed his eyes to dart to the corner of the room where Jay and Erin's luggage was stored. He surveyed the size of the suitcases. It was unimaginable, but it was possible. "I was just wondering if they hid her. In a…in a…" He jutted his chin toward to suitcase. "In a bag."

Jay stared at Mouse incredulously. His heart stopped beating. He tried to envision Erin being rendered unconscious and then stuffed helplessly into a suitcase. His chest started heaving with panic. His face contorted into pain and grief.

Realizing that Jay was about to lose it, Burgess jumped up and grabbed Jay. He allowed her to wrap her arms around him, and he could no longer hold back the sobs that racked his body. Pulling him away a few steps from the table, Burgess looked at Mouse over Jay's shoulder. "Tell Voight."

….

An hour later, they had a suspect. Mouse had spotted a man coming down the elevator with his suitcase about twenty minutes before Erin had disappeared. Jay even realized he had passed the guy on his way back to the room after leaving the restaurant. Jay had assumed the guy was checking in or checking out. The man had been leaning against a pillar, playing on his phone, just around the corner from the restaurant. Just out of view of the cameras.

Alan Dockern. He was a local staying at the hotel, but that was about all they knew about him so far. He'd been one of the people in the lobby when the team had burst in. He'd blended in with the crowd of tourists. An officer had even interviewed him, and noted him as a registered guest of the hotel. He'd been allowed to return to his room after a time. Jay had stared long and hard at the footage that showed Alan Dockern standing in the lobby, his hand protectively never leaving the handle of his suitcase. The suitcase that they now suspected held the body of Erin Lindsay. The footage showed him reentering the elevator and then nervously exiting the elevator on the thirteenth floor.

Jay strapped his holster to his leg and readjusted the vest that Atwater had been kind enough to bring up to him. He checked his weapon, and then headed towards the hall, where the rest of the team was waiting. They had officers posted at either end of this guy's hallway, but no eyes on him. The hotel didn't have surveillance in the halls. Just the elevator and common areas.

Voight leveled him a look, "Are you sure you can handle this?"

Jay nodded, putting a cap on the rage that was boiling up on him. Truthfully, he didn't know if he could handle this, but there was no way he was going to sit out taking this guy down. At this point, the only thing that was keeping him sane was the fact that this group never had intended to kill the second victim. The wife had just had some sort of reaction to the drug they used to knock her unconscious. Jay held on to the idea that they'd find Erin in that hotel room. Alive. As for her captor. He didn't care. He hoped the guy pulled a gun on him, just so he'd have an excuse to shoot him.

Stealthily, the team made their way down the hall, approaching from both ends. Not even knocking, Atwater slid the key card the hotel manager had given them, the lights flashed green, then the sound of the lock disengaging was heard and within seconds the team had crossed the threshold. The room appeared empty at first sight, but the sliding glass door leading to the balcony was open. Ruzek headed straight outside, "Clear." They heard him call out.

Jay was checking the bathroom, when he heard a shout. He ran back out into the room, to see Olinsky lifting Erin's lifeless body from the area between the bed and a couch. Jay ran across the room. He reached out to touch her as Olinsky gently placed her onto the bed. Just as he was about to touch her cheek, he pulled his hand back.

"Is she-?" He couldn't form the words, his throat constricting. His hand was shaking so hard. Her face was pale, and her clothes were disheveled. She looked dead. She couldn't be dead!

Al was feeling for a pulse. He looked up at Jay stone faced, "There's a pulse, but it's weak."

Jay could hear Atwater calling for paramedics who'd they'd stationed down in the lobby. Relief spread through him. He crouched next to her on the bed, and gently caressed her cheek. Her skin was cold to the touch, but he could see the faint rise and fall of her chest.

"You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay." He whispered quietly to her. His hands continuing to stroke her face softly. "I love you. You have to be okay."

Suddenly Ruzek poked his head back from where he stood on the dark balcony. He motioned them out, his voice a quiet whisper. "Hey, I think the guy went out this way."

Instantly Jay and Voight were on the balcony. A series of balconies were along this level of the hotel with wavy wire railings. In the dark night sky, they could only see a few balconies back in either direction. Jay didn't see anything. Ruzek lowered his voice. "There's movement on the balcony, _directly_ under us."

Jay had his hands on the railing and was already preparing to lift himself over when Voight grabbed him from the back of the neck and yanked him towards the sliding door. He pushed him back in the room. Quietly he directed Ruzek and Atwater back onto the balcony. Both had their guns poised on the perimeter of the balcony in case there was any new movement.

Voight glared at him, then shot his eyes back to where Erin lay unmoving, Al clutching her hand as they waited for paramedics. "I'm not going to be the one to explain to her that you took a nosedive off a hotel balcony when she wakes up." Jay tensed, but after staring back at Erin for a minute he nodded.

"Okay, let's get down to that room." Dawson, Burgess, and Voight all headed towards the door. Jay lingered for just a heartbeat. He really wanted to stay with Erin. He needed to see that she was really okay. He glanced back at the door, then back to Erin.

Al looked at him with intense eyes. "I've got her. Go get the bastard that did this to her."

Giving him a sharp nod, Jay hurried out to catch up with the rest of the team, who had already made their way to the entrance of the stairwell. Quickly they made their way to the twelfth floor. They paused for a heartbeat at the door. Dawson motioned that he was going to open the door and Jay would head out first. Burgess would follow. Dawson silently counted down, and then they were creeping quietly down the carpeted hallway. They had only passed a handful of doorways, when suddenly they heard the sound of a door opening. A man stepped out of a room ahead of them, and he glanced their way. Jay recognized him instantly. It was their suspect.

"Stop!" He shouted out. The guy broke into a run, heading down the hallway. Jay took off after him, swearing as the guy turned the corner that led to the bank of elevators. Jay barely slowed as he turned the corner, his only thoughts were to get the guy.

When the first shot was fired, Jay didn't even truly comprehend what had happened. He heard the shot. He saw Alan Dockern standing in front of the elevators a gun pointed directly at him. It just didn't register that he'd been shot. He just kept moving forward, his only thought was apprehending the man who hurt Erin. The second shot he felt though. It knocked him back a step, and he suddenly felt as if the world was spinning in slow motion. He heard another series of gunshots, and even as he fell to the ground, he saw Dockern also drop to the floor. A sense of relief spread through Jay as the world went black.

 **Well, for the record, I don't really like this chapter. I have realized I hate writing action. I can't seem to write it how I envision it in my head. I think this concludes the action scenes though. I will stick to drama and dialogue in the future. Hopefully you were able to follow along on what I tried to show. Sorry to leave it as a cliffhanger again, but...I like them. Some of you should be happy. A lot of reviewers have been begging to have Erin or Jay get hurt. I hopefully fulfilled your wishes. Review please.**


	18. Chapter 18

Hank sat slumped next to Erin's hospital bed. He couldn't believe the disaster that this case had evolved into over the last few hours. It was hard to believe that just-he glanced at his watch to see what time it was, almost 2 a.m.-six hours ago the undercover operation had begun. Now two of his detectives were fighting for their lives. He tried to replay the operation in his head to figure out where it went wrong. He placed the blame firmly on his shoulders. He should have had someone else on the team in the bar with Erin after Halstead went upstairs. If not one of the guys, at least Burgess. Someone to be another set of eyes.

He had known there was a blind spot in the surveillance. That was why they didn't have footage of the original kidnappings. He should have had Mouse hook up some sort of temporary cameras. He should have had someone in that hallway. Hank shook his head in regret. Truly, he hadn't even believed the operation was going to work. What were the odds that their decoy couple would hit the radar of the suspects? He had assumed they would just spend a couple nights getting a better feel of the hotel staff and guests. Maybe come up with a new suspect. It was incomprehensible that Erin had actually fallen victim to the kidnapper. Let alone that Halstead had ended up getting shot by the asshole.

By the time he had turned the corner, Dawson and Burgess had both already fired upon Alan Dockern and Jay lay bleeding on the carpet. One of the bullets had entered in his upper part of his left arm. The second bullet had hit him in the exposed section between his neck and chest. That small section that is left unprotected by the vest. Hank didn't know if Alan was aiming for that, or if he just got off a lucky shot. They'd never know. Alan Dockern had died instantly from one of the shots Dawson or Burgess had got off.

With paramedics already one floor above treating Erin, they had called for help. Dawson had ripped off Jay's vest to try and get better access to the gun shot. Hank still could see the blood pooling around Jay's neck as it had spilled onto the carpet below him. He'd been unconscious since falling to ground, and they'd all been scared if he even had a chance. Within minutes, the paramedics had whisked him into the elevator. According to Antonio, they'd almost lost him on the way. He'd flat lined in the ambo on the way, but they'd been able to get his heart back going.

Erin had been in an ambulance right behind Halstead. Atwater had searched the hotel room and found a vial with the drug that they had injected her with. The doctors were able to treat her right away with the appropriate counter drugs. The last doctor who'd been in the room said that she could be expected to wake anytime in the next two hours. She was hooked up to a bunch of monitors, but the reassuring beep of them showed him that she was steady. The same couldn't be said of Halstead. Last he'd heard, they'd rushed him into the Operating Room. That'd been almost an hour ago.

He heard the quiet whoosh of the hospital door opening. Glancing up he saw Dawson walk in. He'd cleaned up his hands and arms that had been covered in Halstead's blood, but he still wore his shirt which was stained with blood. Looking at his face, Voight couldn't get a read. Was Antonio here to tell him that Halstead hadn't made it through the surgery? Hank just stared at Antonio, waiting.

Finally Antonio shrugged, "No word."

Voight let out a sigh, and turned his gaze back to Erin.

Antonio surveyed the scene. "When is she expected to wake up?"

Voight shrugged, "Anytime."

Antonio nodded and leaned against the all. They both just stayed in silence. Watching Erin as she breathed, listening to the beep of the monitors. After a few minutes, Antonio's phone buzzed. Glancing down, he grabbed it and stepped outside into the hallway. Voight contemplated following him, but knew that Dawson would update him with whatever was going on. He didn't want to leave Erin. As much as they had fought and struggled with their own relationship this past year, he loved her like a daughter. They might not be related by blood, but he had helped raise her into the woman she was. It was a woman he was proud of. She may have had her difficulties throughout the years, but she was someone he was proud to call his daughter.

Antonio slipped back into the room. Voight stood up and met him at the base of the bed.

"Homicide has taken over for now. They've got a few guys searching Dockern's history to find out who he's connected to at the hotel. His cell phone had a bunch of numbers in it. They've got people trying to connect them to any of the hotel employees. "

Voight tightened his lips. He didn't like that another unit was taking over, but there was no way that he would be leaving Erin's side anytime soon. He knew the rest of the unit was waiting on the surgery level for word on Jay. No one in his unit was in any condition to investigate this crime at the moment. Not with two of their own down. Maybe tomorrow after they had news on Jay and had regrouped.

"At least the son of a bitch is dead. If he wasn't dead, I'd want to kill him into a slow death." Voight spit out.

Dawson didn't say anything in response. It had been his bullet to kill the guy. Not that he thought it wasn't a clean kill. It was. Dockern had been firing on officers. Their lives had been in danger. Jay had been shot. Dawson knew he had made the right decision, but he never took a life lightly. They both fell into silence one again. Each lost in thought of the events of the night.

"Why don't you see if you can hunt down Dr. Halstead and get an update on Jay. When Erin wakes up I want to be able to tell her if he's…" Voight swallowed thickly. "I want to tell her he's alright."

Dawson looked at him seriously, "And if he's not alright?"

Voight didn't answer, just leveled him with a look. Antonio pushed himself off the wall and headed out the door. Voight sat back at Erin's bedside, pulling a chair up close. His eyes focused on the steady rise and fall of her chest. Waiting

….

Erin was swimming through the dark, cold water. It was so dark she couldn't quite see the surface. She kicked and moved her arms against the water. The water seemed too thick, not like normal water. She could feel her lungs start burning as she tried to get to the surface. Suddenly she gasped as she reached the surface. Her eyes were blinded by the sudden bright light.

"Ahhh!" She let out a cry and she shielded her eyes from the bright light. Confusion set in as she felt tubes attached to her arms and fingers.

"Calm down, Erin. You're okay." She heard Hank's deep voice nearby.

"It's so bright." She croaked out. Her voice dry and hoarse.

He must have turned off some lights because the room instantly dimmed and Erin could see the shadow of Voight as he approached.

"What's wrong with my eyes? Why can't I see right?" There was panic in Erin's voice.

Hank tried to sooth her, stroking her hand. "It's just a reaction to the drugs. They said you might have some side effects. Your eyes are just really dilated. They should start going back to normal soon."

Erin's panicked breathing started to return to normal, she still clutched at his hand. "What drugs? What happened?" She searched her memory, but everything seemed fuzzy.

Hank stared at her in worry, "What do you remember?"

Erin closed her eyes to avoid her blurred vision. It was making her nauseous. In her mind she had flashes of her and Jay. Kissing and laughing at her apartment. "I remember being with Jay at my place." She scrunched up her forehead as she tried to clear the grogginess from her mind. "I think we went to a hotel, maybe? I remember being on an elevator." She opened her eyes and tried to focus on Hank. "What happened? Were Jay and I out and something happened? An accident?" Erin didn't seem to feel any major injuries on her body, but she did ache all over. Maybe they'd been in a car accident?

Suddenly Erin had a thought, "Where's Jay? What happened to Jay?"

"Shhh…Shhhh….Calm down. You'll hurt yourself." Erin had started pulling at the IV's and monitors in an attempt to get up. Her movement sent the machines ringing, and within seconds one of the nurses had rushed in. She stopped when she realized Erin was awake and alert.

Voight stepped back from the bed as the nurse took vitals and reattached Erin's monitor. The nurse adjusted the bed, so Erin could sit up more comfortably. She murmured a few reassurances and told Erin that a doctor would be in soon.

After she left, Erin looked Hank with narrowed eyes. Hank could tell, even from across the room, that her vision was becoming clearer. She was looking at him with that pissed-off-you-better-tell-me-the-truth look. Her voice was low, "What happened, Hank?"

He came forward and sat back in his chair that he had vacated when the nurse came in. "You and Halstead were on a case. Undercover. He had you set up in a hotel. You were…taken…from one of the restrooms in the lobby."

Erin's state of agitation rose again at his words, "Taken? What do you mean taken?" Erin racked her brain as she tried to recall what Voight was telling her.

"We don't actually know. You went to the ladies bathroom, and then disappeared. We found you two hours later in a different hotel room." Voight leaned in close and stroked her hair. "You are fine though. They injected you with something and you were just unconscious. It doesn't seem like you were injured in any way." Hank could feel small tremors of fear vibrating through Erin's body. He couldn't imagine the terror of not knowing what had happened to you. To have a blank spot where your memory should be.

"Where's Jay?" Erin asked. "Why isn't he here?" She demanded. Erin's memory might be a little hazy, but she knew that Jay should be here with her. Jay would never leave her if she was in the hospital. He was such a worrier when it came to stuff like that. Noting that Hank was suddenly avoiding her eyes, she gripped his arm, "What happened to him?"

Hank let out a deep sigh. "He was shot while taking down the guy who did this to you."

Erin gasped, "Is he-?

"He's in surgery." He gripped Erin's hands and brought them to his lips and gave them brief kiss. The gesture was so unlike Hank that Erin felt tears rise in her eyes. "I'm not going to sugar coat it, Erin. It's serious. He got one in the upper arm and one in the neck area. He's been in surgery for a while."

Tears started rolling down Erin's cheeks as the reality of what had happened hit her. She couldn't believe that Jay had been shot. "Is Will here? Has Will seen him? I want to talk to Will." She announced, sniffing the tears away.

Voight nodded, "I'll try and find him. You need to try and relax and wait for your own doctor to get in here and check you out. If you want to see Jay when he's out of surgery, you are going to need to get the all clear from your doc."

Erin nodded and wiped away a few stray tears. Her voice was tight. "Find Will for me. Please."

Hank got up from his chair and headed towards the door. As soon as he had walked away, he saw Erin roll over to her side into a ball. He could see her shoulders shaking with sobs. He hesitated on leaving her like this, but he decided to give her a few moments of privacy.

….

Will poked his head into Erin's room. It was about 7 a.m. He had dropped by late last night, or more accurately early this morning, to update her on Jay's status. He'd still been in surgery, but the nurses had said the surgery had been going well. He had told Erin that there was no chance she was going to get to see Jay last night and that she just needed to get some rest. After a lot of complaining, Erin had reluctantly agreed to try and sleep until morning. Will had promised to let her know if anything changed. Will had ended up crashing out in the surgical lounge waiting for updates. He nodded off for about an hour, until one of the nurses had woken him with an update. Jay was out of surgery and in recovery. Will had been monitoring him all morning, and he seemed in critical but stable condition. Now he needed to catch a few hours of sleep. He thought he'd update Erin before he found a couch to crash out on.

Even though he'd been quiet, she must have heard the rustle of the door. She rolled to her back and looked at him through the dim light. Seeing it was Will, she immediately sat up. "What's wrong? What's happened?" Her voice rough from sleep.

Will stepped fully into the room, "Nothing! He's fine. He's in recovery. He's been out of surgery for a few hours. " He saw Erin let out a sigh of relief.

"Is he really okay?" She still looked doubtful.

Will gave a slight nod, "He's stable. They repaired a nicked artery in his neck, and he has a slight injury to his trachea." He gave Erin a slight smile. "Jay's a fighter. He will be fine."

Erin sat up a bit. "You saw him?"

Will nodded again. "Yeah, he's still out, but his stats are good."

"When will he wake up?" she inquired.

Will shrugged, "Sometime this morning. Maybe this afternoon. It's hard to tell in these kind of situations."

"I want to see him." Erin announced.

Will shook his head. "You can't. Not yet. He's still in critical condition, right now. Plus you need to get yourself better first."

Erin made a face. "I'm fine. I want to see Jay. I _need_ to see him."

Will glanced at the clock on the wall. "Maybe in a few hours, I can wheel you over there. Just for a peek though."

Erin looked at him in desperation, "Will, you don't understand. The last things I said to him were in anger. We were fighting, and I didn't want to listen to his him." Throughout the night, her memories had been drifting back. The effects of the drugs had worn off and she had remembered their weekend together. Reuniting and making love all day. She also remembered the hurt. It didn't matter anymore though. She wasn't mad. She just wanted to see him, touch him, be with him, and tell him that she loved him. "Please. Just for a moment."

Will looked at her hesitantly. He knew Jay and Erin had issues. They both seemed undeniably drawn to each other. Neither seemed to be able to stay apart from each the other. Will knew his brother was in love with Erin. He thought Erin was pretty in love with Jay, too. According to Jay though, she seemed to push against happiness. Will was aware of the some of the difficulties the last year. Will knew that if the roles were reversed, there would be nothing Jay wouldn't do to be by Erin's side.

"Okay, I'll get a chair and take you to see him. Just for a minute though. I mean it!"

Erin frowned, "I don't need a wheel chair."

"My ass is on the line. My rules." Will gave Erin a stern look.

Not willing to risk the opportunity, Erin agreed. With one of Will's conditions being that he wouldn't take her until her doctor checked on her again, it was almost another 40 minutes before Erin found herself being wheeled into ICU.

She sucked in a breath when she saw Jay for the first time. He was hooked up to machines that were helping him breath. His neck, shoulder, and throat were all covered with thick bandages. He looked to pale and fragile. She tried to hide a sob, but one escaped.

Will looked down at her, "I knew this was a bad idea." He stopped the forward movement of the wheelchair, and Erin could tell he was about a second away from wheeling her out of there.

Erin sniffled and wiped a few tears from her eyes. Her voice was broken, "No- I can handle this. I can do this."

Will looked doubtful, but he pushed Erin towards the edge of the bed. Awkwardly, she reached out for Jay's hand. She nervously touched it, unsure if she might hurt him. She was surprised that his hand was warm. It gave her hope. Warm blood was pumping though his blood and heart. She swallowed thickly, then she glanced up at Will.

Realizing that she wanted a few moments, Will walked to the door. "Five minutes, Erin. I'll be right outside."

Once she was alone, Erin rose from the wheelchair and moved herself next to the bed. She sat gingerly on the edge, not wanting to bump any of the tubes or wires that were connected to Jay. She gently reached out and stroked her hand against his forehead. It was one of the only areas on his face and neck not touched by medical equipment or bandages.

"You need to be okay, Jay. We have so much to talk about. We have so much to do." She allowed her hand to drift from his face to his chest and settled on his right hand. She took it into hers, and she marveled at the size of his. She'd never noticed how long and strong his hands looked next to hers. She tried to remember the last time they held hands. She squeezed his hand and looked up at his face, hoping for some sort of reaction. His eyes remained closed, and all she heard was the thump and hiss of the machine that was helping him breathe.

"We just found each other again. I am sorry that I messed stuff up between us for so long. You've always been by my side. Through all the rough times, you never gave up on me. I am sorry if you ever thought I had given up on you." She felt tears fall down her cheeks, and she wiped at them ineffectively.

"I always loved you, I just was afraid. I didn't know how to be with you. I was afraid of hurting you." She looked at him sadly, "But you didn't care. You still loved me." She cried quietly and laid her head against his arm and chest. "And I still love you… always."

 **Thanks for sticking with me readers. I know I have only been updating on the weekends. I am hoping that will change soon. I've still got a bit more story to tell. I appreciate the kind reviews from everyone. I had a hard time with this part as I have no medical knowledge whatsoever. I tried to leave it vague rather than get something wrong. Thanks for reading.**


	19. Chapter 19

Erin rushed from her car and raced into the hospital as quickly as she could. By passing the sign in area with a quick flash of her badge. She headed straight to the elevator and impatiently pushed the up button. Twenty minutes ago, she had got a text from Will that Jay had woken up. It had been a heart breaking week. An infection had set in and Jay had undergone another surgery. Erin had already been discharged and had spent every waking moment by Jay's side. They'd had him in a medically induced coma to fight the fever and infection. Finally, yesterday, Voight had insisted that Erin return to work. At least for a few hours. She'd put in a half day yesterday afternoon before returning to Jay's side. This morning she had promised to work until lunch, but then had planned to return back to the hospital at lunch. She'd only been down at the precinct for about two hours when she'd got the text from Will. She'd rushed out of there without even a word to anyone.

The elevator finally arrived, and Erin was disappointed when two other people joined her on the elevator. Both got off before her stop and Erin felt like time was standing still as she waited to finally reach the sixth floor. It probably would have been faster to take the stairs. The doors finally slid open and she raced out, past the desk area and to the room where Jay had taken residence for the last week. She flew into his room and then halted. It was already occupied.

A nurse and doctor were both in there talking and checking on Jay. Will also hovered at the end of Jay's bed. All three stopped and stared as Erin burst through the door. She didn't pay any attention to any of them, her eyes just searching out for Jay. A gasp of relief flooded through her, almost a sob, as she saw Jay partially sitting up, eyes open and staring at her with a slightly confused look on his face.

She rushed forward, but Will put out a hand to hold her back, "Wait, Erin. They just removed his tube. They need to check him out."

Even though she didn't want to, Erin stayed back at the foot of the bed while the doctor and nurse were examining his surgical wounds and bandages. Jay's eyes were fixated on her the whole time. They were both just staring at each other. Not willing to look away.

"Erin!" Will touched her arm, breaking the contact. She looked up at him annoyed. She suspected he'd called her name a few times. "He's not going to be able to talk for a while. There was damage to his trachea and while it is healing, they aren't going to allow him to talk. Not to mention the damage from where the bullet was removed."

Dr. Lin turned and gave them both a nod from where he stood at Jay's bedside. "That's right. No using his voice for at least a week. We need everything to heal inside there. Especially after that infection. Too much strain on the vocal box could cause permanent damage. We will get a tablet in here for you to communicate with in a bit." He gave a stern look to Jay and after a few more instructions left.

Now that the doctor was gone, Erin hesitated. Her eyes roamed Jay's face and body looking to make sure everything really was intact. Finally, she met his eyes. They were looking at her intently. He motioned for her to come near. Erin could feel tears of relief stinging the back of her eyes as she took a few brief steps towards him. Despite her joy at him being awake… alive…she couldn't forget the harsh words that she had thrown at him before the operation. Maybe he was upset at her?

Jay cleared that all up, when he lifted his hand and reached out for her. His eyes wide and fixed on her, she could read the look in his eyes. He wanted to touch her, just as much as she wanted that connection. She finished the final few steps to take her to his side, grasping his hand and carefully leaning down. She awkwardly embraced him, careful not to jostle him or disturb his bandages. Will pulled a chair up next to the bed, and Erin gratefully sat in it. Her hands and eyes not leaving Jay's.

"I'll go see if I can find a tablet or notebook for you to communicate with. Don't try and talk, Jay." His brother gave him an annoyed look, as Will walked out of the room.

Erin ran her fingers along his face, smiling a bit at the stubble a week of no shaving had produced. She gently stroked his cheek. "Hi," she whispered. "I've been missing you this week. Waiting and wanting to talk to you all week."

Jay managed a small smile at her, but he tilted his head in confusion. He held up a few fingers, and Erin realized he was uncertain how long he had been in the hospital.

"Seven days. You've been gone from me for seven days." Erin shook her head sadly, "I was so scared, Jay. They said you were going to be okay, and then suddenly you weren't. There was an infection and a fever. You had to have surgery again." She felt tears slip down her cheeks, "You were supposed to wake up…but you didn't." Erin had spent days just sitting by his side. Talking to him, telling him stories, sharing memories, and reading to him. It had been torture to watch him lie so still not hearing his infectious laughter or seeing his intense blue eyes. She'd been filled with so much regret. Why had they ever wasted time apart, when their time together could so easily be put to an end?

Jay reached up with his good arm and wiped a few tears away. He shook his head a fraction and motioned for her to stop crying. His eyes were soft and sad. She could see him mouth the word, "Stop…"

Erin let out a shaky breath, "I just needed to you to be okay. I can't live without you. I don't ever want to be without you. I love you." Jay's eyes crinkled a bit at her words. He tilted his head a bit, a quizzical look on his face. Erin wasn't sure what the look was for. Did he not believe her? Did he not believe that she loved him?

"I'm sorry for the past two months. I never meant for any of this to happen. All those months ago, when I walked away from you. I just thought it would be easier for the both of us if we…if we were apart."

Jay's eyes grew serious. His face grim. He gave a slight shake of his head. Erin knew exactly what he was trying to say. It definitely was not easier being apart from each other. She'd been miserable. He'd been miserable.

"I know the truth now." She gripped his hand with both of hers. "We are stronger together." She nervously looked up into his eyes, hoping he would agree with her. "It's not weakness to need someone to lean on. It's just part of us being together."

….

Erin slowly walked up the stairs to Intelligence. She was so exhausted. After barely sleeping and being so stressed for the past week, she needed to actually get a full night's sleep. The room was practically empty. She could see Hank still working in his office and Mouse looked up from his desk by the stairs as she walked by. He sat up a little straighter, "How is he? I was going to head over in a bit."

Erin smiled at that. She was glad Jay wouldn't be alone this evening. She'd been by his side all afternoon, but as evening had approached, he had insisted she go get some dinner and then go to bed. He'd been wheeled around for tests, examined by multiple doctors, and swore he just wanted to sleep throughout the night, too. Erin had wanted to stay the night, but Will and Jay had both vetoed her. Will had brought in his ipad for Jay, and while he had to manipulate it one handed due to the injury in his left arm, he could text or write with a stylus on it. Jay had written ' _Go Home.'_ He had done it with a smile and eyes full of concern for her. As usual, even with him being the one in the hospital, his focus was on her being okay. With love in her eyes, she had reluctantly left.

"You should head out. Jay will be excited to see you." Erin said.

Mouse nodded at the computer screens in front of him, "Yeah, the DA wants some of this video footage ASAP, so I am just trying to put together a highlights reel for him tonight." The case against the remaining members of the kidnapping crew was going forward, and the team wanted there to be no loopholes in the case.

Curious, Erin leaned against the edge of Mouse's desk. "I want to see it. I haven't seen anything from that night."

Mouse looked doubtfully up at her, "Are you sure? It's kind of…creepy." He wasn't quite sure how he'd feel about watching his own kidnapping. Looking at the stubborn set of Erin's face, he went ahead and clicked on a button. "Ummm….okay, what do you want to see?" Deciding to pick a rather benign scene, he clicked on surveillance video that showed Erin and Jay eating dinner in the hotel restaurant. He pointed to the corner of the video. "Here you can see your waiter, after serving you guys, was texting someone. We were able to confirm that he sent a text to Alan Dockern."

Erin nodded. She had been surprised to find out that their waiter had been in on the crime. What were the odds that they were seated in the section of this waiter? Had they not sat there, they might not have ever caught the crew and somebody else could have fell victim to these guys. Then again, Jay wouldn't have spent the last week fighting for his life.

"Do you have footage of Dockern?" Erin questioned curiously.

Mouse clicked on a folder marked 'Elevator Footage' and several screenshot popped up. She noticed that one of them was of her and Jay when they were riding the elevator down to dinner. Recalling what had gone on in the elevator, she blushed slightly. She realized that the team must have all watched that footage, including Hank. Damn, Jay, for not being able to keep his hands and lips to himself. She liked the memory though. Jay whispering 'I love you' to her had been a constant recollection this week while she had sat vigilantly by his bedside.

Fortunately, Mouse clicked on a different screenshot, and a video of who Erin knew to be Alan Dockern started playing. The video showed him entering the elevator on the thirteenth floor pulling a large black rolling suitcase. He checked his phone twice during the short ride to the lobby. Then he exited.

Erin scrunched her nose in disgust a bit at seeing this man. He looked so normal. Not menacing, not evil. He just looked like an average businessman in town for conference like so many others. Erin watched as Mouse closed out the video.

"Where's the footage of him taking me upstairs?"

Mouse looked up at Erin with wide eyes. "You don't want see that."

Erin furrowed her brow, "Yes, I do."

Mouse hesitated, the arrow of his mouse lingering over the link.

"Click it, Mouse." Erin said. "I want to see how this guy got me upstairs without anyone realizing I was drugged."

Something in the way she phrased it caused Mouse to hesitate once again, "Uhh, Erin, you know that you were…I mean, nobody saw…"

"Just click it, Mouse." Erin demanded.

Not really one to argue, Mouse clicked the link. The footage showed the lobby elevator. Several people entered all at once. Erin saw Dockern and several other hotel guests. A couple holding hands and two other businessmen. All looked concerned and agitated. Erin was confused. Where was she? Voight hadn't given her any details, but just said that she had been drugged and then taken back to Dockern's room. She had expected to see herself unconscious or semiconscious. She had assumed that he had brought her up somehow in the elevator looking like she was drunk or passed out. Looking at the video though, she clearly isn't in the footage.

Confused, she motioned for Mouse to pause the video, "Wait. Did he use the stairs to get me up to his room, and then double back?"

Realizing that Erin was unaware Dockern had stuffed her into a suitcase, Mouse became flustered. "I don't think I'm the one who is supposed to tell you this stuff." His gaze darted over to where Hank's office light was on, but the door was closed. "Maybe Voight should talk to you more about this. Or Jay. You can ask Jay… or call Antonio." Mouse's eyes were almost desperate. "Call anyone. Just. Not. Me."

Erin leveled Mouse with her most determined look. The look that had got her confessions from more hardened men than Mouse. "Clearly, none of them want me to know the truth." She gave a narrowed eyed glare at Voight's closed door. "He's had a week to tell me what went down. All he said is they found me up in Dockern's hotel room a few hours later." Erin now realized that the story had some holes in it. She had been so distracted by Jay's condition that she hadn't barely given any thought to how things must have gone down that night. Now she realized that something more must have happened for Mouse to be more twitchy and evasive than normal.

Mouse stared at her a moment longer. He'd want to know the truth. Letting out a brief sigh he motioned to video screen. His voice low, he murmured, "You're in there."

Erin's face showed her confusion. "Where? I don't see…" Her voice trailed off as she realized where Mouse was pointing on the screen. Her mouth dropped open in shock. "In the suitcase?" She said incredulously.

Mouse gave a slight nod. "We couldn't figure out any other way that you might have disappeared. Then Dockern popped up on our radar, and we were able to determine that you might have been… maybe you were… in there."

Erin felt her blood pressure increase. Her heart was beating rapidly, and she could feel panic set in. She tried to search her memory for any recollection that support Mouse's assertion. She could only remember waking up in the hospital muscles aching. She had thought it was a side effect of the drugs, but had it been a result of being twisted into an unnatural position and placed in a suitcase?

Rage filled her, and she pushed away from Mouse's station and strode quickly over to Voight's door. Not bothering to knock, she threw the door open.

"I was stuffed in a suitcase, and you didn't feel the need to tell me!" She yelled at Voight.

Voight looked up in surprise as she entered. He'd been on the phone, "I'll call you back." He murmured to whomever he was speaking with. He gave Erin an indifferent look. "Come on in."

Slamming the door behind her, she stalked over to his desk. Too upset to sit, she stood with her hands on his desk leaning over. "How could you not tell me, Hank?" Suddenly overcome with emotion, her face contorted in pain. Exhausted and overcome with the emotion of the week, Erin dropped into one of Hank's chairs. She dropped her head into her hands and tried to keep the tears at bay.

Leaning forward in his chair, Hank gave her a moment to compose herself. "This is exactly why." Erin's tear-stained face looked up at him in disbelief. "You have been tearing yourself apart this week, trying to be strong for Halstead. I didn't want to throw anything more at you."

Erin shuddered briefly, "They stuffed me in a suitcase and dragged me into a hotel room. What else…?" She just stopped. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know if any other horrors had occurred in that hotel room.

Hank stopped her right there, "Nothing else happened, Erin. The doctors checked you out thoroughly. There was no assault or any sort of markings on your body. You weren't….nothing more happened." He repeated.

Erin let out a shaky breath. "Okay." Then she looked Hank in the eyes, "Does Jay know? Did he know what had happened?"

Hank snorted, "Yeah, and he about lost his mind. How do you think he got shot? He wasn't thinking straight and burst around a corner into a murderer's line of fire. At one point he tried to scale the outside of the hotel to get to this guy." He smirked a bit at Erin, "The guy has a pretty big crush on you, kid."

Erin gave him a watery smile, "Well, I've got a pretty big crush on him, too." She felt a bit silly calling what she felt for Jay a crush, but she knew that Voight wasn't interested in discussing her love and passion for Jay. Settling back, she listened as Hank retold the events of the night in more detail.

…..

It was almost midnight when Erin pushed the hospital door open. She tried to be as stealthy as she could, but Will shifted in his chair as she entered and looked over at her. "Hey," he greeted her groggily.

Erin padded quietly over to the bed and examined Jay's sleeping form. He looked relaxed in his sleep. Still hooked up to a few machines that were monitoring him, but he definitely looked better.

She gave Will an apologetic smile, "Sorry. I just couldn't keep away. I needed to be here."

Will nodded and rose from his chair, motioning for Erin to sit in it. "That's fine. I have to work tomorrow, so I could probably use to sleep a few hours in a real bed. I will be back in the morning."

Erin nodded thankfully at him, and watched him leave before settling in next to Jay. She tried to resist touching him, not wanting to wake him, but her fingers inched out and ghosted down his arm and hand. Jay became aware of her presence, and his eyes fluttered open. He gave her a sleepy smile, then opened his hand to grasp hers in his still strong hand. Then, his eyes fell back shut.

Erin smiled. This is what she needed. At home, she had tossed restlessly for a few hours, but couldn't relax. Images of the kidnapping, worries about Jay, they all just kept her mind racing. All she had needed was to see Jay. Already she felt more comfortable. She adjusted the pillow that Will had placed in the chair, settling in as much as she could, her hand wrapped up with the man she loves. Within minutes she drifted into the first night of real sleep in a week.

 **I hope you enjoyed this part. I kind of fast forwarded through both of their recovery time. I wanted to get back to them working on their relationship. As you can probably figure out, the end is near. I have two more chapters planned, maybe three at the most if I decide to split up one of them into shorter parts. Enjoy! Review with any feedback or with ideas for the conclusion of this story. I love hearing from everyone.**


	20. Chapter 20

**I truly apologize for the delay in updating. I lost some motivation for a while, and since life was pretty busy I just didn't put a priority on writing. But I am back! Summer is here, and I have lots of spare time and feel pretty motivated. I plan to finish up this story and I have plans for another. Thank you to all who have stuck by me and are still interested in this fic.**

Erin padded around Jay's apartment. Getting his meds set up next to the sink. Laying the doctor's instructions on the kitchen table.

She opened the fridge and let out a sound of disgust, "Ughh! We are going to have to clean this out. Everything is rotten."

Jay silently laughed. He held up two fingers and mouthed the words, " _Two weeks_." Erin grabbed a large trash bag from under the sink. She dumped a bunch of take-out containers that she didn't even want to bother opening, straight into the black plastic bag. She wrinkled her nose as she poured out some milk into the sink and threw the container away. Jay held the bag open while she dumped in old vegetables and rotten fruit.

By the time they were finished, the bag was bulging. Jay bent to pick it up, but Erin slapped his hands away. "You are not to do any heavy lifting."

Jay rolled his eyes, and threw up his arms. He gave her look that clearly stated he could handle carrying a garbage bag.

"It's heavy." Erin stated. "The doctor said no heavy lifting until he cleared you."

Erin picked up the bag and headed towards the door. She glanced out the window as she did, and she noted the sun had fallen and it was dark out. Her stride faltered a bit. Her hand on the door. "On second thought, let's go grab some fresh groceries, too."

Jay had just plopped himself down on the couch. Despite his assertion that he was doing fine and could handle things on his own, the exertion from checking out of the hospital, getting back to his apartment, and cleaning out the fridge had exhausted him. He looked up at Erin with an uninterested look on his face. He was surprised to see her gaze fixated on the dark window outside his living room. She had an odd look on her face. If Jay didn't know her better, he'd say she looked scared. Jay was confused. What could Erin be scared about? A thought creeped at the back of his mind. Not wanting to cause her any more stress, he pushed himself off the couch and grabbed his keys.

After dumping the trash bag full of food, they made their way to corner market. Jay had always felt lucky he had a decent market only a block and a half from his apartment. Since he wasn't too much of a cook, he was usually able to just grab a six pack of beer, some snacks, and a few basics. It was a warm evening, and Jay didn't mind the walk on a nice night like tonight. Especially after Erin looped her arm in his and snuggled up close to him. They strolled at a fairly slow pace as a concession to Jay's injuries. Jay noted that while Erin presented herself as intimately and casually walking with him, he could sense a tenseness to her shoulders. She kept looking around as they walked. Jay knew that Erin was definitely feeling uneasy. Truthfully, he didn't blame her. Whether or not she remembered it, Erin had been through a traumatizing experience. Jay suspected she must be experiencing some post-traumatic stress. Erin had mentioned that she stopped by Dr. Charles's office earlier that morning. Jay hoped she had opened up with the doctor. Jay hoped she would open up with him, too. He wanted to be there to support her.

Jay cursed his stupid injury. He hated that he couldn't just talk to her about what he was thinking. One more week of silence. He knew he had his voice back, but the doctor insisted that if he started talking too early, he could rupture his stitches or damage the healing wound on his trachea. As they strolled the aisles of the market, he also dreaded another week of a liquid diet. He could include a few soft foods, but mainly he was still on liquid meals. Erin was throwing in the handbasket a bunch of fruits and veggies that Jay knew she was going to puree into smoothies. Jay wandered down the ice cream section and grabbed a pint. By the time he found Erin again, she had added some pasta, oatmeal, milk, rice, and a few other soft foods. Jay was actually impressed with her choices. She had thought of several soft items that he hadn't imagined. They paid for their purchases and made their way back to Jay's apartment. In the market, Erin had been chatty and upbeat, but once they were outside again, she tensed up all over again. Jay tried to hide his worry from her, but he could see her give him furtive looks every few minutes as if she was gauging whether or not he had noticed her unease.

Once they had returned to the apartment and put the food away, Jay decided he wanted to see if she would open up to him. He grabbed the tablet and stylus he'd been using all week and scribbled out a message. _Are you remembering the kidnapping?_ He held it up to her.

Erin was startled by the question for a moment, and Jay could see alarm cross her face for a brief second. Then she forced a cheerful smile onto her face. "I'm fine." She grabbed his arm and led him over to the couch and gently pushed him down. She stood above him the false smile still on her face. "You need to rest. Do you want a blanket?"

Jay narrowed his eyes at her. Typical Erin, avoiding the question and hiding how she was really feeling. Not wanting to let her off the hook, he held up the message again. _Are you remembering the kidnapping?_

Erin looked at Jay's face. His eyes were looking at her with both frustration, sadness, and caring. Erin let out a shaky breath. She sank slowly down onto the couch next to Jay. She thought back to her conversation earlier that morning with Dr. Charles.

She had knocked on the doctor's door early that morning. Jay had been expected to be released at some point that day, but Erin had known it would probably be hours before the doctors actually signed everything off. It hadn't stopped her from arriving at the crack of dawn. But instead of making her way to his room, something had pulled her to the psychiatrist's door.

"Erin!" He exclaimed in surprise. "I didn't expect to see you this morning." He opened his door and gestured for her to come in.

Erin looked around the room uncomfortably, noting a coffee cup with steam still coming from the top. Erin assumed he must have just arrived at his office. "Sorry, to drop by unannounced. Jay's getting out today, and I just…I don't know. I was just thinking about some stuff. Thought maybe I'd stop by."

Dr. Charles took a seat at his desk, and Erin gingerly sat down at one of the chairs opposite him. Her hands in her lap, twisting with nerves.

Dr. Charles began, "I heard about what you two went through." Erin's eyes flew up to meet his in surprise. "Doctors, nurses, there's a lot of gossip around here. Especially when it is the brother of one of our own." Erin nodded understandingly. He continued, his voice softening, "I'm happy to see you both came out of this tragedy. It seems like it was probably a harrowing experience. "

Erin swallowed dryly. "Yeah. It was…close." She let her eyes drift around the room. She had come to maybe talk about what was on her mind, but she was having a hard time deciding where to start. "Did people say- did you hear about-" She let out a quick breath. "Did you hear about the suitcase?"

Dr. Charles tilted his head questioningly, "No. What suitcase?"

Erin felt the small office seem to get smaller as her mind tried to piece together what she remembered and what she had been told. She honestly didn't remember much. She wondered at this point if she ever would. "I was drugged and stuffed in a suitcase." She stated plainly.

She saw the surprise cross the doctor's face. "Oh. No, I didn't hear that."

She acknowledged his shock with a shrug of her shoulders and a quick nod. "Yeah."

Erin glanced down at her hands that lay tightly clenched in her lap. She allowed the doctor a minute to process what she had told him. It was hard to believe. She still didn't believe it, despite having watched the video and having talked with Mouse and Voight.

"How are you dealing with this, Erin?"

Erin pursed her lips in annoyance. "I'm not. I don't actually even remember any of it. I was in the restroom, checking to see if anyone was showing an interest in me, when I was…attacked." She wasn't quite sure how to phrase it. "I briefly remember a struggle, and then the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital and Jay had been shot." She threw up her hands in frustration.

"Okay," said Charles, there was an expectant sound to his voice, like he expected her to continue to talk.

She continued, "And there is nothing to really deal with. Since I don't remember anything."

Dr. Charles looked at her thoughtfully, "I think that you went through a traumatic experience and just because you don't remember certain details, doesn't mean that those events can't effect you."

Erin looked at him wide eyed and let the silence stretch out between them for a minute. "I know," she stated quietly. She took a steadying breath. "That's why I'm here."

Dr. Charles and Erin had talked for about twenty minutes. He had given her the number of a therapist he recommended that had worked with a lot of trauma victims. Erin wasn't quite sure how she felt about talking with someone new. It had been hard enough this last month to talk with Dr. Charles, let alone opening up to someone else. Dr. Charles had said that she was welcome to continue meeting with him, but he just felt that someone else might be able to help her.

He had also recommended that she share what was on her mind with Jay. Erin had agreed with Dr. Charles when she sat in the office, but now that she was here with Jay staring at her expectantly, she felt nervous. His eyes pleaded with her to tell him what was going on in her mind. Erin reached out and grabbed Jay's free hand in hers. His hand was warm and gripped her own with his strong fingers. It was such a relief to feel that strength after the last two weeks. So many moments when she wondered if he would live or die. So many hours where she had grasped his lifeless hand waiting and hoping for him to wake up. All she had wanted was to see his blue eyes and hold his hand. Now he sat there with those eyes, the warmth and concern bleeding into her.

She reached out and caressed his cheek. Her fingertips dancing along his jawline. "I like your beard. You look scruffy." He hadn't shave while in the hospital. Probably wouldn't for a few more weeks. He still had bandages in his neck area. Erin didn't mind though. She thought he looked handsome when he was clean shaven, but he looked sexy with a beard.

Jay brushed her hands gently away from his face and gave Erin a knowing look. Erin knew he thought she was trying to change the subject and avoid answering the question he had posed to her.

Erin tucked her feet up under body and leaned sideways on the couch, studying Jay solemnly. "I can't decide if it is easier to talk to you when you can't talk back or if it's actually harder."

Jay just smiled at her and shook his head slightly.

Erin took in a deep breath and let it out slowly trying to steady herself. "I am scared, Jay." She saw his brow furrow in concern. He shifted himself to be a little closer to Erin. "I just feel unsafe all the time. Every stairwell, doorway, or alley I pass makes me panic. I'm afraid to be alone." Erin dropped her head in embarrassment. She was a Chicago Police Detective. She had tracked serial killers, arrested drug kingpins, and dealt with murderers and gang members on a weekly basis. She shouldn't be afraid of things that go bump in the night. She shouldn't be seeing menacing shadows in every dark corner. She should be afraid to take out the trash, but she was…

Jay reached across the space between them and cupped her chin in his hand, gently lifting it up so she was forced to meet his eyes. Erin was surprised to see a smile on his face. Jay leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers softly.

Erin savored the brief touch and felt the loss when he pulled away. "What was that for?" She asked.

Jay gave her an annoyed look, silently reminding her that he couldn't talk. He grabbed the tablet and stylus and started writing. Erin tried to read over his shoulder, but he elbowed her out of the way. Erin leaned back in a playful huff while Jay wrote…and wrote. "What are you writing a novel?" She craned her neck one more time to try and see what he was writing. Jay just tilted the tablet away, so she couldn't see it.

"Whatever," she said, although she was smiling. She shook her head a bit. This is why she loved Jay. Two seconds ago, she was ashamed, sacred, and embarrassed, but then Jay has this effect on her. To make her feel happy and safe. She tapped her foot impatiently. "Seriously… are you almost done-"

Suddenly, Jay moved his arm, and dropped the tablet into her lap. He had a satisfied look on his face, but she could also see a bit of apprehension on his face. As if he didn't know how she was going to react to what he had written.

 _You are the most courageous and brave_ _woman_ _person I have ever known. You have already overcome so much in life to become the amazing and loving person that you are. This is merely one more obstacle that I am confident you will overcome. I will stand behind you or beside you, or even wait in the car if you want me, too, as you work on moving past the fear. Just know, you shouldn't be afraid. You are kickass, and you know it. It means everything to me that, you opened up and shared this with me. I love you._

Tears swan in Erin's eyes as she read the words. Dropping the tablet to the floor, she scooted across the couch to wrap herself around Jay, careful to not jostle him too much and to avoid the arm that was in the sling. He wrapped his good arm around her and squeezed tightly. A few tears dampened his shirt as she lay there, sniffing quietly. He stroked her hair softly, trying to soothe her.

Lifting her head, she met his anxious look. "I'm not crying because of sadness or fear. I am crying because I love you. You are so good to me, and I just….I just need you in my life." Jay just nods, as if to agree. Erin continued, "That's what has always scared me when I am with you." Erin lays her head on his chest and just relishes in hearing his steady heartbeat under her cheek. "I think before, I was afraid that needing you so much made me weak. That not being able to get through things on my own, without you, made me somehow less. I didn't want you to be with someone who wasn't strong."

Jay tilted her head up at that and gave her a less than impressed look.

Erin smiled up at him, "I know, I know. I wasn't thinking very rationally at that point. I just felt like I was making you sad. That I wasn't what you signed up for in a girlfriend. My baggage weighs a ton." Jay smirked at her and held up his good arm to make a muscle. Letting her know he was strong. Erin chuckled and dropped her head back onto his chest. "You are such a dork." She could feel his chest rumble with laughter that he held in.

"I think with you it doesn't have to be that way though." She stroked her hand up and down his arm. "It's not weakness to be vulnerable with you. When I let you in, I don't feel weak, I feel stronger. Like it's the two of us against the world and we kick ass." She could feel him nod his head in agreement.

Suddenly, Jay shifted Erin unceremoniously aside and stood up from the couch. With just a quick kiss on her forehead, he disappeared into his bedroom. Erin sat on the couch slightly confused at his abrupt exit. She was just about to follow him to investigate when he returned. Erin sucked in a breath when she saw the black jeweler's box in his hand. Erin recognized the box immediately. It was the velvet box that he had kept hidden in his sock drawer since Valentine's Day. Erin hadn't thought about it in months. Jay sat down next to Erin and flipped it open to show it to Erin. Her eyes widened in appreciation at the sparkling diamond bracelet that lay on the black velvet. It was a vintage style that had always appealed to Erin in jewelry. Not that she usually wore much, but she appreciated it. Jay's eyes were fixed on Erin's as she appreciated the beauty of it.

Suddenly impatient after waiting months for him to get it, she looked up at him. "Well, are you going to put it on me or are you just showing it to me?"

Jay dropped his mouth open in mock shock, and snapped the box shut with a loud crack. Unable to keep up the charade for more than a moment, Jay awkwardly opened the box again with one hand. He slipped the bracelet out of the box and then dangled it over her wrist uncertainly. He had realized that with only one hand available, he would not be able place it on her wrist. His brow furrowed in frustration. Erin reached out to grab the other side of the bracelet clasp with her hand. She looked up into his eyes, "Together. We can do it together." Erin wrapped the thin bracelet around her own wrist and held it in place while Jay carefully joined the ends together. She then lifted it up to allow the diamonds to sparkle in the light. "It's beautiful." She whispered in awe. She'd never had a guy buy her a piece of jewelry before. It kind made her happy that Jay would be the first…maybe the only one to ever buy her jewelry. Erin let out a little laugh at where her mind had wandered to. She loved him and wanted to be with him, but she still wasn't quite ready for that step. But still… it was a nice thought.

Erin wrapped her arm around Jay's neck and pulled him close, kissing him firmly on the mouth. He immediately responded, moving his lips against hers. Erin sighed with pleasure against his mouth. She leaned further into him, pressing her body against his. Unwillingly, Jay let out a low grunt, as Erin had brushed up against his wound.

Erin instantly sprung back, eyes wide. "None of that, Mister! Doctor said no physical activity for at least two weeks."

Jay's mouth dropped open in surprise and he threw his hand up indignantly, indicating that she was the one who had started it. Erin's eyes crinkled with laughter. Jay's heart swelled seeing that joy there. So many times she looked like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Hearing her laughter, seeing her smile. Nothing made him happier.

"I love you," Jay said.

Erin's eyes widened in alarm. "No talking. Doctor's orders." Jay nodded, but leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers again. He leaned back and pulled Erin along with him, until they were laying comfortably together on the couch, Erin careful not put any pressure on his healing wounds. They lay there in quiet, with the silence surrounding them. Erin allowed herself to drift into sleep, content in this moment, with the world.

 **This isn't the total end. I have an epilogue planned to wrap up a few plot points, but I hope you feel that there has been somewhat a resolution of the story. If there is anything specific that you feel it is lacking, or that that I left hanging, let me know. While they still have some things to work on, I tried to show that they are happy and in love.**


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